CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! What the @#$%#@$ is on TV tonight! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Commercial: New Swanson HDTV Dinners! For people who already upgraded their sets! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Newsman: This just in. The Grinch has stolen Christmas for the 27th time in history. Details are comin.... CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Network Announcer: See Dasher and Dancer get on Prancer and Vixen in "Sex and the North Pole," tonight on HBO! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Where is that stupid David Tanny Christmas Show on what @#$#$ channel! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Commercial: That's right! Only 99,99,99,99 THAT'S 99,99,99,99! Only 99,99,99,99! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! ANNOUNCER: This is Channel 2,634. Why, because we were assigned that channel number, dummies! ================ BEGIN SHOW! Begin theme music! Announcer Regis: Ladies and Gentlemen...live from New York, it's... WHO WANTS TO BE A DEMENTED MILLIONAIRE! APPLAUSE! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our special Christmas Carol version of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire. I'm your host Regis Tannybin. We have a lot of money to give away, as well as watching some of the funniest Christmas and Hanukkah videos ever made, so let's get started. Oh by the way, before we get to this year's batch of contestants, we have made a serious error on one of last year's Millionaire editions. It seems that we asked a question about the artist who recorded "Monsters Holiday", and it turned out that both Lon Chaney Jr. and Bobby "Boris" Pickett recorded two different versions of this same song. In all fairness, we decided to bring back Conan Strong, but there are two noticiable changes. First off, he spent most of the $500,000 money in the past year, so instead of having the money be risked, and since we goofed up the question, Strong will be going for just the $500,000 part of the $1,000,000 prize without risking the $500,000 that was already won. Secondly, um, uh, Conan is now Connie Strong. The transvestite trucker is now a transsexual and now she just might have enough balls to become the first to start the game as a man and reach the top as a woman. So without any further boredom, let's welcome back Connie to the hot seat. APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be a Demented Millionaire the Christmas Carols Edition and I'm now with Connie Strong of Miami, Florida. Connie: Yes. Regis: Are you still trucking around in the 18-wheeler? Connie: I gave up that job last year and I've decided to pursue a new career as a Kathie Lee impressionist. LAUGHTER-APPLAUSE! Connie: And I can guarantee you that I can belt out a better tune than she could ever dream of doing. APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, since Kathie Lee quit my other show, her singing career fizzled out and so did her CQ rating, so I guess she's now on a street corner with a sign "Will Sing For Food." LAUGHTER! Connie: Well, don't be too hard on her, Reege, it's just that her songs just plain suck. APPLAUSE! Connie: Why doesn't she sing stuff people actually like to hear such as classic acid punk from Nena Hagen or The Sex Pistols? APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, we're wasting a lot of time here, but I do wish you luck in getting this question correct risk-free. Now, when we left off, you were going for the million-dollar question. Are you ready, Connie? Connie: Bring it on! Regis: OK. Let's play! DIM LIGHTS! Regis: OK. Here it is for one million dollars. Which Christmas Novelty Song is Not Featured on the Dr. Demento Greatest Novelty CD Of All Time? a. All I Want For Christmas - Spike Jones b. Wreck The Halls - The Three Stooges c. I Want a Hippopotamus - Gayla Peevey d. I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas - Yogi Yorgesson Regis: Now please bear in mind that you've already used up your lifelines last year, but this is a free guess for the rest of the million. Connie: Hmmm. Regis: I can assure you that all of these are all-time classics from over two generations ago. Have you ever heard these songs? Connie: Yes. I'm not suuuuurrrrrrrrrrre, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttt..... LONG PAUSE Connie: b.-WreckTheHalls-FinalAnswer. LAUGHTER Regis: Well, you must think you're John Carpenter? LAUGHTER Connie: Well, I still have enough ba... Regis (interrupting): OK, I get your answer heard all around the world... SHE'S WON A MILLION DOLLARS! MEGA APPLAUSE! BALLOONS FALLING! MAINSTREET ELECTRICAL PARADE THEME PLAYING! HUGS AND KISSES BY CONNIE'S FEMALE LOVER. Regis: Congratulations, Connie! And who is this lovely lady? Connie: Kelly. She used to be my wife, but now she's my lesbian lover and we are still in love with each other. Regis: Well, there's always room for any kind of family unit in America. Here is your check for another $500,000 giving you a grand total of $1,000,000. Congratuations. HUGS. KISSES. CONNIE AND LOVER LEAVE. MUSIC PLAYS. Regis: Well, this is one interesting game so far. You just never know what's going to happen on this game show. Congraulations, Connie. Now, we have ten new contestants ready to play, so let's meet them right now... Gary Howard Christina Milano Rex Miller Peter Redford Greg Van Mills Anna Hughes Gabe Brown Richard Jackson Lou Martin Ricky Iglesias We have our ten contestants at their desks all vying to have their turn to be in the hot seat. All they have to do is to answer the question I will ask in the fastest time, and they get to go for the million dollars! So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question. LIGHTS DIM. Put together the lyrics for the Christmas song "Christmas at Ground Zero" in order, starting with the earliest. a. We're gonna get nuked b. There's music in the air c. That this is not a test d. Underneath a mushroom cloud GO! CONTESTANTS SELECT THE ORDER Regis: OK. Our time is up. Here is the order that the lyrics come in starting with the earliest, they are... b. There's music in the air c. That this is not a test d. Underneath a mushroom cloud a. We're gonna get nuked Regis: That's the correct order, now let's see who got it in the fastest amount of time... Gary Howard 3.45 Christina Milano 9.22 Rex Miller 1.44 Peter Redford --- Greg Van Mills --- Anna Hughes 5.32 Gabe Brown 5.66 Richard Jackson --- Lou Martin 12.54 Ricky Iglesias --- Regis: It's Rex Miller! Come on down! APPLAUSE! Regis: Ready to play? Rex: Sure. Regis: Then while we get you on the hot seat, let's watch this Weird Al video once again as he sings about "Christmas at Ground Zero..." APPLAUSE ================================================================================ Weird Al Yankovic "Christmas At Ground Zero" It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's music in the air The sleigh bells are ringing And the carolers are singing While the air raid sirens blare It's... W"GK-sqdewg=ewgn'REWQjgoie$#!614gk09-143jgmewqg1094tueqr" Glewqgewgklg-]q0ewgk]-q0ewkg-0]\-013i4g#Q$TG!$#QGk0-314g$34gtj0-394ujy 0-134jg0[193j4g 31094gj[310ghj43g]13-4ojrghopdsa]fhjkl'jdsaghqre dewqgj[10wq98euht314yt =============================================================================== LAUGHTEER! Regis: What the hell happened to Weird Al? Engineer from background: It looks like he got nuked after 27 words. AUDIENCE SIGHS Regis: Well, we hope we can get our video machine working again. But anyway, Rex Miller is with us on our hot seat tonight, and... Rex: Yes, Rex Miller, Christmas Song extradinore, knows every novelty song ever recorded, has every Christmas record ever made and knows every title and lyric ever known to mankind. Just hand me the million dollars, Regis, and don't bother with the questions. AUDIENCE LAUGHS Regis: Hey now, you gotta earn the money first! Rex: Just ask me the questions, Reege, and I'll do a John Carpenter on you fast. LAUGHTER Regis: Will you shut up already while I give you the rules? APPLAUSE! Rex: Well, excuuuuse me! Regis: Well then, here are the rules of the game. You start out at the $100 level and go up to the $200 level, and so forth up to the first guaranteed level of $1000, then from there the prizes double and double until you get to the second guaranteed level of $32,000, and so on up until you reach the $1,000,000 question. You have three lifelines at your service: the 50/50, which is where we take away two wrong answers; you have the audience poll where you ask the audience to answer the question for you; and finally you can phone a friend on the long-distance telephone we set up. Are you ready, Rex? Rex: The $100 Question Please? Regis: I guess this fathead is ready. Audience, are you ready? APPLAUSE! Regis: OK. Let's play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! DIM LIGHTS! Regis: OK. Let's start with the ridiculously easy $100 question. In the classic Chrstmas novelty song, Grandma Got Run Over By a...what? a. Steamroller b. Reindeer c. 18-wheeler d. An Angry Unemployed Taco Bell Chihuahua LAUGHTER Rex: Hmm. Uhh. Duh. Hmm. Regis: You know every novelty song every recorded, is that right? Rex: Yes. Regis: Well what is your answer! Rex: Uhhh. Hmm. Uhh. Duuuh. c. an 18-wheeler. Regis: Confident? Rex: Umm. No. Regis: Why not use a lifeline? Rex: Because real men don't use lifelines. Regis: OK. You gonna make c. your final answer? Rex: I'm man enough for an 18-wheeler, so yes that is my final answer, now what is my $200 question. Regis: Oh, tsk. tsk. tsk. The answer is b. Reindeer AUDIENCE SIGHS Regis: That's too bad, Rex. Rex: Hey, that was a trick question. Reindeer don't run over people. Regis: Rex, the game is over! Rex: No it's not, I want the $200 question! Regis: Rex, it's time you relinquished your hot seat! Rex: WHAT IS MY NEXT QUESTION (shaking his fist.) Regis: SECURITY! HELP! SECURITY COMES IN, SEIZES REX, AND WRESTLES HIM TO THE GROUND. Regis: Well, it looks like you're going to need some bail bonds. Rex: Where is my $1,000,000 check? Regis: Looks like that's how much your bail will be set at. Get him out of here, security! AUDIENCE LAUGHES AT REX. REX GIVES THEM THE FINGER. AUDIENCE BOOS Regis: Well, what a sore loser he is. It just goes to show you that this kind of attitude doesn't pay. Anyway, we have nine contestants remaining, so let's ask them the next fast finger question... Regis: Put together the order of Bob Rivers Christmas albums he released, starting with the earliest... a. I Am Santa Claus b. Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire c. More Twisted Christmas d. Twisted Christmas Go! CONTESTANTS SELECT THE ANSWERS Regis: OK. The time is now up. Now, let's see the order of Bob Rivers Christmas albums he released, starting with the earliest, and they are... d. Twisted Christmas a. I Am Santa Claus c. More Twisted Christmas b. Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire Regis: That's the correct order, now let's see who got it in the fastest amount of time... Gary Howard 2.65 Christina Milano --- Peter Redford 2.56 Greg Van Mills --- Anna Hughes 3.32 Gabe Brown 5.66 Richard Jackson 32.56 Lou Martin 2.54 Ricky Iglesias --- Regis: It's close, but Lou Martin, you da man. Come on down! APPLAUSE! Regis: Ready to play? Lou: Yes. Regis: OK. Let's get you on the hot seat while we watch this new video from the latest Bob Rivers Christmas album, here is "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire," then we'll be right back... APPLAUSE =============================================================================== BLANK SCREEN =============================================================================== Regis: Hey, engineer, what the hell is going on with the f---ing video machine? Engineer in background: SDG&E ordered us to cut our electricity use tonight. We're in a stage two alert. AUDIENCE SIGHS Regis: Dammit! Those damn electricity producers are screwing us again! APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, it looks like we'll have to do without any videos tonight, thanks to the oil baron grinches who stole Christmas. BOO! HISS! BOO! Regis: Well, Lou Martin is now on the hot seat. Tell us what you do for a living? Lou: I collect antique sexual devices for a museum. LAUGHTER! Regis: Ever watch Saturday Night Live? Lou: What? Regis: Nevermind. Let's get started with the game. You have three lifelines, yadda, yadda, yadda, so let's play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire! LIGHTS DIM Regis: For $100, What Color is the Grinch? a. Yellow b. Green c. Red d. Plaid LAUGHTER Lou: It's gotta be b. Green. Regis: The last contestant saw red when he got the $100 question wrong, but you're right with b. for $100! APPLAUSE! Regis: For $200, the title of Cheech and Chong's Christmas story was about "Santa and His..." what? a. Old Lady b. Wife c. Mistress d. Nagging Mother-In-Law LAUGHTER! Lou: It's a. Old Lady. Regis: You are so right for $200! APPLAUSE! Regis: For $300, in the Hollytones song, "Christmas is Coming Twice This Year," the kids spend Christmas once with mom, and again with who? a. Uncle b. Cousin c. Dad d. Her Ex-Lesbian Partner Lou: OK. It's c. Dad. Regis: It's right, for $300! APPLAUSE! Regis: For $500, Which talk show hostess put out two Christmas CD's? a. Queen Latifah b. Rosie O'Donnell c. Ricki Lake d. Oprah Winfrey Lou: Never heard of any of them. Regis: Well, you have three lifelines. Lou: I guess Rex wasn't man enough to use them, that's for sure. APPLAUSE! Lou: Let's do Ask the Audience Regis: OK. Looks like Lou needs a little help here. On your keypads are the choices a, b, c, and d. Go! AUDIENCE SELECTS THE ANSWER . . . . . . . . . . . a b c d LAUGHTER Regis: Who is the one person that voted for a.? Lou: It doesn't matter, so I'll go with b. Regis: Now Rex, I gotta ask you for the first time in about 20,000 bytes, is this your final answer? Lou: Yes. Regis: And you're all right. You've won $500! Thank you audience! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here we go for your $1,000 level and guaranteed award. Which female singer is not featured on the pop album "A Platnum Christmas? a. Britney Spears b. Mandy Moore c. Christina Aguliera d. Monica Lou: Egad. You mean they're singers? Regis: I just ask the questions. Not judge their qualities. Lou: What? No Jessica Simpson? She's a fox. AUDIENCE FLIRTS Regis: Hey now, audience! Lou: Let's go 50/50 already. Regis: Well, this is a very popular album even by non-demented music standards. Lou: Never heard of them. I listen to rock and roll. Regis: 50/50? Lou: Sure. Regis: Computer, please take away two wrong answers, leaving our contestant with one right and one wrong answer. Which female singer is not featured on the pop album "A Platnum Christmas? a. Britney Spears b. Mandy Moore Regis: Does this help you anyway? Lou: At least Britney is hot though. AUDIENCE HOWLS! Regis: Hey, audience, she's not that cute. AUDIENCE BOOS REGIS! Regis: OK. You win! Lou: I'll take a guess and say Mandy Moore. Regis: Is it really a guess? Lou: I don't know anybody who's heard of them. Regis: You say b. Is that your final answer? Lou: Yes. Regis. Well, well, well..... It is b. You've won $1000! APPLAUSE! DIM LIGHTS! Regis: OK Lou, you've reached the $1,000 plateau. No matter what else happens, you can't leave with anything less than this amount. Lou: Yay! Regis: Now, if you're ready, let's take a look at your $2,000 question... The Bob Rivers song "I Am Santa Claus" is a parody of which rock and roll song? a. Ballroom Blitz - Sweet b. Rock and Roll All Nite - KISS c. Iron Man - Black Sabbath d. Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin Lou: Love all those songs. Regis: Yea, I bet you that you do. Lou: It's that riff Beavis and Butthead used to perform on their old MTV show. Regis: You watched the show? Lou: Yup. These moron teens were so stupid they were funny. Regis: Well, what's your answer, buttmunch? Lou: Shut up, asswipe. LAUGHTER! Regis: Heh-heh. Hmm-hmm. What's your answer. Lou: Uh-huh-huh-huh. It's c. Iron Man. Regis: Is that your final answer? Lou: Umm, yes. Regis: You're right, you win $2,000! APPLAUSE DIM LIGHTS Regis: You were funny, Lou: Lou: Thanks. Regis: Now, we're going to tackle the $4,000 question. Listen up! James and Cling sang about what kind of Christmas? a. Terrorist b. Death Row c. Satanic d. Power Blackout. Lou: Just be glad not everybody lives in California. LAUGHTER! Regis: Let's hope the blackout shuts off Kathie Lee's singing for sometime. APPLAUSE! Lou: I don't think they sing about a power blackout, but I know that Spinal Tap sang about a Satanic Christmas, so I don't think that James and Cling are into Death Row songs...so.... Regis: Lou, I need an answer! Lou: a. Terrorist. Final Answer. Regis: Lou? Lou: What? Regis: I have to tell you this... Regis: You're right for $4,000! APPLAUSE! DIM LIGHTS! Regis: Lou, you've reached the $4,000 prize level with one lifeline remaining. You're halfway there to a million. Lou: Well, I could pay my monthly electricity bill with just that amount alone. LAUGHTER! Regis: Now, we better hustle and get to the $8,000 question. Here it is! What happened to Santa Claus in the Extra Gory version of "The Night Santa Went Crazy?" a. He Goes to Prison b. He Dies c. He Goes to a Mental Hospital d. He Snaps Out of The Crazy State. Lou: I heard the regular version about 26 times in my lifetime, but the Extra Gory version I never heard.....but....when you tell me gory... Regis: Eeeeeeeyessss????? Lou: ...it's got to be about spilling blood, so I'm going with c. He Dies. Regis: Well. For someone who never heard the Gory version before, you could be right, so is this your final answer? Lou: Yes. Regis: Lou! Lou: What? Regis: Guess what? Lou: He dies? Regis: You're right, it's b! You've won $8,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Incidentally, for you younger folks watching this game, it's only fictional. Santa Claus is not dead. So, Lou, you're now at $8,000. Lou: That's really cool. Regis: And we're going to go for the $16,000 right after this video from Weird Al Yankovic doing the Night Santa Went Crazy. Do we have the video machine ready, Scotty? Enginner Scotty: Aye, Reege. There is no power in the phasers to energize the machine. Regis: This is Millionaire, not Star Trek. Enginner Scotty: Oh, Captain. But we still don't have power. It costs too much. Regis: I said give me full video power, Scotty! Engineer Scotty: I can't change the trading prices of electricity. It's going through the roof at $2.70 per kilowatt hour! Regis: How much does our video machine use per hour? Enginner Scotty: 4,000 kilowatts including power just to light up the control buttons. Regis: Well, fughediabutit. Regis: It looks like there will be no videos tonight, kids. AUDIENCE CRIES Regis: But, let's have Lou see the $16,000 question. Let's Play! LIGHTS DIM! Regis: For $16,000, The Bob Rivers parody, "Santa Claus is Foolin' Around," is making fun of which singer's version of "Santa Claus is Coming To Town?" a. The Jackson 5ive b. Bruce Springsteen c. The Crystals d. The Ronettes Lou: I heard all the versions and they all sing part of it like "Da Do Ron Ron Ron." LAUGHTER! Regis: Let me clear something up about the question, it's all about the pattern of the song, the way the melody and lyrics are laid out, now just think about that for a while. Lou: Hmmm... LONG PAUSE Regis: Any clues? Lou: I guess that Bob Rivers specializes in rock and roll parodies, so the song would have to be about a rock and roll version of the song. I guess I'm going to try for b. Bruce Springsteen. Regis: Is that a guess? Lou: More of a guesstimate. Regis: Lou, I gotta ask you, is that your final answer? Lou: Yes It is Bruce Springsteen, you've won $16,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: One more question, and you're sure to leave home for no less than $32,000. For $32,000, let's take a look! What Christmas Episode of a regular series was finally rerun over 30 years after it originally aired on network television? a. Burns and Allen b. The Honeymooners c. Leave It To Beaver d. I Love Lucy Lou: I know there were some lost episodes of The Honeymooners that turned up last decade....but I've been seeing their Christmas episode for a long while in reruns, so that's not it.....hmm... Regis: Well, you still have the Call-a-Friend lifeline to use. Lou: I don't think I ever saw a Leave It To Beaver Christmas episode....and...Burns and Allen? I'm not sure.... Regis: Want to call a friend? Lou: OK. Regis: Who do you want to call? Lou: My grandmother, Gertrude in Florida. Regis: OK. Let's get her on the line right now. RING!!!! Caller: Helllo???? Regis: Hi, it's me Regis of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire. Caller: Hi Regis! Regis: Is this Gertrude? Caller: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is her best friend Dotty speaking and I'm sad to report that she passed away last night in her sleep. AUDIENCE SIGHS Regis: Please accept my condolances to you and to you too, Lou. Caller: Thanks, Regis. Lou: Thanks. Regis: Could you be the one to help out her grandson Lou, Dotty? Caller: Sure. Regis: OK. Now are you familiar with my game show? Caller: Watch it all the time, Regis. Regis: Alright. Good luck. Lou is going for $32,000 right now, and the next voice you're going to hear is Lou. You have 30 seconds to answer his question, and the time starts now! Lou: What Christmas Episode of a regular series was finally rerun over 30 years after it originally aired on network television? a. Burns and Allen b. The Honeymooners c. Leave It To Beaver d. I Love Lucy Caller: I actually was an extra in one of the Christmas episodes, but let me tell you that Leave It to Beaver and Burns and Allen did not have Christmas episodes as far as my memory serves right, but Leave It to Beaver might have had a Christmas show, but I never saw the I Love Lucy... Lou: 5 seconds! Caller: ...episode, so I guess that the lost show is I.... BUZZ BUZZ! Regis: Time is up, Lou. Lou: I heard her say "I" as in "I Love Lucy", so ok, I guess she meant to say d. Regis: OK. But remember, if you miss this question, you lose $15,000. Lou: I less balls than Connie still has... LAUGHTER! Regis:...but? Lou: I guess I'm going to go for it. d. Final Answer. Regis: Hey Lou? Lou: What? Regis: You've got it! You've won $32,000! AUDIENCE APPLAUSE!!!! LIGHTS DIM Regis: Here you go, Lou, a check for $32,000! How does it make you feel now? Lou: Yeeee-haaa! Regis: But now, you have no lifelines left and five questions to go for a million, but it can be done, Lou. Lou: And I'm going to be that man, Regis. Regis: Well, then, here we go with the $64,000 question... A Cartoons Christmas is performed by which member of the TV show "Full House?" a. Bob Saget b. Dave Coulier c. John Stamos d. Charles Fleischer Regis: Have you ever seen "Full House?" Lou: No, I never watched the show. Regis: It's the show with the cute Olsen Twins. How could you have possibly missed the series? Lou: I dunno. I was watching UPN or something. Regis: UPN wasn't even on when Full House was on! Lou: Well, that shows me how much I know. Regis: It was a VERY POPULAR SHOW, LOU! LAUGHTER! Lou: Not in my house it wasn't. Regis: But this is a free guess, so you're not losing anything! Lou: I did see one of the guys in the stupid home video series, and he kept making cartoon voices in the background while a kid threw a ball into his dad's nuts. LAUGHTER! Regis: Boy, are we having a ...ball...here! LAUGHTER! Lou: I guess it's Bob Saget, so I'll go for a. Regis: Confident? Lou: I'm just guessing. I'm not sure, but I might as well go for it anyway. Regis: Is a. your final answer? Lou: Yes. Regis: Son of a gun, it was b. Dave Coulier APPLAUSE! Regis: So Lou leaves us with $32,000, you were terrific and thanks for playing! Lou: Thanks, Regis. REGIS HANDS LOU THE CHECK...LOU LEAVES...APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, for the record, Dave Coulier did a lot of cartoon voices on various shows. But Lou just had to resort to a guess, and got it wrong. Well, good luck to you, Lou.