Regis: Now it's time to find another Millionaire contestant. So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question. LIGHTS DIM. Put the following lyrics in order of appearance in the Christmas song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." a. Santa came to say b. All of the other reindeer c. Had a very shiny nose d. And they shouted out with glee Go! CONTESTANTS VOTE FOR ANSWERS OK. The votes are in. Now, let's see the answers starting with the lyrics that came in the earliest: c. Had a very shiny nose b. All of the other reindeer a. Santa came to say d. And they shouted out with glee That's the correct order. Now let's see who correctly answered the question in the quickest time... Grant Meyers 5.86 Dianne Rich 9.75 Steve Majors 4.67 William Jacobs 5.01 Susie Gibson 8.96 Mel Stevens 12.17 Fanny White 6.41 Bo Mathers 8.35 Jake Aykroyd 4.99 Regis: It's Steve Majors! Come on down! APPLAUSE! Regis: How are you doing? Steve: I'm doing fine, Regis. APPLAUSE! Regis: While we're getting ready to play, let's take a look at this next comedy Christmas video and we'll be right back to play Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire! APPLAUSE! =========================================================================== "Surf Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988 (to the tune of "White Christmas") I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas, just like the ones from days gone by; Where the wave tops glisten, and surfers listen, to hear breakers twelve feet high. I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas, to every Surf Dude I confide, Keep your board well waxed, and you'll fly, and "I gotta take that one last ride." ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be a Demented Millionaire the Christmas Carols Edition and I'm now with Steve Majors of Los Angeles, California. Steve: That's right. Regis: Please tell us what you do for a living? Steve: I am a stuntman working in Hollywood while the sissy overpaid actors get all the credit for doing the stunts. APPLAUSE! Regis: I'm with you. Ready to play? Steve: Yes. Regis: Well then, here are the rules of the game in case the watchers forgot how to play this overrated game already. You start out at the $100 level and go up to the $200 level, and so forth up to the first guaranteed level of $1000, then from there the prizes double and double until you get to the second guaranteed level of $32,000, and so on up until you reach the $1,000,000 question. You have three lifelines at your service: the 50/50, which is where we take away two wrong answers; you have the audience poll where you ask the audience to answer the question for you; and finally you can phone a friend on the long-distance telephone we set up. Steve: Alright! Regis: OK. Let's get started with these super simple question block beginning with the $100 question! DIM LIGHTS: For $100, Steve, what is the color of Rudolph's nose? a. Blue b. Green c. Red d. Black Steve: Silly question, of course it's c.-red Regis: and of course you're right, you've won $100! APPLAUSE! Regis: We just recycled the question, and used the same choices in the last question to save some money! LAUGHTER! Regis: Now here comes the $200 question!... What is the one gift nobody likes receiving? a. An IOU b. Fruitcake c. Soap on a Rope d. Lumps of Coal Steve: You can give me coal and soap, but never send me fruitcake, so I'm choosing b. Fruitcake! Regis: So is this your final answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: You're right, it is b.-Fruitcake, you've won $200! APPLAUSE! Regis: Now, let's take a look at the $300 question... What is the name of the Dr. Seuss Christmas cartoon run on TBS? a. How the Cat in the Hat Saved Christmas b. On Beyond Christmas c. Horton Hears an Elf d. How the Grinch Stole Christmas LAUGHTER! Steve: They all sound like legit titles, but I know it's d. Regis: And you're right, it is d., How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you've won $300! APPLAUSE! Regis: Now, let's go to the $500 question... What movie used to be run all the time on cable until NBC snapped up the rights so it mercifully airs once a year? a. Holiday Inn b. It's a Wonderful Life c. The Nutcracker d. Miracle on 34th Street Steve: I remember Al Bundy selecting channels on TV and that movie was on every channel! LAUGHTER! Steve: So I know it's b.-It's a Wonderful Life Regis: and it's a wonderful answer, you've won $500! APPLAUSE! Regis: Now, let's see the $1,000 question... Which Peanuts character recited the meaning of Christmas? a. Sally b. Charlie Brown c. Snoopy d. Linus Steve: I watch this special every year, so it's d.-Linus. Regis: You say d., is that your final answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: And you're right, it is Linus, you've won $1,000! Nice work! APPLAUSE! Regis: And Steve Majors still has all three lifelines intact. He'll be going for $2,000 right after this video from Linus himself! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= Charlie Brown: Well we got all this Christmas caroling and Hanukkah rocking and all this hype about the former here and there, but is there anybody out there that can tell us all what Christmas is all about? Linus: I can tell you what Christmas is all about. LINUS STEPS UP ON STAGE AND HAS THE FLOOR Lights please? Linus: And there were in the same country, shepherds, a riding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night, and low, the angel of the Lord came upon them. Linus: and the glory of the Lord shall lead up on them, and they were so afraid, that the angels said unto them "Fear not, for behold I bring new tidings to great joy, for born onto you, this day in the city of David, a savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord." Linus: And this shall be a sign onto you, we shall find a way to wrap him with clothes lying in a manger. Linus: And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying "Glory to God in the highest and on Earth, peace, good will toward men!" Luke 2:13-14 That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. ============================================================================= APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! Regis: Great job, Linus! Steve Majors is at $1,000 with all three lifelnes left, and now, here comes the $2,000 question... DIM LIGHTS! Who produced the still-action annual Christmas series such as "Santa Claus is Coming to Town?" a. Rankin and Bass b. Hanna-Barbera c. Art Clokey d. Filmation Steve: You know, I never really paid that much attention to who produces these cartoons, so I'll ask the audience. Regis: Alright, so audience, Steve could use some help around here. On your keypads on the lap are the choices a-b-c-d. Just select the correct answer. Go! AUDIENCE SELECTS THE ANSWERS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a b c d Regis: Looks like the audience has clearly remembered. Steve: Well, I'm going with a.-Rankin/Bass Regis: Final Answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: They're right! You're right! You've won $2,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Before we surf over to the $4,000 question, lets watch another Christmas video, then we'll be right back! APPLAUSE! =============================================================================== "The Homeless Song (Reaganomics)" - by D M Goldstein, 1988 (to the tune of "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts)") Homeless sitting by an open fire, Frost-bite eating at their toes; Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, drive the kids to Overdose. (Everybody knows,) George Bush is our new President, and you know that isn't right; Democrats, with fear in their eyes, will find it hard to sleep tonight. They know that Reagan's had his way, he spent lots of dough, and bought lots of arms in his day; And every Mother's child has cause to fear, 'Cause Republicans have four more years. And, So, I'm offering this simple phrase, for men eighteen to thirty-three, although it's been said that there won't be a draft, get out of here; get out of here; find another Country. =============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: OK. Steve has two lifelines left and he has won $2,000. Now, let's go for the $4,000 question... DIM LIGHTS! In the Simpsons Christmas special in 1989, what did Bart Simpson sing to make fun of Jingle Bells? a. Homer's Fat b. Batman Smells c. Star Wars Rules d. Eat My Shorts Steve: Those are great answers, but I am a Simpsons' fan, and I distinctly remember Bart singing about the hottest movie of the year 1989, so I'll say b.-Batman Smells Regis: Confident? Steve: Yes. Regis: Final Answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: Your answer doesn't smell, it's b., you've won $4,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Steve will be going for $8,000 right after we hear Bart Simpson sing! APPLAUSE! =============================================================================== Bart Simpson "Jingle Bells" Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin lays an egg. Batmobile Broke its wheel, The Joker got away... BART IS GRABBED OFF THE STAGE! =============================================================================== LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, sorry about that, I was hoping they would let Bart finish the song. Steve: He sang very good. Regis: I agree. Now, let's tackle the $8,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What do people kill a tree for? a. Santa b. Presents c. Christ d. Angels Steve: I'm not sure, so let's do the 50/50. Regis: Fine. Computer, please take away the two incorrect answers and leave us with one right and one wrong answer... What do people kill a tree for? a. Santa c. Christ Steve: Well, that narrows it down a bit, so I'll pick c. Regis: Final answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: You're right, it is Christ, you've won $8,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Steve Majors has $8,000 and one lifeline left, but he will be going $16,000 right after this video, and then we'll be right back! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= Deck The Halls (Politically Correct Version) Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la 'Tis the season to be self-actualizing, Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la See the blazing log of non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday-non-endangered wood before us, Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort, Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming, Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Fast away the mature year passes Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure, Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la While I tell of non-materialistic, non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday treasure, Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Regis: Well now, let's see Steve go for $16,000... DIM LIGHTS What happened to Grudge after he started believing in Santa Claus? a. He was saved by Jesus b. He received all the gifts that were held back c. He got a hula hoop d. He got an orphan family to raise. Steve: Hmm.... Regis: Think about the song for a minute, Steve. What happens when you don't believe in Santa Claus... Steve: I got it. I'll go with b. Regis: Confident? Steve: Yes. Regis: Sure? Steve: Yes. Regis: Believe in Santa? Steve: Sure Regis: Belive in Easter Bunny? Steve: Yes. Regis: Belive in Toledo? Steve: Hmm, I haven't made up my mind about that, LAUGHTER-APPLAUSE! Regis: Is b. your final answer? Steve: Yes. Steve: This was a funny song, and I know what he did with those lousy gifts, he returned them, he's no fool, so the answer is b. Regis: Final answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: You're right, he got all the gifts, you're at $16,000! Excellent! APPLAUSE! Regis: We'll see Steve go for $32,000 right after this video from the classic satarist, Stan Freberg, with Daws Butler and supporing cast! APPLAUSE! Regis: As some of you may know, "Dragnet" was a big ratings- getting in the late-70's, with Jack Webb as the ever-talkative Joe Friday. Well, what most people DON'T know is that "Dragnet" made a light-hearted Christmas episode for its first season. The reason why folks don't know this is because it never aired; they changed their minds at the last second. Ah, but we here have purloined the soundtrack to the episode, and the response each year to play it is gi-mongous! So, without further adieu, we present "Christmas Dragnet"... APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "Christmas Dragnet" by Stan Freberg and Daws Butler DUM-DA-DUM-DUM! DUM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUUMMM! Narrator: The story you are about to see is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example, "Kris Kringle" is now "Santa Claus". Joe: This is the city: Los Angeles, California. The city sidewalks were busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, and, in the air, there was a feeling of Christmas. There was no snow to crunch, but the kids were definitely bunching. They were watching out, not crying of pouting. They knew why. The last thing on anybody's mind was being picked up on a 4096325-096704, "Not Believing in Santa Claus". That's where I come in. I'm a policeman. I wear a badge. DUM-DA-DUUUUUMMM--DUM-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM! DUM-DA-DUUUUUMMM--DUM-DA-DUM-DA- DUMMMMMM! (etc.) It was Wednesday, December the twenty-fourth, Christmas Eve, 4:35pm. I was working the Holiday watch out of Homicide with my partner. 'Twas the night before Christmas and, all through the house, the only things stirring were me at my paperwork, my partner at his typewriter, the chief arguing about working on a holiday...and a mouse. The chief is Captain Kellogg. My partner is Frank Jones. My name's Friday. Frank: Hang up your stocking yet, Joe? Joe: Yeah, just before I come down. You, too, Frank? Frank: Always do. Hung it up early in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn't want to miss out when Santa Claus comes, y'know. Joe: No, sure wouldn't. Be a shame. Frank: What'cha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? What'cha gonna do on Christmas? Got any plans? Joe: Nothing much. Frank: Why don't you stop by the house, Joe? We're gonna have Christmas dinner. Y'know, all the trimmings. Joe: Um-hum. Frank: Turkey, celery stiffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts... Joe: Um-hum. Frank: All the trimmings. Cranberry sauce...love ta have ya. Joe: Um-hum. Frank: The misuses always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks. Y'know, olives, pickles, scallions...most folks call 'em "green onions" , but they're really scallions. Have you ever noticed that, Joe? Joe: Ever noticed what, Frank? Frank: How most folks call 'em "Green onions", but they're really scallions. Joe: Um-hum. Scallions. Frank: Any time after two, Joe. Love ta have ya. Joe: Um-hum. Well, I'll see. Frank: Love ta have ya. Joe: Um-hum. Well, I'll see. Frank: The misuses always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks. Y'know, them little carrot sticks? Joe: Um-hum. Frank: Olives, pickles, scallions... Joe: Um-hum. Let's not go through that again. Frank: Love ta have ya. Go through what again, Joe? Joe: How most folks call 'em "Green onions", but they're really scallions. Frank: Oh,...you noticed that, too, huh, Joe? (Phone rings) Joe: (answering) Homicide, Friday. Um-hum. Um-hum. Um-hum. Um-hum. Um-hum. Umm-humm. (hangs up) Frank: What's the matter, Joe? What's the MATTER, Joe?!? Joe: They're bringing a guy in on a 4096325-096704! Frank: (shocked) You-you mean... Joe: Yeah,...guy don't believe in scallions...I mean, Santa Claus DUM-DA-DUM! DUM-DA-DUM! DUM-DA-DUMMMMMMMMM! Joe: (narrating) 6:29pm. We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa Claus...a guy named "Grudge". (in story) Says here your name's "Grudge", is that right? Grudge: Yeah! Joe: Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus? Frank: It's hard to believe what you said! Did you really say that? Grudge: Sure I said it! How do you know there's a Santy Claus? You gotta picture of 'em? Joe: No, no mugshot. Grudge: Any fingerprints? Joe: No, no leaving prints. I just know, that's all. It's like saying there isn't an Easter Bunny. Grudge: That's ANOTHER guy there ain't no of! Joe: Um-hum. Watch your story, Mister! Frank: Joe, he just said that to make me fell bad, didn't he? There really IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there? Joe? Joe: Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you three years ago on a "1492", for not believing in Columbus? Grudge: Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either! Joe: How about Toledo? Grudge: I...I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo. Joe: OK, Mister, I get the picture now. You don't believe in nothin', do ya? Grudge: Nuttin'. And do you wanna know somethin' else? Joe: What's that? Grudge: I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna walk right out of this room. 'Cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me. They ain't no law against not believing in Santy Claus! Joe: There is in my book! Let me tell you something, Mister, I'm gonna PROVE there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night! Grudge: Heh-heh! Pretty funny! The police department's got nuttin' else to do! Joe: Let me straighten you out, buddy; this one's on Frank and me! Right, Frank? Right, Frank?!? Frank: There really IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe? Y'know, "hippity- hopping down the bunny trail"?!? DUMMMM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMMMMM Joe: (narrating) I took Grudge over to the helicopter, got in, flew around the city for hours... DA-DUMM I showed him department stores...(in story) What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge? Grudge: Happy people! But _I_ ain't impressed! DA-DUMMMMM Joe: (narrating) I showed him stockings...(in story) How are those stockings hung, Grudge? Grudge: By the chimney, with care, but _I_ didn't hang none up!!! DA-DA-DUMMMMMM Joe: (narrating) I showed him children, nestled, all snug in their beds... (in story) What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?!? Grudge: (sarcastically) Visions of sugar plums! But you ain't sellin' me! THERE AIN'T NO SANTY CLAUS!!! DA-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM Joe: (narrating) He still didn't believe! There was only one thing left to do. My job: get to the North Pole. DADA-DUMMMMM 11:45pm. We arrive at the North Pole. I set the plane down and we walked over to Santa's Workshop and rang the bell... (Doorbell: DIIIIING-DA-DING-DING. Door opens) Joe: (in story) Pardon me, sir. Can I ask you a few questions? Brownie: Why, shore. Just tickle me 't de-yath. Joe: What do you do for a living? Brownie: I'm a brownie. Joe: What are you doing at the North Pole with a _southern_ accent? Brownie: Well, the bo-us sorta ran shore-et on hey-lp this ye-ah, so had 't ree-cruit a few of us brownies from the Sow-uth Po-el. Joe: Um hum. That figures. Grudge: Heh-heh! Whatta waste of time! Joe: Could we talk to your boss, please? Brownie: Oh, he's ow-et. You WOULD come on the one night he's ow-et in the whole ye-ah! Joe: Um hum. What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie? Brownie: My bo-us has eight tiny reinde-ya. My job: feed 'em. Joe: Hmm, yes, sir, what do you feed them? Brownie: Well, most times, I fix up a little plate o' relish, olive, pickles and carrot sticks. You knew them li'l 'ol carrot sticks? Joe: Um hum. Brownie: And scallions. (Joe chimes in with the next sentence) Most folks call 'em "green onions", but they're really scallions. (To Joe) How'd you know?!? Joe: Just a stab in the dark. DUM-DA-DUMMMMM Joe: (narrating) The little man showed us through the workshop... Brownie: My bo-us'll be back for his second load purty soon. Say, would y'all like 't hear an inerestin' story? Joe: Yes, sir. Brownie: Well, you see that HUGE pile of presents for the-ya? Joe: Um hum. Grudge: Man! LOOK at all that stuff! Brownie: Would you believe it; they're all for the same ma-yan. Been pilin' up he-ya ye-ah afta ye-ah. Joe: Why didn't the guy after get 'em? Grudge: Yeah, why? Brownie: 'Cause he didn't believe in my bo-us. You know the ru-els. Joe: Um hum. We know. Grudge: I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this...this guy can still... Brownie: Get the presents? Oh, shore. He gets 'em all, the MINUTE he believes! But I don't suppose he ev-a wi-ell. Joe: Too bad about that guy. What's his name? Grudge: Don't say it. I don't wanna hear it! Joe: Come on, Mr. Brownie, what's his name? Brownie: His name? "Grudge". DUM-DA-DA-DA-DA-DUMMMMM Joe: (narrating) The brownie saw us to the door and wished us a Merry Christmas. We were headed back to the plane. Then it happened... Grudge: Hey! Joe: (in story) Yeah, Grudge? Grudge: You know that guy I said I didn't believe in? Joe: Who's that? Grudge: S-s-s-santy Claus? Joe: Yes, sir? Grudge: Do you think I'm too old to change my mind? Joe: You're NEVER too old, Mr. Grudge. Grudge: Well, then, I...I...I BELIEVE IN SANTY CLAUS! AND Columbus! Joe: How about Cleveland, Cincinnati and the Easter Bunny? Grudge: Yeah! Them, too! Joe: And Toledo? Grudge: I...I _still_ ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo! (sleigh bells above) Joe: Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for his second load. Grudge: IT'S SANTY CLAUS! IT'S SANTY CLAUS!!!!! Joe: There's the only guy I know who can make every body happy in one night! Grudge: Yeah! He must have the biggest heart in the whole world! Joe: That's about the size of it! DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM! DUM-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMM! (etc.) Narrator: The story you have just seen is real. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Upon arrival back in Los Angeles, Grudge went home immediately and hung his stocking up. In the morning, he received all of his back-log of presents. He thanked Sergeant Friday and vowed to keep the Christmas spirit in his heart forevermore. The brownie was returned to the South Pole on December the twenty- sixth, but was asked to return the following August the fifteenth due to a Pole-wide brownie strike. Detective Frank Jones was convinced, after a lot of talking, that there WAS an Easter Bunny. He was returned home to his wife, who revived him with green onions...or were they scallions? "Not Believing in Santa Claus" is punishable by a term of no less than five nor more than fifty years of not receiving presents. ..DUM-DA-DUMMMMMMMM! DUMMM-DAAA-DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: We're back with Steve Majors who is at the $16,000 level with one lifeline left, but he still has a good shot at a million dollars! Now, let's take a look at the $32,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What did the duo of Borison and Setterburg do in the snow? a. Walkin' in the Winter Underwear b. Walkin' in the Women's Underwear c. Valkin' in the Vinter Vnderwear d. Talkin' in the Winter Wonderland LAUGHTER! Steve: Hmmm. I know Bob Rivers did the Women's thing, so it's not b.----hmmm--- d, doesn't make any sense......mmmmmmm..... Regis: People talk in the snow all the time. Steve: That's right. So my guess would have to be a demented one, it's c.! Regis: Confident? Steve: Yes. Regis: Final Answer? Regis: Yes. Regis: You can valk in the vonderland richer, you've won a guaranteed $32,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: And here it is, the check with your name on it for $32,000! How does it feel to have that much money? Steve: I can afford to hire a stuntdouble for me. LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, Steve will be going for $64,000 after this video by, Borison and Setterburg APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "Valkin' in My Vinter Undervear", by Borison and Setterburg Sleigh bells ring and I'm listening But I'm turning and tvisting 'Cause I'm itching up here And I'm scratching down there Valking in my vinter undervear Now da front is all battered And da back is all tattered But Vhen I'm cold to da core I crawl tru da "back door" And up into my vinter undervear Vell, I don't care if it rains or snows or freezes; I yam so varm, I yust don't give a hoot. I put on all da stockings I can locate Then I vear two pair of trousers vith my suit... But then I start to perspire Then it sets me on fire 'Cause I'm itching up here And I'm scratching down there Valking in my vinter undervear Vinter snow is vite and glistening But I'm turning and tvisting I've gotta scratch a little here I've gotta scratch a little there Valking in my vinter undervear I put my bathing suit avay in moth balls And now I've got to adapt to snow balls Vhen I can't scratch my back I throw myself all aback Vile valking in my vinter undervear Tru rain and snow and ice, I do not vorry Vhen vinter come, I do not give a hoot My hat and coat and earmuffs keep my cozy And a vear two pair of trousers vith my suit... But vhen it come to other clothing, Vell the ting dat I am loading Is vhen my face turns blue And contortions I go tru Valking in my vinter undervear They're from Sears-Rooooebuuuuck... Valking in my vinter undervear! ============================================================================= Regis: And welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, and with me is Steve Majors who is going to take home at least $32,000, but he has just one lifeline left and that is to call a friend. Now, let's go to the $64,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What group wishes you a litigious new year? a. The Clause Company b. The Christmas Lawyers c. The Arrogant Attorneys d. Suddenly Suers Steve: My lawyer played this song a lot when I was suing the studio for medical pay for my injuries. Regis: Did you win? Steve: He got me a million dollars. APPLAUSE! Regis: So what are you doing here if you already have a million? LAUGHTER! Steve: The IRS man took about 2/5 of that for themselves. BOO!!!! Regis: Well, let's rectify that and give me your answer? Steve: a.-The Clause Company. Regis: Is that your final answer? Steve: Yes. Steve: You're a even richer man, you've won $64,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here it is, Steve, a check for $64,000 with your name on it! Steve: Yes! Regis: Steve will be going for $125,000 right after we see the video by a group that's here due to a Clause in our contracts, the Clause Company! APPLAUSE! =============================================================================== "You Can Sue", by The Clause Company Need some cash right now? Why you feeling glum? We can show you how, To net a tidy sum, There's hardly any risk, What have you got to lose? Just find a way to slip a disc and we will turn the screws! Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, Then go shop for free, Find the rat who sold you that defective Christmas tree, Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, Fund your shopping spree, Just confess you've been molested while on Santa'a knee. You'll have sudden lunge, Must be Santa's fleet, As through your ceiling plunge, And doesn't ram your feet, With plaster falling 'round, Can't beg them all to cease, We'll call him up for damages while you take off on fleece. Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, Why not make them pay? Sue their mold is Christmas Season, Hurry, don't delay. Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, For a minor fee, Call us up this Christmas eve, At 28493! We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a Happy Hanukkah, We wish you a joyous holiday, And a liticious new year! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Oh, aren't the 90s fun? That was The Clause Company and their jolly little carol "You Can Sue." APPLAUSE! Regis: Now as we approach the million, the questions are going to get way even tougher, so now Steve, let's dig into the $125,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What singer got so drunk he wondered where he was? a. Dean Martin b. Ed McMahon c. Larry Hagman d. Dudley Moron Steve: That song reminds me of Arthur with Dudley Moore, so I'll go with my instinct and say d. Dudley Moron. Regis: Is d. your final answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: You're right, it's Dudley Moron, you've won $125,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here it is, Steve, a check for $125,000 with your name on it. Steve: This is heaven! Regis: I'll let you rest for the $250,000 question right after we look at the Dudley Moron video! APPLAUSE!!! ============================================================================= "Winter Wonderland", by Dudley Moron At the office Christmas party I started off with a Bicardi I didn't get sauced, But, right now, I'm lost! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! I had a beer at my brother's Had egg nog at my mother's Then two bottles of wine... Which automobile's mine? It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! Someone caught me dancing with a snowman A policeman came and put me in his car He said, "Are you drunk?" and I said, "No, man, But could you drop me off at the next bar?" (HEH-HEH) I guess my wife must be missing. Who's this dog that I'm kissing? They say his name's Spot And he likes me..a lot! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! I was looking for a lady I could dance with So I stood beneath the mistletoes Someone said, "You'd have a better chance if You take the lampshade off and put back on your clothes!" (A lampshade! Isn't that the best?!>) Time to be going. I'm naked...is it still snowing? It's time I should leave... I'll be back New Year's Eve!! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! Have you seen my hat; I wouldn't want to freeze. What a party! Don't you wish you were me?!?!? ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Steve has $125,000 with one lifeline left, so now, here comes the $250,000 question... DIM LIGHTS Which singer or group never sang the Chipmunk Song? a. Canned Heat b. Rob Carlson c. The Del Rubio Triplets d. Napoleon XIV Steve: I just don't know that one, so I better ask someone to help me. Regis: Do you have anyone specific. Conan: I'll call Barret. Regis: OK. Let's get him on the phone on the demented telephone! RING! Barret: Wind up your telephone, it is I. Dr. Demento, and who is this on the demented telephone? LAUGHTER! Regis: I should have known. This is Regis Tannybin of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, and... Barret: Woooo! Woooo! The Doctor is in! LAUGHTER! Regis: Yes, and you have a patient that goes by the name of Steve Majors calling in for an illness. Barret: What is ailing him? Regis: His symptoms are currenty stuck on a quarter of a million dollar question, and he needs your prescription! LAUGHTER! Barret: Alright, please let me talk to Steve! Regis: OK, Dr. the next voice you're going to hear is Steve, and you both have 30 seconds...go! Steve: Which singer or group never sang the Chipmunk Song? a. Canned Heat b. Rob Carlson c. The Del Rubio Triplets d. Napoleon XIV Barret: Wooo! Wooo! I have the cure for you, Steve, it's d.-Napoleon XIV never recorded that particular song! APPLAUSE! Steve: Well, thank you for the cure, Dr. That will be all. Barret: And don't forget to stay Deeeeee-mented! APPLAUSE! HANG UP! Steve: So I'll go with d. Regis: Final answer? Steve: Yes. Regis: You're totally sane with Napoleon XIV, you've won $250,000! Thank you Dr. Demento! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here it is, Steve, a check for $250,000 with your name on it. Steve: Now I can afford to buy every record ever recorded! LAUGHTER! Regis: Now Steve will be going for a half-a-million dollars right after this special recipe for a fruitcake! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== Famous Fruitcake Recipe What you'll need: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky! Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon, of sugar or something. Whatever you can find! Grease the oven! Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Ah, yes, words to live by. Now Steve Majors has $250,000 with no lifelines left, but now, it's time to see the $500,000 question... DIM LIGHTS Which former member of Eight is Enough recorded with Bob Rivers in one of his Christmas albums? a. Betty Buckley b. Grant Goodeve c. Susan Richardson d. Willie Aames. Steve: Oh brother, I never watched the show, but I have all the CD's. Regis: That will help. Now think about the singers and what they sounded like. Steve: You know, I belive $250,000 is enough, so I'll take it and split! APPLAUSE! Regis: Alright, You've been an outstanding contestant, and here is your $250,000 check, Steve Majors. Congratulations! APPLAUSE! Regis: And I do wish you a happy holiday season! HANDS OVER CHECK Steve: Thank you very much. Regis: Let's hear it for Steve Majors! APPLAUSE! STEVE LEAVES! Regis: Well we stumped another contestant, but you never know what questions we'll be asking them. The correct answer, was b.--Grant Goodeve, who was heard on the Bob Rivers albums "I Am Santa Claus" and "More Twisted Christmas." Regis: Well, we're out of time for this edition of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, but next time we come back, look for these contestants! Gary Howard Christina Milano Rex Miller Peter Redford Greg Van Mills Anna Hughes Gabe Brown Richard Jackson Lou Martin Ricky Iglesias APPLAUSE! If you want to be a conestant, then just call our hotline before midnight Dec 24 your time at 1-888-555-FUNY. The call is free, and you might be a contestant if you're smart enough to pass the short quiz. Be sure to send your questions with answers and Christmas song lyrics to email@example.com and he'll work the questions and multi-choice answers into this quiz. People who correctly guess your answer will be chosen at ramdon to win some fake money or something, hell, think of this as practice when you want to be on the real ABC game show. So for now, this is Regis Tannybin, saying, goodnight! APPLAUSE!