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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials


Yet Another Stupid D.T. Christmas Special!

   Regis: Now it's time to find another Millionaire contestant.

   So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question.


   Put the following lyrics in order of appearance in the Christmas song "Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer."
   a. Santa came to say
   b. All of the other reindeer
   c. Had a very shiny nose
   d. And they shouted out with glee



   OK. The votes are in.

   Now, let's see the answers starting with the lyrics that came in the earliest:
   c. Had a very shiny nose
   b. All of the other reindeer
   a. Santa came to say
   d. And they shouted out with glee

   That's the correct order.  Now let's see who correctly answered the question in
the quickest time...

   Grant Meyers    5.86
   Dianne Rich     9.75
   Steve Majors    4.67
   William Jacobs  5.01
   Susie Gibson    8.96
   Mel Stevens    12.17
   Fanny White     6.41
   Bo Mathers      8.35
   Jake Aykroyd    4.99


   Regis: It's Steve Majors!  Come on down!


   Regis: How are you doing?
   Steve: I'm doing fine, Regis.


   Regis: While we're getting ready to play, let's take a look at this next
comedy Christmas video and we'll be right back to play Who Wants to Be a Demented



"Surf Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas,
just like the ones from days gone by;
Where the wave tops glisten, and surfers listen,
to hear breakers twelve feet high.

I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas,
to every Surf Dude I confide,
Keep your board well waxed, and you'll fly,
and "I gotta take that one last ride."



   Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be a Demented Millionaire the Christmas Carols 
Edition and I'm now with Steve Majors of Los Angeles, California.
   Steve: That's right.
   Regis: Please tell us what you do for a living?
   Steve: I am a stuntman working in Hollywood while the sissy overpaid actors get all
the credit for doing the stunts.


   Regis: I'm with you.  Ready to play?
   Steve: Yes.
   Regis: Well then, here are the rules of the game in case the watchers forgot
how to play this overrated game already.  You start out at the $100
level and go up to the $200 level, and so forth up to the first guaranteed level
of $1000, then from there the prizes double and double until you get to the
second guaranteed level of $32,000, and so on up until you reach the $1,000,000
question.  You have three lifelines at your service: the 50/50, which is where
we take away two wrong answers; you have the audience poll where you ask the
audience to answer the question for you; and finally you can phone a friend on
the long-distance telephone we set up.
   Steve: Alright!
   Regis: OK. Let's get started with these super simple question block beginning with
the $100 question!


   For $100, Steve, what is the color of Rudolph's nose?
   a. Blue
   b. Green
   c. Red
   d. Black

   Steve: Silly question, of course it's c.-red

   Regis: and of course you're right, you've won $100!


   Regis: We just recycled the question, and used the same choices in the last question
to save some money!


   Regis: Now here comes the $200 question!...

   What is the one gift nobody likes receiving?
   a. An IOU
   b. Fruitcake
   c. Soap on a Rope
   d. Lumps of Coal

   Steve: You can give me coal and soap, but never send me fruitcake, so I'm choosing
b. Fruitcake!

   Regis: So is this your final answer?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: You're right, it is b.-Fruitcake, you've won $200!


   Regis: Now, let's take a look at the $300 question...

   What is the name of the Dr. Seuss Christmas cartoon run on TBS?
   a. How the Cat in the Hat Saved Christmas
   b. On Beyond Christmas
   c. Horton Hears an Elf
   d. How the Grinch Stole Christmas


   Steve: They all sound like legit titles, but I know it's d.

   Regis: And you're right, it is d., How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you've won $300!


   Regis: Now, let's go to the $500 question...

   What movie used to be run all the time on cable until NBC snapped up the rights
so it mercifully airs once a year?
   a. Holiday Inn
   b. It's a Wonderful Life
   c. The Nutcracker
   d. Miracle on 34th Street

   Steve: I remember Al Bundy selecting channels on TV and that movie was on every channel!


   Steve: So I know it's b.-It's a Wonderful Life

   Regis: and it's a wonderful answer, you've won $500!


   Regis: Now, let's see the $1,000 question...

   Which Peanuts character recited the meaning of Christmas?
   a. Sally
   b. Charlie Brown
   c. Snoopy
   d. Linus

   Steve: I watch this special every year, so it's d.-Linus.

   Regis: You say d., is that your final answer?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: And you're right, it is Linus, you've won $1,000!  Nice work!


   Regis: And Steve Majors still has all three lifelines intact.  He'll be going
for $2,000 right after this video from Linus himself!



Charlie Brown: Well we got all this Christmas caroling and Hanukkah rocking and
all this hype about the former here and there, but is there
anybody out there that can tell us all what Christmas is all about?

Linus: I can tell you what Christmas is all about.


Lights please?

Linus: And there were in the same country, shepherds, a riding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by night, and low, the angel of the Lord came
upon them.

Linus: and the glory of the Lord shall lead up on them, and they were
so afraid, that the angels said unto them "Fear not, for behold
I bring new tidings to great joy, for born onto you, this day
in the city of David, a savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord."

Linus: And this shall be a sign onto you, we shall find a way to wrap him
with clothes lying in a manger.

Linus: And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly 
host praising God and saying  "Glory to God in the highest and
on Earth, peace, good will toward men!" Luke 2:13-14

That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.



   Regis: Great job, Linus!  Steve Majors is at $1,000 with all three lifelnes left,
and now, here comes the $2,000 question...


   Who produced the still-action annual Christmas series such as "Santa Claus is
Coming to Town?"
   a. Rankin and Bass
   b. Hanna-Barbera
   c. Art Clokey
   d. Filmation

   Steve: You know, I never really paid that much attention to who produces these
cartoons, so I'll ask the audience.

   Regis: Alright, so audience, Steve could use some help around here.  On your keypads
on the lap are the choices a-b-c-d. Just select the correct answer. Go!


   -     -
   -  -  -
   -  -  -  -
   a  b  c  d

   Regis: Looks like the audience has clearly remembered.

   Steve: Well, I'm going with a.-Rankin/Bass

   Regis: Final Answer?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: They're right! You're right! You've won $2,000!


  Regis: Before we surf over to the $4,000 question, lets watch another Christmas
video, then we'll be right back!



"The Homeless Song (Reaganomics)" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts)")

Homeless sitting by an open fire,
Frost-bite eating at their toes;
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
drive the kids to Overdose.
(Everybody knows,) George Bush is our new President,
and you know that isn't right;
Democrats, with fear in their eyes,
will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Reagan's had his way,
he spent lots of dough, and bought lots of arms in his day;
And every Mother's child has cause to fear,
'Cause Republicans have four more years.

And, So, I'm offering this simple phrase,
for men eighteen to thirty-three,
although it's been said that there won't be a draft,
get out of here; get out of here; find another Country.



  Regis: OK. Steve has two lifelines left and he has won $2,000.  Now, let's
go for the $4,000 question...


  In the Simpsons Christmas special in 1989, what did Bart Simpson sing to make
fun of Jingle Bells?
  a. Homer's Fat
  b. Batman Smells
  c. Star Wars Rules
  d. Eat My Shorts

  Steve: Those are great answers, but I am a Simpsons' fan, and I distinctly remember
Bart singing about the hottest movie of the year 1989, so I'll say b.-Batman Smells

  Regis: Confident?
  Steve: Yes.

  Regis: Final Answer?
  Steve: Yes.

  Regis: Your answer doesn't smell, it's b., you've won $4,000!


  Regis: Steve will be going for $8,000 right after we hear Bart Simpson sing!


Bart Simpson
"Jingle Bells"

Jingle Bells,
  Batman smells,
  Robin lays an egg.

  Broke its wheel,
  The Joker got away...



   Regis: Well, sorry about that, I was hoping they would let Bart finish the song.
   Steve: He sang very good.
   Regis: I agree. Now, let's tackle the $8,000 question...


  What do people kill a tree for?
  a. Santa
  b. Presents
  c. Christ
  d. Angels

  Steve: I'm not sure, so let's do the 50/50.
  Regis: Fine. Computer, please take away the two incorrect answers and leave us
with one right and one wrong answer...

  What do people kill a tree for?
  a. Santa
  c. Christ

  Steve: Well, that narrows it down a bit, so I'll pick c.

  Regis: Final answer?
  Steve: Yes.

  Regis: You're right, it is Christ, you've won $8,000!


  Regis: Steve Majors has $8,000 and one lifeline left, but he will be going
$16,000 right after this video, and then we'll be right back!



Deck The Halls (Politically Correct Version)

Deck the halls with boughs of non-endangered plant species
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be self-actualizing,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Toll the ancient non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday carol
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

See the blazing log of
 wood before us,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Play the harp without unnecessary brutality and join the chorus
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Sing we emotionally stable in a collective group effort,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Heedless of the weather patterns despite the effects of global warming,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Fast away the mature year passes
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Hail the new year without any implicit ageism, ye persons
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Dance in a non-hierarchical manner in merry measure,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
While I tell of non-materialistic,
Fa la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la



   Regis: Well now, let's see Steve go for $16,000...


   What happened to Grudge after he started believing in Santa Claus?
   a. He was saved by Jesus
   b. He received all the gifts that were held back
   c. He got a hula hoop
   d. He got an orphan family to raise.

   Steve: Hmm....

   Regis: Think about the song for a minute, Steve.  What happens when you don't
believe in Santa Claus...

   Steve: I got it.  I'll go with b.

   Regis: Confident?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: Sure?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: Believe in Santa?
   Steve: Sure

   Regis: Belive in Easter Bunny?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: Belive in Toledo?
   Steve: Hmm, I haven't made up my mind about that,


   Regis: Is b. your final answer?
   Steve: Yes.

   Steve: This was a funny song, and I know what he did with those lousy gifts, he
returned them, he's no fool, so the answer is b.

   Regis: Final answer?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: You're right, he got all the gifts, you're at $16,000!  Excellent!


   Regis: We'll see Steve go for $32,000 right after this video from the classic
satarist, Stan Freberg, with Daws Butler and supporing cast!


   Regis: As some of you may know, "Dragnet" was a big ratings-
getting in the late-70's, with Jack Webb as the ever-talkative Joe Friday.
Well, what most people DON'T know is that "Dragnet" made a light-hearted 
Christmas episode for its first season.  The reason why folks don't know this
is because it never aired;  they changed their minds at the last second.  Ah, 
but we here have purloined the soundtrack to the episode, and the
response each year to play it is gi-mongous!  So, without further adieu, we
present "Christmas Dragnet"...



"Christmas Dragnet" by Stan Freberg and Daws Butler


Narrator: The story you are about to see is true.  Only the names have been
          changed to protect the innocent.  For example, "Kris Kringle" is 
          now "Santa Claus".

Joe: This is the city:  Los Angeles, California.  The city sidewalks were busy
     sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, and, in the air, there was a feeling
     of Christmas. There was no snow to crunch, but the kids were definitely
     bunching.  They were watching out, not crying of pouting.  They knew why.
     The last thing on anybody's mind was being picked up on a 4096325-096704,
     "Not Believing in Santa Claus".  That's where I come in.  I'm a 
     policeman.  I wear a badge.

DUMMMMMM! (etc.)

     It was Wednesday, December the twenty-fourth, Christmas Eve, 4:35pm.  I 
     was working the Holiday watch out of Homicide with my partner.  'Twas the
     night before Christmas and, all through the house, the only things
     stirring were me at my paperwork, my partner at his typewriter, the
     chief arguing about working on a holiday...and a mouse.  The chief is
     Captain Kellogg.  My partner is Frank Jones.       My name's Friday.
Frank: Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?
Joe: Yeah, just before I come down.  You, too, Frank?
Frank: Always do.  Hung it up early in case I have to work late tonight. 
       Wouldn't want to miss out when Santa Claus comes, y'know.
Joe: No, sure wouldn't.  Be a shame.
Frank: What'cha gonna do tomorrow, Joe?  What'cha gonna do on Christmas?
       Got any plans?
Joe: Nothing much.
Frank: Why don't you stop by the house, Joe?  We're gonna have Christmas 
       dinner.  Y'know, all the trimmings.
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: Turkey, celery stiffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts...
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: All the trimmings.  Cranberry sauce...love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: The misuses always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot 
       sticks.  Y'know, olives, pickles, scallions...most folks call 'em 
       "green onions" , but they're really scallions.  Have you ever noticed 
       that, Joe?
Joe: Ever noticed what, Frank?
Frank: How most folks call 'em "Green onions", but they're really scallions.
Joe: Um-hum.  Scallions.
Frank: Any time after two, Joe.  Love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.  Well, I'll see.
Frank: Love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.  Well, I'll see.
Frank: The misuses always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks.  
       Y'know, them little carrot sticks?
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: Olives, pickles, scallions...
Joe: Um-hum.  Let's not go through that again.
Frank: Love ta have ya.  Go through what again, Joe?
Joe: How most folks call 'em "Green onions", but they're really scallions.
Frank: Oh,...you noticed that, too, huh, Joe?
(Phone rings)
Joe: (answering) Homicide, Friday.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.
     Um-hum.  Umm-humm. (hangs up)
Frank: What's the matter, Joe?  What's the MATTER, Joe?!?
Joe: They're bringing a guy in on a 4096325-096704!
Frank: (shocked) You-you mean...
Joe: Yeah,...guy don't believe in scallions...I mean, Santa Claus


Joe: (narrating) 6:29pm.  We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa
     Claus...a guy named "Grudge". (in story) Says here your name's "Grudge",
     is that right?
Grudge: Yeah!
Joe: Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?
Frank: It's hard to believe what you said!  Did you really say that?
Grudge: Sure I said it!  How do you know there's a Santy Claus?  You gotta
        picture of 'em?
Joe: No, no mugshot.
Grudge: Any fingerprints?
Joe: No, no leaving prints.  I just know, that's all.  It's like saying there
     isn't an Easter Bunny.
Grudge: That's ANOTHER guy there ain't no of!
Joe: Um-hum.  Watch your story, Mister!
Frank: Joe, he just said that to make me fell bad, didn't he?  There really
       IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there?  Joe?
Joe: Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you three years ago on a "1492", for not 
     believing in Columbus?
Grudge: Yeah!  I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either!
Joe: How about Toledo?
Grudge: I...I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.
Joe: OK, Mister, I get the picture now.  You don't believe in nothin', do ya?
Grudge: Nuttin'.  And do you wanna know somethin' else?
Joe: What's that?
Grudge: I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna walk right out of this room.  'Cause
        you guys ain't got nothin' on me.  They ain't no law against not
        believing in Santy Claus!
Joe: There is in my book!  Let me tell you something, Mister, I'm gonna PROVE
     there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night!
Grudge: Heh-heh!  Pretty funny!  The police department's got nuttin' else to
Joe: Let me straighten you out, buddy;  this one's on Frank and me!  Right,
     Frank?  Right, Frank?!?
Frank: There really IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?  Y'know, "hippity-
       hopping down the bunny trail"?!?


Joe: (narrating) I took Grudge over to the helicopter, got in, flew around 
     the city for hours...


     I showed him department stores...(in story) What's hurrying in and out
     of those department stores, Grudge?
Grudge: Happy people!  But _I_ ain't impressed!


Joe: (narrating) I showed him stockings...(in story) How are those stockings
     hung, Grudge?
Grudge: By the chimney, with care, but _I_ didn't hang none up!!!


Joe: (narrating) I showed him children, nestled, all snug in their beds...
     (in story) What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?!?
Grudge: (sarcastically) Visions of sugar plums!  But you ain't sellin' me!


Joe: (narrating) He still didn't believe!  There was only one thing left to
     do.  My job:  get to the North Pole.


     11:45pm.  We arrive at the North Pole.  I set the plane down and we 
     walked over to Santa's Workshop and rang the bell...

(Doorbell:  DIIIIING-DA-DING-DING.  Door opens)
Joe: (in story) Pardon me, sir.  Can I ask you a few questions?
Brownie: Why, shore.  Just tickle me 't de-yath.
Joe: What do you do for a living?
Brownie: I'm a brownie.
Joe: What are you doing at the North Pole with a _southern_ accent?
Brownie: Well, the bo-us sorta ran shore-et on hey-lp this ye-ah, so had 't
         ree-cruit a few of us brownies from the Sow-uth Po-el.
Joe: Um hum.  That figures.
Grudge: Heh-heh!  Whatta waste of time!
Joe: Could we talk to your boss, please?
Brownie: Oh, he's ow-et.  You WOULD come on the one night he's ow-et in the
         whole ye-ah!
Joe: Um hum.  What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?
Brownie: My bo-us has eight tiny reinde-ya.  My job: feed 'em.
Joe: Hmm, yes, sir, what do you feed them?
Brownie: Well, most times, I fix up a little plate o' relish, olive, pickles
         and carrot sticks.  You knew them li'l 'ol carrot sticks?
Joe: Um hum.
Brownie: And scallions. (Joe chimes in with the next sentence) Most folks
         call 'em "green onions", but they're really scallions. (To Joe)
         How'd you know?!?
Joe: Just a stab in the dark.


Joe: (narrating) The little man showed us through the workshop...
Brownie: My bo-us'll be back for his second load purty soon.  Say, would
         y'all like 't hear an inerestin' story?
Joe: Yes, sir.
Brownie: Well, you see that HUGE pile of presents for the-ya?
Joe: Um hum.
Grudge: Man!  LOOK at all that stuff!
Brownie: Would you believe it;  they're all for the same ma-yan.  Been pilin'
         up he-ya ye-ah afta ye-ah.
Joe: Why didn't the guy after get 'em?
Grudge: Yeah, why?
Brownie: 'Cause he didn't believe in my bo-us.  You know the ru-els.
Joe: Um hum.  We know.
Grudge: I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this...this guy can
Brownie: Get the presents?  Oh, shore.  He gets 'em all, the MINUTE he
         believes!  But I don't suppose he ev-a wi-ell.
Joe: Too bad about that guy.  What's his name?
Grudge: Don't say it.  I don't wanna hear it!
Joe: Come on, Mr. Brownie, what's his name?
Brownie: His name?  "Grudge".


Joe: (narrating) The brownie saw us to the door and wished us a Merry
     Christmas.  We were headed back to the plane.       Then it happened...
Grudge: Hey!
Joe: (in story) Yeah, Grudge?
Grudge: You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?
Joe: Who's that?
Grudge: S-s-s-santy Claus?
Joe: Yes, sir?
Grudge: Do you think I'm too old to change my mind?
Joe: You're NEVER too old, Mr. Grudge.
Grudge: Well, then, I...I...I BELIEVE IN SANTY CLAUS!  AND Columbus!
Joe: How about Cleveland, Cincinnati and the Easter Bunny?
Grudge: Yeah!  Them, too!
Joe: And Toledo?
Grudge: I...I _still_ ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!
(sleigh bells above)
Joe: Look, Grudge, up in the sky.  He's coming back for his second load.
Joe: There's the only guy I know who can make every body happy in one night!
Grudge: Yeah!  He must have the biggest heart in the whole world!
Joe: That's about the size of it!


Narrator: The story you have just seen is real.  Only the names have been
          changed to protect the innocent.

          Upon arrival back in Los Angeles, Grudge went home immediately and
          hung his stocking up.  In the morning, he received all of his
          back-log of presents.  He thanked Sergeant Friday and vowed to
          keep the Christmas spirit in his heart forevermore.

          The brownie was returned to the South Pole on December the twenty-
          sixth, but was asked to return the following August the fifteenth 
          due to a Pole-wide brownie strike.

          Detective Frank Jones was convinced, after a lot of talking, that
          there WAS an Easter Bunny.  He was returned home to his wife, who
          revived him with green onions...or were they scallions?

          "Not Believing in Santa Claus" is punishable by a term of no less
          than five nor more than fifty years of not receiving presents.




   Regis: We're back with Steve Majors who is at the $16,000 level with one lifeline
left, but he still has a good shot at a million dollars!  Now, let's take a look at the
$32,000 question...


   What did the duo of Borison and Setterburg do in the snow?
   a. Walkin' in the Winter Underwear
   b. Walkin' in the Women's Underwear
   c. Valkin' in the Vinter Vnderwear
   d. Talkin' in the Winter Wonderland


   Steve: Hmmm.  I know Bob Rivers did the Women's thing, so it's not b.----hmmm---
d, doesn't make any sense......mmmmmmm.....

   Regis: People talk in the snow all the time.

   Steve: That's right.  So my guess would have to be a demented one, it's c.!

   Regis: Confident?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: Final Answer?
   Regis: Yes.


   Regis: You can valk in the vonderland richer, you've won a guaranteed $32,000!


   Regis: And here it is, the check with your name on it for $32,000! How does it feel
to have that much money?
   Steve: I can afford to hire a stuntdouble for me.


   Regis: Well, Steve will be going for $64,000 after this video by, Borison and Setterburg



"Valkin' in My Vinter Undervear", by Borison and Setterburg

Sleigh bells ring and I'm listening
But I'm turning and tvisting
'Cause I'm itching up here
And I'm scratching down there
Valking in my vinter undervear

Now da front is all battered
And da back is all tattered
But Vhen I'm cold to da core
I crawl tru da "back door"
And up into my vinter undervear

        Vell, I don't care if it rains or snows or freezes;
        I yam so varm, I yust don't give a hoot.
        I put on all da stockings I can locate
        Then I vear two pair of trousers vith my suit...

But then I start to perspire
Then it sets me on fire
'Cause I'm itching up here
And I'm scratching down there
Valking in my vinter undervear

Vinter snow is vite and glistening
But I'm turning and tvisting
I've gotta scratch a little here
I've gotta scratch a little there
Valking in my vinter undervear

I put my bathing suit avay in moth balls
And now I've got to adapt to snow balls
Vhen I can't scratch my back
I throw myself all aback
Vile valking in my vinter undervear

        Tru rain and snow and ice, I do not vorry
        Vhen vinter come, I do not give a hoot
        My hat and coat and earmuffs keep my cozy
        And a vear two pair of trousers vith my suit...

But vhen it come to other clothing,
Vell the ting dat I am loading
Is vhen my face turns blue
And contortions I go tru
Valking in my vinter undervear

They're from Sears-Rooooebuuuuck...

Valking in my vinter undervear!


   Regis: And welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, and with
me is Steve Majors who is going to take home at least $32,000, but he has just
one lifeline left and that is to call a friend.  Now, let's go to the $64,000


    What group wishes you a litigious new year?
    a. The Clause Company
    b. The Christmas Lawyers
    c. The Arrogant Attorneys
    d. Suddenly Suers

    Steve: My lawyer played this song a lot when I was suing the studio for
medical pay for my injuries.

    Regis: Did you win?

    Steve: He got me a million dollars.


    Regis: So what are you doing here if you already have a million?


    Steve: The IRS man took about 2/5 of that for themselves.


    Regis: Well, let's rectify that and give me your answer?
    Steve: a.-The Clause Company.

    Regis: Is that your final answer?
    Steve: Yes.

    Steve: You're a even richer man, you've won $64,000!


    Regis: Here it is, Steve, a check for $64,000 with your name on it!
    Steve: Yes!
    Regis: Steve will be going for $125,000 right after we see the video
by a group that's here due to a Clause in our contracts, the Clause Company!



"You Can Sue", by The Clause Company

Need some cash right now?
Why you feeling glum?
We can show you how,
To net a tidy sum,
There's hardly any risk,
What have you got to lose?
Just find a way to slip a disc and we will turn the screws!

Oh, yes it's true, you can sue,
Then go shop for free,
Find the rat who sold you that
defective Christmas tree,
Oh, yes it's true, you can sue,
Fund your shopping spree,
Just confess you've been molested
while on Santa'a knee.

You'll have sudden lunge,
Must be Santa's fleet,
As through your ceiling plunge,
And doesn't ram your feet,
With plaster falling 'round,
Can't beg them all to cease,
We'll call him up for damages while you take off on fleece.

Oh, yes it's true, you can sue,
Why not make them pay?
Sue their mold is Christmas Season,
Hurry, don't delay.
Oh, yes it's true, you can sue,
For a minor fee,
Call us up this Christmas eve,
At 28493!

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a Happy Hanukkah,
We wish you a joyous holiday,
And a liticious new year!



   Regis: Oh, aren't the 90s fun?  That was The Clause Company and their jolly
little carol "You Can Sue."  


    Regis: Now as we approach the million, the questions are going to get way
even tougher, so now Steve, let's dig into the $125,000 question...


    What singer got so drunk he wondered where he was?
    a. Dean Martin
    b. Ed McMahon
    c. Larry Hagman
    d. Dudley Moron

    Steve: That song reminds me of Arthur with Dudley Moore, so I'll go with my
instinct and say d. Dudley Moron.

    Regis: Is d. your final answer?
    Steve: Yes.

    Regis: You're right, it's Dudley Moron, you've won $125,000!


    Regis: Here it is, Steve, a check for $125,000 with your name on it.
    Steve: This is heaven!
    Regis: I'll let you rest for the $250,000 question right after we look
at the Dudley Moron video!



"Winter Wonderland", by Dudley Moron

At the office Christmas party
I started off with a Bicardi
        I didn't get sauced,
        But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's
Had egg nog at my mother's
        Then two bottles of wine...
        Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

        Someone caught me dancing with a snowman
        A policeman came and put me in his car
        He said, "Are you drunk?" and I said, "No, man,
        But could you drop me off at the next bar?" (HEH-HEH)

I guess my wife must be missing.
Who's this dog that I'm kissing?
        They say his name's Spot
        And he likes me..a lot!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

        I was looking for a lady I could dance with
        So I stood beneath the mistletoes
        Someone said, "You'd have a better chance if
        You take the lampshade off and put back on your clothes!"
        (A lampshade!  Isn't that the best?!>)

Time to be going.
I'm naked...is it still snowing?
        It's time I should leave...
        I'll be back New Year's Eve!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Have you seen my hat;  I wouldn't want to freeze.
What a party!  Don't you wish you were me?!?!?



   Regis: Steve has $125,000 with one lifeline left, so now, here comes the
$250,000 question...


   Which singer or group never sang the Chipmunk Song?
   a. Canned Heat
   b. Rob Carlson
   c. The Del Rubio Triplets
   d. Napoleon XIV

   Steve: I just don't know that one, so I better ask someone to help me.
   Regis: Do you have anyone specific.
   Conan: I'll call Barret.

   Regis: OK. Let's get him on the phone on the demented telephone!


   Barret: Wind up your telephone, it is I. Dr. Demento, and who is this on the demented


   Regis: I should have known.  This is Regis Tannybin of Who Wants to Be a Demented
Millionaire, and...
   Barret: Woooo! Woooo!  The Doctor is in!


   Regis: Yes, and you have a patient that goes by the name of Steve Majors calling in
for an illness.
   Barret: What is ailing him?
   Regis: His symptoms are currenty stuck on a quarter of a million dollar question,
and he needs your prescription!


   Barret: Alright, please let me talk to Steve!
   Regis: OK, Dr. the next voice you're going to hear is Steve, and you both have
30 seconds...go!

   Steve: Which singer or group never sang the Chipmunk Song?
   a. Canned Heat
   b. Rob Carlson
   c. The Del Rubio Triplets
   d. Napoleon XIV

   Barret: Wooo! Wooo! I have the cure for you, Steve, it's d.-Napoleon XIV never recorded
that particular song!


   Steve: Well, thank you for the cure, Dr.  That will be all.
   Barret: And don't forget to stay Deeeeee-mented!



   Steve: So I'll go with d.

   Regis: Final answer?
   Steve: Yes.

   Regis: You're totally sane with Napoleon XIV, you've won $250,000!  Thank you Dr.


    Regis: Here it is, Steve, a check for $250,000 with your name on it.
    Steve: Now I can afford to buy every record ever recorded!


    Regis: Now Steve will be going for a half-a-million dollars right after this
special recipe for a fruitcake!



Famous Fruitcake Recipe

What you'll need:
a cup of water,
a cup of sugar,
four large eggs,
two cups of dried fruit,
a teaspoon of baking soda,
a teaspoon of salt,
a cup of brown sugar,
lemon juice,
and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whisky again.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer,
beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay.
Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Who cares?  Check the whisky!
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon, of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find!
Grease the oven!
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window,
check the whisky again and go to bed!



   Regis: Ah, yes, words to live by.  Now Steve Majors has $250,000 with no
lifelines left, but now, it's time to see the $500,000 question...


   Which former member of Eight is Enough recorded with Bob Rivers in one
of his Christmas albums?
   a. Betty Buckley
   b. Grant Goodeve
   c. Susan Richardson
   d. Willie Aames.

   Steve: Oh brother, I never watched the show, but I have all the CD's.

   Regis: That will help.  Now think about the singers and what they
sounded like.

   Steve: You know, I belive $250,000 is enough, so I'll take it and split!


   Regis: Alright, You've been an outstanding contestant, and here is your $250,000
check, Steve Majors. Congratulations!


    Regis: And I do wish you a happy holiday season!


    Steve: Thank you very much.
    Regis: Let's hear it for Steve Majors!


    Regis: Well we stumped another contestant, but you never know what questions we'll
be asking them.  The correct answer, was b.--Grant Goodeve, who was heard on the
Bob Rivers albums "I Am Santa Claus" and "More Twisted Christmas."

   Regis: Well, we're out of time for this edition of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire,
but next time we come back, look for these contestants!

   Gary Howard
   Christina Milano
   Rex Miller
   Peter Redford
   Greg Van Mills
   Anna Hughes
   Gabe Brown
   Richard Jackson
   Lou Martin
   Ricky Iglesias


   If you want to be a conestant, then just call our hotline before midnight Dec 24 your
time at 1-888-555-FUNY.  The call is free, and you might be a contestant if you're smart
enough to pass the short quiz.

   Be sure to send your questions with answers and Christmas song lyrics to davidtan@cts.com
and he'll work the questions and multi-choice answers into this quiz.  People who correctly
guess your answer will be chosen at ramdon to win some fake money or something, hell,
think of this as practice when you want to be on the real ABC game show.

   So for now, this is Regis Tannybin, saying, goodnight!


Demented Christmas Specials Main Page D.T.'s Stupid Xmas Special '97 Part 1 D.T.'s Stupid Xmas Special '97 Part 2 D.T.'s Stupid Xmas Special '97 Part 3 D.T.'s Stupid Xmas Special '97 Part 4 WWTBAM Part 1 WWTBAM Part 2 WWTBAM Part 3 WWTBAM Part 4 WWTBAM Part 5 WWTBAM Part 6 WWTBAM '00 Part 1 WWTBAM '00 Part 2 24 Sours Part 1 24 Sours Part 2 24 Sours Part 3 24 Sours Part 4 24 Sours Part 5 24 Sours Part 6 24 Sours Part 7 24 Sours Part 8 24 Sours Part 9
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