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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

WWTBAM Part 5

Yet Another Stupid D.T. Christmas Special!


   Regis: Now it's time to find another Millionaire contestant.

   So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question.




LIGHTS DIM.


   Put the following top Christmas toys in the order they were popular starting with the
most recent.
   a. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
   b. Pokemon
   c. Barney the Dinosaur
   d. Beanie Babies

   
   Go!


   
CONTESTANTS VOTE FOR ANSWERS




   OK. The votes are in.

   Now, let's see the answers starting with the toy that was the hottest in the most
recent year.
   b. Pokemon
   d. Beanie Babies
   c. Barney the Dinosaur
   a. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


   That's the correct order.  Now let's see who correctly answered the question in
the quickest time...

   Grant Meyers   12.32
   Dianne Rich     6.23
   Steve Majors    9.13
   William Jacobs 11.74
   Susie Gibson    4.13
   Mel Stevens     7.22
   Conan Strong    2.95
   Fanny White     4.86
   Bo Mathers      3.70
   Jake Aykroyd    9.13

   

   Regis: It's Conan Strong!  Come on down!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: How are you doing?
   Conan: Fine, Regis.

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: While we're getting ready to play, let's take a look at this next
comedy Christmas video and we'll be right back to play Who Wants to Be a Demented
Millionaire!

APPLAUSE!


===========================================================================
"I'll be Cloned for Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
(to the tune of "I'll be Home for Christmas")

I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
there'll be three of me;
One to Work, and One to Shop,
and One just for Parties.

Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
I won't be alone;
I'll be home for Christmas,
or else I'll send a Clone!

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be a Demented Millionaire the Christmas Carols 
Edition and I'm now with Conan Strong of Miami, Florida.
   Conan: That's right.
   Regis: Please tell us what you do for a living?
   Conan: Well I'm a truck driver in an 18-wheeler, smashing all the Yugo's into
pancakes!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Well be careful, someone might actually be in a car.
   Conan: I wait until they exit, unless they give me the finger while cutting me off.

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Kids, don't try this at home


LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Ready to play?
   Conan: Yup.
   Regis: Well then, here are the rules of the game in case the watchers forgot
how to play this overrated game already.  You start out at the $100
level and go up to the $200 level, and so forth up to the first guaranteed level
of $1000, then from there the prizes double and double until you get to the
second guaranteed level of $32,000, and so on up until you reach the $1,000,000
question.  You have three lifelines at your service: the 50/50, which is where
we take away two wrong answers; you have the audience poll where you ask the
audience to answer the question for you; and finally you can phone a friend on
the long-distance telephone we set up.
   Conan: Bring it on!
   Regis: OK. Let's get started with the $100 question!

DIM LIGHTS:


   For $100, what is the color of Santa's red suit?
   a. Blue
   b. Green
   c. Red
   d. Black

LAUGHTER!

   Conan: Silly question, of course it's c.-red


   Regis: and of course you're right, you've won $100!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Now here comes the $200 question!...


   How many legs combined are in Santa's Reindeer?
   a. 40
   b. 32
   c. 36
   d. 80


   Conan: This is a trick question, so I'll go with a.-40!

AUDIENCE BOOS!

   Regis: How did you come up with 40?
   Conan: Well there's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and
Blitzen, that's 32.
   Regis: Right.
   Conan: and there's Rudolph, who Santa hired to pull a sleigh, that's 36.
   Regis: Yes.
   Conan: and finally, there's Olive, that's 40.

AUDIENCE PUZZLED.

   Regis: Olive?
   Conan: Yea, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: So is this your final answer?
   Conan: Yes.




   Regis: You're right, it is 40, you've won $200!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: I thought we would get you on this one.  Now, let's take a look at the
$300 question...

   What do you give a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?
   a. Love and Understanding
   b. A shave
   c. A female Wookie
   d. A blow dryer?


LAUGHTER!


   Conan: I have the Star Wars CD, so it's a.

   Regis: And you're right, it is a., you've won $300!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Now, let's go to the $500 question...

   What does Santa come down to enter a house?
   a. a mailbox
   b. a window
   c. a chimney
   d. a door


   Conan: It's gotta be a chimney!

   Regis: and you gotta be right, you've won $500!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Now, let's see the $1,000 question...


   Which Baywatch star is mentioned in Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song II?
   a. Pamela Anderson Lee
   b. Yasime Bleeth
   c. Alexandra Paul
   d. Carmen Electra


   Conan: Damn they're hot!

APPLAUSE!

   Conan: I do recall only one of them has boobs that are real, so I'll go with
b.-Yasmine Bleeth.

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: You know where I just saw Pamela's implants?
   Conan: No?
   Regis: covering the ears of the kids by their parents!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: You say b., is that your final answer?
   Conan: Yes.



   Regis: And you're right, she is Yasmine Bleeth, you've won $1,000!  Nice work!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: And Conan Strong still has all three lifelines intact.  He'll be going
for $2,000 right after this video from Adam Sandler!

APPLAUSE!


=============================================================================

"The Hanukkah Song II" by Adam Sandler

Time to take out the menorahs!

Put on your yarmulke,
It's time for Hanukkah,
So much funukkah,
To celebrate Hanukkah!

APPLAUSE!

Hanukkah is a festival of lights,
Instead of one day of presents we have eight crazy nights!

APPLAUSE!

If you feel like the only kid in town,
Without a Christmas tree,
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish,
Just like you and me!

APPLAUSE!

Winona Ryder drinks manachevitz wine,
Then spins the dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Kline,

Guess who gives and receives,
Loads of Hanukkah toys,
The girls from Veruca Salt,
And all three Beastie Boys!

APPLAUSE!

Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too,
Put them together,
What a funky bad-ass Jew!

We got Harvey Keitel,
And Flashdancer Jennifer Beals,
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish,
And yes her boobs are real!

APPLAUSE!

Put on a yamulke,
It's time for Hanukkah,
Two-Time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffmanukkah,
Celebrates Hanukkah.

O.J. Simpson,
Still now a Jew,
But guess who is?
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo!

APPLAUSE!

Bob Dylan was born a Jew,
Then he wasn't, but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish,
'cause we're pretty good in the sack!

APPLAUSE!

Guess who got barmitzvah'd,
On the PTA tour?
No, I'm not talking about Tiger Woods,
I'm talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore!

APPLAUSE!

So many Jews,
Are in the Show biz,
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish,
But my mother thinks he is!

APPLAUSE!

Put on your yamulke,
It's time to celebrate Hanukkah,
It's not pronounced CHAN-YOU-KAH,
Cause it's silent as in Hanukkah,
So read your Hooked On Phonikkah,
Get drunk in Tijuanakkah,
If you really wannaukkah,
Have a happy,
happy,
happy,
happy,
HANUKKAH!

HAPPY HANUKKAH!

APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!
APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!!!!   APPLAUSE!!!!   APPLAUSE!!!!   APPLAUSE!!!!   

   Regis: Great job, Adam!  Now, here comes the $2,000 question...

DIM LIGHTS!


   Who sang the lead in the Spike Jones Christmas Classic...All I Want For
Christmas is My Two Front Teeth?
   a. Sir Frederick Gass
   b. Doodles Weaver
   c. George Rock
   d. Spike Jones



   Conan: I know that kid voice anywhere, the late great George Rock, and that's my
final answer, Regis!

APPLAUSE!

  Regis: You're quick!
  Conan: Yes.



  Regis:  You're right, it is George Rock, you've won $2,000!


APPLAUSE!


  Regis: We already saw the video, so let's cruise on over to the $4,000 question...



DIM LIGHTS!


  What did the Three Stooges use to deck the halls with on their walls?
  a. staples
  b. nails
  c. Velcro(tm)
  d. Scotch Tape (R)


  Conan: My wife kills me if I ever use anything to poke the walls with, so I'll
go with d.-Scotch Tape.

  Regis: Final answer?

  Conan: Yes.




  Regis: You're right, it's Scotch Tape, you've won $4,000!


APPLAUSE!


  Regis: Conan Strong will be going for $8,000 right after we watch this video from
the Three Stooges!


APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Wreck the Halls with Boughs of Holly", by The Three Stooges

(Tune: Deck the Halls)
(M: Moe   L: Larry   C: Curly Joe)

Spoken:
M: 'Tis the night before Christmas and all through the town
   Everything's coming loose;  everything's falling down
(sounds of things falling and crashing)
   Be careful with that holly!
L: Don't nail anything to the wall, I'm warnin' ya.  Use Scotch tape;  Scotch
   tape is better!
C: For paper, it's good.  For holly, it's rotten!
M: Watch out what you hang on that chandelier;  it's not strong!
C: Tinsel.  Tinsel.  It's only tinsel.
L: It's too MUCH tinsel!
C: What harm could one more teensy weensy piece of tinsel do?  Here, let me
   show you...there.  See?  AHHHHHH! (chandelier crashes)
M: Though we hang our gay decorations with care,
L: The whole house is a mess,
M:                            and we cry in despair!
ALL: (crying, then singing:)
     Don't wreck the halls with boughs of holly.
     Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
     Decorating can be folly.
     Fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol
     (more crashes)

(Spoken:)
M: I _told_ you it wouldn't hold!  You wouldn't listen! (SLAP!)
C: Oooh, that hurt!
M: No, it didn't!  THIS one will hurt! (SLAP!)
C: OOOOW!  Hey, you're right!

(Sung:)
ALL: Holly leaves are sharp like stingers
     Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
     Handle them with dainty fingers
     Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

(Spoken:)
C: Ooh, my finger!  It's bleedin'!
M: Serve ya right;  I _told_ you it was sharp!
   The tree is not straight!
L: It's leaning.
M: It's too much decorations on the left side!
L: No, it's NOT ENOUGH decorations on the left side!
C: You're BOTH wrong;  it's not enough on the top!  Here, I'll show ya!
L: No, no, don't put anything more on the top!
M: Come down from there!  Watch out what you're doin'!
C: Oooh!  Whoa!
L: It's dangerous!  I'm warnin' ya, I'm tellin' ya it's...
M: TIMMM-BERRRRRRRRRR! (tree and Curly crashes)
   C'mon, Larry, let's get Curly Joe out from under that tree again.


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!!!!  


   Regis: That was The Three Stooges with the all-time classic "Wreck The Halls."
They're all dead now.

AWWWWWW!!!

   Regis: Now, let's take a look at the $8,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS

   Who told the kids they're not getting Diddley Squat?
   a. Bo Diddley
   b. Heywood Banks
   c. Weird Al Yankovic
   d. Red Peters



   Conan: I'm sure Weird Al would sing something like that, but I know it's gotta
be a.-Heywood Banks.

   Regis: Final Answer?
   Conan: Yes.



   Regis: You're getting diddley squat, it's Heywood Banks, you've won $8,000!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Now Conan will be going for $16,000 right after this video from Heywood
Banks!


APPLAUSE!


=============================================================================

"You Ain't Gettin' Diddly Squat", by Heywood G. Banks.

(Hey, kids, gather 'round!  Heywood's gotta little song for ya here!)

Oh, I just got a message from 'ol Saint Nick way up in Christmasland
And he says the toys for good girls and boys are being made as planned
There's a truck for little Billy and a dolly for Molly, dear,
But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!
(No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!)

Oh, the winter fields are white with snow and the lights are shining bright
And the wee little heads tucked up in bed dream of sugar plums this night
You may dream of big red apples and candy canes so near,
But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!
(No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!)

(Fa-la-la-la-you're in trouble!  Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!)

        When your mother asked you to wash the dishes,
        Why, you said, "No no no!"
        And you did not pick up your socks
        So it's "que sera", horse-face!  HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, you know that Santa's watching you and he keeps a great big list
But, when I tell him the things you've done, he REALLY will be....mad!
When you sit upon his knee, he'll knock ya on your ear
'Cause you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!
No, you ain't gettin' diddly squaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........T!
'Cause you really messed up
Oh, you really messed up
Oh, you really messed up this year!!


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Well, kiddies, let that be your lesson to you.  Now, let's see Conan
go for $16,000!...



DIM LIGHTS



   What gift did Allan Sherman get on the 12th Day of Christmas?
   a. a used phonograph
   b. a new telephone
   c. a piano autographed by Liberace
   d. exchanged all the gifts



   Conan: This was a funny song, and I know what he did with those lousy gifts, he
returned them, he's no fool, so the answer is d.

   Regis: Final answer?
   Conan: Yes.




   Regis: You're right, he exchanged all the gifts, you're at $16,000!  Excellent!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: We'll see Conan go for $32,000 right after this video from the late great
Allan Sherman!


APPLAUSE!  


=============================================================================

"The Twelve Gifts of Christmas" by Alan Sherman

(A: Alan   C: Chorus)

A: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   A Japanese transistor radio.

C: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: Green polka-dot pajamas
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (It's a Nakashuma)

C: On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
C: Green polka-dot pajamas,
   And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (It's the Mark IV model;  that's the one that was discontinued)

C: On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A simulated alligator wallet
C: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
   Green polka-dot pajamas,
   And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (And it come in a leatherette case with holes in it so you can listen
   right through the case)

C: On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee...
C: A simulated alligator wallet
   A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
   Green polka-dot pajamas
   And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (And it comes with a wire with one end that you can stick in your ear, and
   the other end you can't stick anywhere because it's bent)

C: On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A hammered aluminum nut cracker
   And all that other stuff...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it,
   And all that other stuff...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: An indoor plastic birdbath,
C: All that other stuff...
A: And a Japanese transistor radio.

C: On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
        but not when you get it home...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

A: On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange...
   On the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange...

   An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television,
        but not when you get it home...
C: Chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs
C: Indoor plastic birdbath
A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it
C: Hammered aluminum nut cracker
A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee...
C: A simulated alligator wallet
A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka-dot pajamas
A & C: AND A JAPANESE TRANSISTOR RA-DI-OOOOOO!
A: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!!


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: And merry Christmas to you too wherever you are, Allan.  Now, let's
see if the spirit of Allan will help Conan all the way to a million dollars,
so let's take a look at the $32,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS


   According to Weird Al Yankovic, what did Santa do?
   a. eat all the reindeer
   b. went crazy
   c. quit
   d. asked the kids for his toys back.



   Conan: I'm not too sure about that one, so let's go 50/50.
   Regis: Fine. Computer, would you please take away the two incorrect answers,
leaving us with one correct and one wrong answer?

   According to Weird Al Yankovic, what did Santa do?
   b. went crazy
   c. quit




   Conan: They're both nuts, but b. covers more, so I'll say b.-went crazy.

   Regis: Confident?
   Conan: Sure.


   Regis: Final Answer?
   Conan: Yes.





   Regis: You're not crazy, but he is, you've won a guaranteed $32,000!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: And here it is, the check with your name on it for $32,000! How does it feel
to have that much money?
   Conan: I could afford a 27-wheeler now.

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Conan will be going for $64,000 after this video by "Weird Al" Yankovic
from his "Bad Hair Day" CD!

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"The Night Santa Went Crazy" by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all... now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the FBI
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

[soft, pleasant original version]
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy, and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

[extra gory version]
Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend now, as his brain's on the floor
Guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around any more
But now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line to file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' 'bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain


==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: "The Night Santa Went Crazy" by Weird Al Yankovic, not to be confused
with Wierd All Tanglevich or Weerd Al Yankovich or whatever imitators
are out there.  Insist on the real one, Weird Al Yankovic.  That single
is on the EP single "Amish Paradise" in the extra gory version, but the
regular version is off his CD "Bad Hair Day."


APPLAUSE!  

    Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, and with me
is Conan Strong of Miami, FL, who has just won at least $32,000, and he has
two lifeline lefts and they are to call a friend and to poll the audience.

APPLAUSE!

    Regis: Ready to play?
    Conan: I'd be crazy not to.
    Regis: Well, let's go to the $64,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS


    What did Wildman Fischer proudly proclaim in his song?
    a. I'm Santa Claus
    b. I'm a Reindeer
    c. I'm a Christmas Present
    d. I'm a Christmas Tree



    Conan: I sang this while I was drunk, so it's d.-tree.

    Regis: Final answer?

    Conan: Yes.






    Regis: You're a richer man, you've won $64,000!

APPLAUSE!


    Regis: Here it is, Conan, a check for $64,000 with your name on it!
    Conan: Yes!
    Regis: Conan will be going for $125,000 right after we see the video
by Wildman Fischer and Dr. Demento!

APPLAUSE!


===============================================================================

"I'm a Christmas Tree"


I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
EVERYBODY HANGS THEIR ORNAMENTS ON ME!

I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
PEOPLE THROW ME OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!

OH, SANTA CLAUS!
OH, SANTA CLAUS!
HE BREAKS LOTS OF LAWS!

HE TRESPASSES!
HE BREAKS-AND-ENTERS!
HE TRAVELS ALL AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT A VALID PASSPORT!

I'M A HANUKKAH BUSH!
I'M A HANUKKAH BUSH!
I'M LIKE A JEWISH CHRISTMAS TREE!
WHOH!

(sound of two limp bodies crashing to the floor)


===============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

    Regis: Now as we approach the million, the questions are going to get way
tougher, so now Conan, let's dig into the $125,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS


    Who sang a drug-filled version of the 12 Days of Christmas
    a. Cheech and Chong
    b. The Mushroom Tabernacle Choir
    c. George Carlin
    d. The cast of Saturday Night Live



    Conan: I never heard that one, so I'll poll the audience.

    Regis: Fine, our friend Conan could use some help here.  Audience, on your
keypad are the choices a-b-c-d corresponding to the answers. Just pick the correct
answer.  Go.




AUDIENCE SELECTS ANSWERS


    -  -
    -  -     -
    -  -  -  -
    -  -  -  -
    -  -  -  -
    -  -  -  -
    a  b  c  d


LAUGHTER!


   Regis: Well thanks a lot, audience, from the bottom of my heart!

LAUGHTER!


   Regis: Well you have one lifeline left, Conan.

   Conan: I'll go for it and say b., because their name sounds like a drug.

APPLAUSE-BOO!

   Regis: The audience is mixed here.

   Conan: Well, it sounds like them.
   Regis: So is this your final answer?
   Conan: Yes.




   Regis: You're right, it's the Mushroom Tabernacle Choir, you've won $125,000!

APPLAUSE!


    Regis: Here it is, Conan, a check for $125,000 with your name on it.
    Conan: Whooo-hoo!
    Regis: We don't have the video for the song, but here's another Christmas
video we hope you'll enjoy, it's by Jeff Foxworthy!


APPLAUSE!!!

=============================================================================
"The Night After Christmas" by Jeff Foxworthy


           Twas the night after Christmas and all thru the trailer
              The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
                The tube socks hung empty, no candy or toys,
                  And I was camped out in my old Lazy-Boy.
              The kids, they weren't talking to me or my wife,
          The worst Christmas they said they had had in their life.
              Well my wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
                So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
               When out in the yard the dog's starting barking
               I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
               He yelled "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws,
           "And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
                  "Claus? I don't know nobody named Claus."
            "And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
         Then the Sheriff he said "The man was shot at last night."
         I said "Well, that might of been me, what's he look like?"
         "Well, he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
           "That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
             "He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."
         I said "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherry."
             "It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said,
               "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
            "I'm here for the truth now; it's time to come clean.
          "Tell me what you've done and tell me what you've seen."
            Well I started to lie then I thought "What the hell,
           "Wouldn't be the first time I spent new years in jail."
             I said "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
            "And I thought that my wife had been drinking again.
          "When she walked in from work, she was white as a ghost.
              "I thought 'maybe she's seen one of them UFO's.'
           "But she said a bunch of deer just flown over her head
             "And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
           "Well I ran out to look, and the sight made me shudder,
         "A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
             "Well, my hand were a shaking as I grabbed my gun,
              "When out of Red's chimney, this feller did run.
                "And slung on his back was a bag overflowing,
     "I thought 'he's stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling.'
            "So I yelled 'Drop it fat boy, hands up in the air!'
           "But he went about his business, like he hadn't a care.
                 "So I popped a warning shot over his head,
            "Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
                  "And as he flew off, I heard him extort:
          "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see you in court!"
 
Sheriff, I'll tell you this, you put a subpoena on me and I ain't
gonna show up.  I ain't gonna show up, I'll hole up in the cellar and
you'll never root me out of there.  So why don't say we just forget
all this.  Look, we've known each other a long time.  You just turn
the car off, come in, we'll watch wrestling, eat some Easter bunny
stew, talk about how to catch that tooth fairy.

==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Conan has $125,000 with one lifeline left, so now, here comes the
$250,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS



   Which singer sang the recent version of "All I Want for Christmas?"
   a. RuPaul
   b. Spike Jones Jr.
   c. Dennis Rodman
   d. Dame Edna



   Conan: I better call my friend and see who sings this one.
   Regis: Do you have anyone specific.
   Conan: I'll call Cinnamon.

   Regis: OK. Let's get her on the phone.


RING!


   Cinnamon: Hello dahling!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Hello (pause) Cinnamon, this is Regis from Who Wants to Be a Demented
Millionaire!

   Cinnamon: Sweeeeet!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Well, your friend Conan Strong is trying to go for $250,000 and he needs
your help.
   Cinnamon: Super!
   Regis: The next voice you're going to hear is Conan, and you have 30 seconds...go!


   Conan: Which singer sang the recent version of "All I Want for Christmas?"
   a. RuPaul
   b. Spike Jones Jr.
   c. Dennis Rodman
   d. Dame Edna


   Cinnamon: Definitely a.-RuPaul, I just heard the CD today and he sounds great.
   Conan: Where are you driving now?
   Cinnamon: I'm just hitting Texas now. Can I borrow your black high heels next time
we meet, pal?

LAUGHTER!

   Conan: Hey, we can go shopping together.
   Cinnamon: I'll see you on the flip side, over and out.

HANG UP.


   Regis: That's cool. A couple of truckin' transvestites winning money!  That's a TV
first!

APPLAUSE!

   Conan: GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT?
   Regis: It's cool.  I sometimes am forced to wear Kathie Lee's skirts on the show.
   Conan: Really?
   Regis: Just come over and see the contract. Next week, I have to model a wedding
gown!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Hey it's either that or pay her more millions!

   Conan: I'll say a.-RuPaul, and it's my final answer.





   Regis: You're truckin' with RuPaul, you've won $250,000!



APPLAUSE!


    Regis: Here it is, Conan, a check for $250,000 with your name on it.
    Conan: Yes!!!
    Regis: We don't have the RuPaul video, but let's see a Christmas video by
someone, then well try for a half-a-million dollars!


APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"Christmas Is Almost Here" by The Arrogant Worms



Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

It's five days 'til Christmas,
I haven't done a thing,
Don't even have a Christmas tree,
I'm panicking!

Lots are all sold out,
I search until the night,
I end up with a grubby shrub,
Up with the case of blight!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Four days til Christmas,
Guess I'll have to decorate,
Hours in the basement,
Until I find the crate!

Lights and bulbs and 'lectric strings,
all tangled in a knot,
Then I spend the day separ-
ating what I got!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Three days til Christmas,
Spent all day writing cards,
I stared writing letters now,
I just say best regards.

I shove them in the mailbox,
And to the mall I go,
To get gifts for Jim and Dave
and Tim and Uncle Joe!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

It's two days til Christmas,
A million things to do,
Clean the house, put on tea,
Company is due.

Where are my relatives?
Why haven't they showed up?
I'll bet they're at the airport,
I forgot to pick them up!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

[speed up tempo]

Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Christmas is almost here!
Hurrry up!!!!   AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!


[Slow down the tempo]

It's finally Christmas,
Kids wake me up at five,
All downstairs and messy hair,
So me half a life.

And all day serving company,
Then fall down inert,
If these are my holidays,
I'd rather stay at work.


==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Ah, yes, the Arrogant Worms off their Christmas Turkey CD.  Now, let's
see Conan Strong go for $500,000 with no lifelines left, but here comes the
question...


DIM LIGHTS



   Which singer did not release a Christmas album?
   a. N'Sync
   b. Christina Aguliera
   c. Backstreet Boys
   d. Britney Spears



   Conan: Believe it or not, I have three of the albums...


APPLAUSE!

   Conan: And I know Britney hasn't released an album, so I'll say d.

   Regis: Final answer?

   Conan: Yes.






   Regis: It is Britney Spears, you've won $500,000!  Outstanding!

APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!  APPLAUSE!

    Regis: Here it is, Conan, a check for $500,000 with your name on it.
    Conan: Alright!
    Regis: What are you going to do now?
    Conan: I'm going to Disneyland!

LAUGHTER!

    Conan: Well, OK, now, let's calm down and get our breath ready for the
$1,000,000 question, after this video by The Old Philosopher!




APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"A Merry Old Philosopher" by Eddie Lawrence

Hello, there, little ones.
You say your old man dressed up as Santa Claus and can't get his belly 
        through the fireplace?
And you hang up a purple bulb on the tree and three thousand volts go 
        through ya?
And your brother made an animal cage out of your Erector set, and Grandma
        can't get out?
And someone opened a window while you're sortin' stamps and all your triangles
        are flying around the house?
And one of your gifts, a strange little shiny box, suddenly takes off and is
        now circling the earth at twelve-hundred miles-an-hour?

Is that what's troublin' you, tiny tots?!?

WELL, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN LOW AND TAKE A RUN IN THE SNOW, WITH THAT DEVIL-MAY-
CARE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!  FOR THE WHOLE WORLD'S SINGING A HAPPY SONG AS
MERRILY YOU ROLL ALONG!  YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE 
UP...

..THAT SLED!!!

Hey, there, moppets.
You say your mischievous cousin Wilbur gave ya "Moosehead" with the moose
        still in it?
And you ate so many candy sticks, your nose is green with red and white 
        nostrils on it?
And you just can't seem to piece together your life-size "assemble-it-
        yourself" ranch house?
And you just got a pine needle right up your cuticle?  (OW!)
And Aunt Bertie ain't come home from Macy's yet, and it's been eight days now?
And your daddy chopped down a pine tree in the forest and brings it in and a
        big gray eagle flies out and won't leave the bedroom?

Is that what's perturbing you, moppets?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A FLOP ON THE ICE, WITH THAT MELODY
RINGING IN YOUR HEAD AND A "HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE" IN YOUR HEART!  YOU'LL NEVER 
GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...

..THOSE SKATES!

Hey, there, boobies.
You say that smolderin'' Yule log is so wet and sticky, everyone's gasping
        for breath while trying to look merry?
And...and your Uncle Harold came in as a big jolly bear, and your father shot
        him?
And your little doggie swallowed some of them jingle bells and is driving the
        whole house crazy?
And...and you went sleigh riding in a big blizzard and you can't find your
        way home and, while you're wanderin' in a field, you get picked up by
        a big snow shovel and dumped into a truck headed for an ice cold 
        river?
And your little toy grocery store went out of business?

Is that what's on your minds, boobies?!?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A WALK IN THE SLUSH WITH THAT DIGNITY
AND STICK-TO-IT-NESS, THAT YOU'LL SHOW MARS, YOU'LL SHOW PLUTO!  YOU'LL SHOW
'EM WHERE TO GET OFF!  YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...

..that old Christmas spirit...no matter WHO broke your new bicycle!  This is
the old philosopher saying, "Merry Christmas, cousins, and a hefty-doodlely-
de!"
COME ON, THUNDER!  COME ON, BLITZEN!  AND A HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE!  SANTA WANTS
YOU TO KEEP MOVING!!!

==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

    Regis: That was Eddie Lawrence with the "Merry 'Ol Philosopher", some words of
wisdom for the holiday season. 


APPLAUSE!


    Regis: Are you ready, Conan Strong?
    Conan: Sure!
    Regis: OK, now, get ready, because here comes the million dollar question, and
audience, can I have complete silence? Thank you.



DIM LIGHTS


    Who sang the song Monsters Holiday?
    a. Bobby Boris Pickett
    b. Boris Karloff
    c. Lon Chaney Jr.
    d. Vincent Price



    Conan: Wellllll.......hmmmm........I give up. I quit.
    Regis: Well, here is your $500,000 check, Conan Strong.

APPLAUSE!


    Regis: And I hope you spend it wisely.

HANDS OVER CHECK

    Conan: Thanks man.

APPLAUSE! CONAN LEAVES




    Regis: Well I guess that really was a hard question.  You might think that it is
Bobby Pickett since he did the Monster Mash, but actually, it is c.--Lon Chaney Jr.
Well, Conan was strong enough to quit and did a wise thing.

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