Regis: Now it's time to find another Millionaire contestant. So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question. LIGHTS DIM. Put the following top Christmas toys in the order they were popular starting with the most recent. a. Tickle Me Elmo b. Cabbage Patch Kids c. Sleep and Snore Ernie d. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Go! CONTESTANTS VOTE FOR ANSWERS OK. The votes are in. Now, let's see the answers starting with the toy that was the hottest in the most recent year. c. Sleep and Snore Ernie a. Tickle Me Elmo d. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers b. Cabbage Patch Kids That's the correct order. Now let's see who correctly answered the question in the quickest time... David Tanny 32.35 Captain Mike 8.12 Alfred Yankovic 27.27 Jill Somers 16.98 Eric Hartman 10.65 Jay Nelson 7.33 Walt Montgomery 6.12 Regis: It's Walt Montgomery! Come on down! APPLAUSE! Regis: What's up. Walt? Walt: Nothin much until I win that million, then I be jammin'!" APPLAUSE! Regis: With a million, you can get anything you darn want to. Walt: Damn right! LAUGHTER! Regis: While we're getting ready to play, let's take a look at this next comedy Christmas video and we'll be right back to play Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire! APPLAUSE! =========================================================================== "Have a Jewish Christmas" (NOT by D M Goldstein) (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") The lights are being strung, The streets are full of cheer, The stockings have been hung, Christmas Time is here. Its joyous revelry and spirit capture you; "At Christmas Time it's hard to be a good religious Jew." ("Oy") (Chorus:) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle night and day. It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way. Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, If Santa Claus is true, his joy is fun for everyone, but what's a Jew to do? He goes to synagogue, it doesn't matter which, He's Jewish and he's very proud, "I'd rather fight than switch." When Christmas Time is here, he wishes it would pass, "Last Sunday morning I got up and almost went to mass!" ("Oy") (repeat Chorus and end.) ============================================================================= Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be a Demented Millionaire the Christmas Carols Edition and I'm now with Walt Montgomery of Chicago? Walt: That's it. You got it! Regis: Please tell us what you do for a living? Walt: I spend most of the time undercover, so I can't really go into it for now. Regis: Well I hope its for liberty and justice for all. Walt: I can dig it. Regis: Ready to play? Walt: Yes I am. Regis: Well then, here are the rules of the game in case the watchers forgot how to play this overrated game already. You start out at the $100 level and go up to the $200 level, and so forth up to the first guaranteed level of $1000, then from there the prizes double and double until you get to the second guaranteed level of $32,000, and so on up until you reach the $1,000,000 question. You have three lifelines at your service: the 50/50, which is where we take away two wrong answers; you have the audience poll where you ask the audience to answer the question for you; and finally you can phone a friend on the long-distance telephone we set up. Walt: Alright! Regis: OK. Let's get started with the $100 question! DIM LIGHTS: For $100, who sang "I'm a Christmas Tree?" a. Emo Phillips b. Wildman Fischer c. Monty Python d. Al Gore LAUGHTER! Walt: I guess Gore would make an excellent tree of one sort... LAUGHTER-APPLAUSE! Walt: ...but I'm going to say b.-Wildman Fischer. Regis: And I'm going to say you're right, you've won $100! APPLAUSE! Regis: $200 coming up! What group spent Christmas in a Gridlock? a. The Hollytones b. The Mistletones c. The BuddyHollies d. Kukla, Fran, and Holly. LAUGHTER! Walt: I know I was stuck in traffic a lot during the shopping, so I'll go with a.-The Hollytones. Regis: You're not in any jam, you're now at $200! APPLAUSE! Regis: Let's tackle this $300 question. Who is the youngest Chipmunk? a. Theodore b. Alvin c. Simon d. Garfunkel LAUGHTER! Walt: I remember the smallest Chipmunk, and it's b.-Alvin! Regis: You remember correctly, you're at $300! APPLAUSE! Regis: Let's go to the $500 question... What did Barnes and Barnes do with Santa in their song? a. Sent him back up the chimney b. Tied him up c. Had sex with d. Gave him their old toys back. Walt: These guys sing the weirdest songs. Regis: And I thought Kathie Lee was weird singing those stale Christmas carols. LAUGHTER! Walt: Well, I know Barnes and Barnes sang about Fish Heads... Regis: Yea, that's true. Walt: But I don't think they would give him back their old toys... Regis: Unless they're Lumanian classics I guess. LAUGHTER! Walt: Knowing how perverted these lyrics can get with this group, I'm going by instinct and say c.-had sex with. Regis: Final answer? Walt: Yes. Regis: And you're right, it's c., you're at $500! Excellent! APPLAUSE! Regis: Now here comes your $1,000 question... Who sings about Getting Nuthin' For Christmas? a. Scrooge b. Stan Freberg c. Saddam Hussein d. David Tanny LAUGHTER! Walt: These questions are getting weird. Regis: Why do you say that? Walt: None of these people even deserve a gift, that's what I mean, it's a trick question. LAUGHTER-APPLAUSE! Regis: I can tell you that only one of them sang the song. Walt: Well I know that d. can't sing jack. APPLAUSE! Regis: Never heard of him. Walt: And c. and a. have hummed some tunes... Regis: Mostly bah-humbug types. LAUGHTER! Walt: So my choice will be b.--Stan Freberg Regis: That your final answer? Walt: Yes. Regis: And you're right it is Stan, you win $1,000! Congratulations! APPLAUSE! Regis: Walt, you're now at the first guaranteed level of $1,000. That is yours to keep at the least. You're going to be going for $2,000 right after we take a look at this video. Ladies and Gentlemen, the funniest person in France, this song from Stan Freberg (and mutual rogue friend) with "Nuttin' for Christmas". APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Nuttin' For Christmas", by Stan Freberg I broke my bat on Johnny's head; somebody snitched on me. I hid a frog in sister's bed; somebody snitched on me. I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug I made Tommy eat a bug Bought some gum with a penny slug; Somebody snitched on me. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... CHORUS: I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas! Mommy and Daddy are mad! I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas 'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad! I put a tack on teacher's chair; somebody snitched on...me. I tied a knot in Susie's hair; some..............me. I did a dance on Mommy's plants Climbed a tree and tore my pants Filled the sugar bowl with ants; Somebody snitched on me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hurry up!... CHORUS I won't be seeing Santa Claus; somebody snitched on me. He won't come visit me because...somebody snitched on me. Next year, I'll be going straight Next year, I'll be good; just wait! I'd start now but it's too late; Somebody.... (sleigh bells) Spoken: Who's that coming down the chimney with a bag over his shoulder? (GASP) It's HIM! IT'S HIIIIIIM! I THOUGHT HE WASN'T COMING!!!!! *** Where's the silverware, little boy? *** In the dining room, like I told you! *** And the jewelry? *** Same place as last time. How about my cut? *** The usual? *** The usual. Join me on the chorus, OK? *** Why not? *** CHORUS Have a good season? *** Excellent! *** ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, that Stan Freberg did a mean impression of Jerry Lewis, I must say. Now, Walt will be going for $2,000, and Walt, how do you feel? Walt: Well I feel like I can make rent this month. APPLAUSE! Regis: Glad I can help, but now, let's take a look at the $2,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What did Kip Addotta see kissing Santa Claus? a. auntie b. sister c. gramma d. daddy Walt: It would be strange seeing daddy kissing Santa knowing it's demented, so I'll go with d.-daddy. Regis: Final Answer? Walt: Yes. Regis: And you're right, its a daddy, you've won $2,000! Nice! APPLAUSE! Regis: Walt will be going for $4,000 right after this video from Kip Addotta! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus", by Kip Addotta I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus Underneath the mistletoe last night He didn't see me creep Down the stairs to have a peep He thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep Then I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus Underneath his beard so snowy white There must be some mistake Was I really awake? I rubbed my eyes and moved in close, a better look to take' Then I saw Daddy hugging Santa Claus He took his hand and moved him to the couch It must have been just fine Santa didn't seem to mind Then Daddy moved across the room to pour them both some wine Then I saw Daddy fondle Santa Claus And on his ear he nibbled now and then I crawled across the floor I hid behind the door I left it open just a crack so I can watch some more Then I saw Daddy undress Santa Claus They quickly threw their clothes on our big chair Well, much to my surprise I couldn't believe my eyes It wasn't Santa after all but Mommy in disguise! When I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus Underneath the mistletoe last night Oh, what a laugh it would have been If I had REALLY seen Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back. Now let's see Walt go for $4,000 with this question... DIM LIGHTS Who is watching you according to Ray Stevens? a. angels b. Santa Claus c. Rudolph d. Elves Walt: Sure, big brother is watching us, but he's not mentioned here. Regis: Well that should make it easier to decide. Walt: I remember that song where he knows you whether you've been bad or good, and that's Santa, so I'll say b. Regis: Final answer? Walt: Yes. Regis: And you're right, Santa Claus is Watchin' You, you're at $4,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Walt will be going for $8,000 right after this video from Ray Stevens! APPLAUSE! ================================================================================ 903410utpoeigrjn;odnbvadfpmg9oqer'pg9jqe roigqeh rnoqeirwgn;34o8tnu3h41 erqwg'liqerjg qperogjq 'kqre' g-9pqej r][gq0er9g]uqjer09gjq3i4ogj4qer qrwe (*^LIUH:OU;o9u['09H:UIOHB;o9h;onbjkl qerpogjq09uqergqre ================================================================================ LAUGHTER! Regis: Looks like the video machine ate the Ray Stevens tape! LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, in that case, Walt, let's march on to the $8,000 question... DIM LIGHTS Regis: What was not one of the 12 Pains of Christmas? a. Christmas Shopping b. Rigging up the lights c. Facing the In-Laws d. Singing Christmas Carols. Walt: I'm not so sure, so let's poll the audience. Regis: OK. Audience, Walt could use some help here. On your touchpad by your lap are the choices a-b-c-d corresponding to the answers. Just select the correct answer and you might win something. Go! AUDIENCE SELECTS ANSWERS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a b c d Regis: Looks like a. and d. are pretty close, but a. is leading. What do you think? Walt: I'll go with the audience and say a. Regis: Final Answer? Walt: Yes. Regis: They're right, you're right, you're at $8,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Walt has $8,000 and two lifelines left, he's halfway there to a million dollars. Can he do it? We'll find out after this video by Bob Rivers, then he'll try for $16,000! Be right back! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers! C: (Chorus) The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 2: (Angry husband) Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me 3: (Man getting over being drunk) Hangovers 2: Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me 4: (Exhausted man) Sending Christmas cards 3: Hangovers 2: Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Five months of bills! 4: Sending Christmas cards 3: Hangovers 2: Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 6: (Nervous wife) Facing my in-laws C: Five months of bills! 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards! 3: Hangovers 2: Rigging up these lights! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 7: (Number 6's husband) The Salvation Army 6: Facing my in-laws C: Five months of bills! 4: Sending Christmas cards 3: Oh, geez! 2: I'm tryin' to rig up these lights! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me: 8: (Whining brat...er, kid) I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! 7: Charities, And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!? C: Five months of bills! 4: Oh, making out these cards 3: Honey, get me a beer, huh? 2: What, we have no extension cords?!? C: And finding a Christmas tree. The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me 9: (A tired father, probably of number 8) Finding parking spaces 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws C: Five months of bills! 4: Writing out those Christmas cards 3: Hangovers! 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!? C: And finding a Christmas tree. The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 0: (A mother) "Batteries Not Included" 9: No parking spaces. 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum! 6: Oh, facing my in-laws! C: Five months of bills! 4: Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards 3: Oh, geez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me: A: (A male couch potato) Stale TV specials 0: "Batteries Not Included" 9: No parking spaces 8: DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!! 7: Charities! 6: She's a witch; I hate her! C: Five months of bills! 4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these paper! 3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh? 2: Get a flashlight; I blew a fuse!! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me: B: (Two men) Singing Christmas carols A: Stale TV specials 0: "Batteries Not Included" 9: No parking?!? 8: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make 'em dinner! C: Five months of bills! 4: I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, _YOU_ RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!! C: And finding a Christmas tree. ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back and with me is Walt with $8,000 and two lifelines left. Walt: Yup. Regis: Well, let's get to the $16,000 question right now... DIM LIGHTS Who Yust Goes Nuts at Christmas? a. Napoleon XIV b. Screwball Squirrel c. Yogi Yorgesson d. Charles Manson Walt: I'm yust about to go nuts if I get this wrong, it's c. Yogi Yorgesson Regis: Final answer? Walt: Yes. Regis: And you yust get richer, you've won $16,000! Nice! APPLAUSE! Regis: Walt will be going for $32,000 right after we see Yogi's Christmas tune! ============================================================================== "I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas", by Yogi Yorgesson Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas On that yolly holiday I'll go in da red like a knucklehead 'Cause I'll sqvander all my pay. Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas Shopping sure drives me berserk On da day before, I'll rush in da store Like a poor, bevillered yerk! I look at nightgowns for my vife; Dose black vones trimmed in red. But I don't know her size and so, She'll get a carpet sveeper, instead Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas Vhen each kid hangs up his sock It's a time for kids to flip their lids Vhile their papa goes in hock (Spoken:) On the night before Christmas, it's still in the house My family is sleeping, so I'm qviet like a mouse I look at my vatch, and midnight is near... I tink I'll sneak out for a cold glass o' beer. Down at the corner, the crowd is so merry I end up by drinking about tvelve Tom 'n' Yerry I get to bed late and, gee vhiz, how I'm sleeping Vhen, on to my bed, those darn kids they come leaping They sit on my face and they yump on my belly And I'm shiverin' all over like a bowl full of yelly They scream, "Merry Christmas!" My poor vife and me Ve stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree My head is exploding; my mouth tastes like a pickle I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle Yust before Christmas dinner, I relax to a point Then relatives start svarming all over tha yoint On Christmas, I hug and I kiss my vife's mother The rest of the year, ve don't speak to each other After dinner, my aunt and my vife's Uncle Louie Get into an argument; they're both awful screwy The all my vife's family say Louie is right And my goofy relations, they yoin in the fight Back in the corner, the radio's playing And, over the racket, Gabriel Hader is saying, "Peace on Earth, everybody, and goodvill tovard men" And, yust at that moment, somevone slugs Uncle Ben They all run outside vhooping so the neighbors'll hear... Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes yust vonce a year! (Singing:) Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas But I still have lots of fun Yust the same as you, I enyoy it, too... Merry Christmas, everyvone! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Now, here comes the $32,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What car was Da Yoopers driving? a. Plymouth b. Ford c. Chrysler d. Chevrolet Walt: I'm not sure about this one either, so I'll use the 50/50, Regis. Regis: Fine. Computer, would you please take away two wrong answers and leave us with one right and one wrong answer? What car was Da Yoopers driving? a. Plymouth d. Chevrolet Regis: Well I hope that narrows down your car selection? Walt: Sure did. I like the way Chevrolet rolls off the tongue, so I'll say d. Regis: Confident? Walt: Yes. Regis: Final answer? Walt: Yes it is. Regis: And you're right, it's a rusty Chevrolet! You've won a guaranteed $32,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: And here it is, the check with your name on it for $32,000! How does it feel to have that much money? Walt: Well I feel like such a baaad mother... Regis: Shut your mouth! APPLAUSE! Walt: But I was talkin' about Montgomery. Regis: Then I can dig it! LAUGHTER! Regis: Walt will be going for $64,000 after this video from the singers of the classic hunting song "Second Week O' Deer Camp" and "Beer Gut". Right there, let's listen to Da Yoopers! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "My Rusty Chevrolet" by Da Yoopers (Car trying to start...and failing) "C'mon, c'mon! (starts again) C'mon, you can do it! (starts) All right!" Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet Down the road I go, sliding all the way I need new piston rings; I need some new snow tires My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire CHORUS: Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's OK Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer I just passed up my left front tire and it's getting hard to steer Speeding down the highway, right past a Negaunee cop. I had to drag my swampers to get the car to stop. CHORUS (BRIDGE: accordion solo of chorus) Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big blue cloud of smoke People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke? I have to get to Shopco to pick up the layaway 'Cause Santa Claus is coming soon in his big old rusty sleigh CHORUS Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay... FADE OUT ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, and with me is Walt Montgomery of Chicago, ILL, who has just won at least $32,000, and he has one lifeline left and that is to call a friend, but he's 2/3rds of the way to a million dollars. APPLAUSE! Walt: This is really something! This is right on. Regis: So, what are you planning to do with the money you've won now? Walt: Purchase every record by Isaac Hayes. APPLAUSE! Regis: Ever since he became Chef on South Park, his popularity has skyrocketed. Walt: Well I can dig his love songs, in fact, I sang some of them to my babe. Regis: How did she respond? Walt: Ummm, let's let the audience draw their own conclusions. OOOOOHHHHH! Regis: Well, Walt, let's take on the $64,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What is the name of the Christmas Album series whose proceeds go to the Special Olympics? a. A Very Special Christmas b. A Very Merry Christmas c. A Special Olympic Christmas d. A Very Happy Christmas Walt: Well, I recently saw these albums at some cheap departmet store. Regis: the one Rosie used to plug? LAUGHTER! Walt: Who? LAUGHTER! Regis: Nevermind. Walt: They are all great titles, but the one that has to be correct is a.-A Very Brady Christmas. LAUGHTER! Regis: Freudian slip! Walt: I mean a Very Special Christmas! Regis: Those Brady Bunch guys keep popping in, they're outta control! LAUGHTER! Walt: When I was watching the show, I did something while Marcia was on. AUDIENCE OOOOOHS! Regis: Well, let's not get into George Michael territory around here! LAUGHTER! Walt: Anyway, a. is my choice and that's my final answer, Regis. APPLAUSE! Regis: You say a.--a Very Special Christmas? Regis: I say you have a very special winning streak! You've won $64,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here it is, Walt, a check for $64,000 with your name on it! Walt: Cool. Regis: We'll see Walt go for $125,000 right after this video! APPLAUSE! =============================================================================== "Mr. Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein, 1987 (to the tune of "Mr. Bojangles") I met a man named Santa, and he'd pose with you, In a red suit. Silver hair, a red jacket, a long white beard, and big black boots. He'd fly so high, oh, he'd fly so high, and then he'd "Ho ho ho!" I met him in a Sears in Alaska, he was down and out. He looked to me to be the eyes of age, as he spoke right out. He talked of elves, yeah, he talked of elves, smiled, "Ho ho ho"'ed and stepped. (Chorus:) Mr. Santa Claus. Mr. Santa Claus. Mr. Santa Claus. "Nick." He made toys for the girls and boys at County Fairs, throughout the South, He spoke in tears of eight reindeer, how they and him just flew about. Now they've all retired, oh, they've all retired, They stay home Christmas Eve. He said "They'd prance at every chance when they would land on roofs like planes, But most 'the time they'd sit around pole and play Those reindeer games." He shook his head, and as he shook his head I thought I heard a "Ho ho ho!" (repeat Chorus and end.) =============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Now as we approach the million, the questions are going to get way tougher, so now Walt, let's skip the video and dig into the $125,000 question... DIM LIGHTS What well-known singer once sang the Christmas B-side, "Ho Ho Ho, He He He, Who'd Be a Turkey at Christmas?" a. George Michael b. Elton John c. Michael Jackson d. David Bowie Walt: Well, you know what? I just don't know, so I wish to call my friend, Malcolm. Regis: Fine, well, let's have our overbloated long-distance carrier reach out and dial him up for you. RING! RING! Malcolm: Yo! Regis: Malcolm, you be chillin'? Malcolm: I'm hip, honky, who are you? Regis: This is Regis of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, and your friend Walt is going for $125,000! Malcolm: If he gets it right, I better get a cut of his winnings! APPLAUSE! Regis: I'll let Walt decide how much, but the next voice you're going to hear is Walt's and you have 30 seconds to answer the question. Go! Walt: What well-known singer once sang the Christmas B-side, "Ho Ho Ho, He He He, Who'd Be a Turkey at Christmas?" a. George Michael b. Elton John c. Michael Jackson d. David Bowie Malcolm: Well, I know that David Bowie never recorded such a song, but George and Michael are musical turkeys as far as I know... LAUGHTER! Malcolm: Trust me on this, homey, it's b.-Elton John, and I be winning $32,000 and it's my final answer! APPLAUSE! Walt: Well thanks, man, for the 411 on this. HANG UP Walt: I'll go with Elton John. Regis: I'll assume not in a physical sense. LAUGHTER! Walt: Come on, man, show me the answer? Regis: Final Answer? Walt: Yes! Regis: And you're both right, you win $125,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here it is, Walt, a check for $125,000 with your name on it. Walt: Bitchin'! Regis: We'll see Walt go for a quarter of a million dollars right after this next video! APPLAUSE! =========================================================================== "Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein 1985 (to the tune of "Rocket Man") I packed my bags last night for flight; Zero hour, one a.m.; And I'm gonna be high in my sleigh by then. I miss the Pole so much, I miss my wife; It's lonely out in space On such a famous flight. (Chorus:) And I think it's gonna be a long, long time before you get your gifts; you've yet to find I'm not the man you think I am at all, oh no, no, no; because I'm Santa Claus. Santa Claus, flying with my reindeer 'cross the sky. The Pole ain't the kind of place to raise your kids; In fact, it's cold as hell; But there's elves to baby-sit them if you did. And all these 'Go-bots' I don't understand; It's just my job one day a year. Santa Claus, I'm Santa Claus. (repeat Chorus and end.) =========================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Let's jump to the $250,000 question, and audience, may I have complete silence? Thank you. DIM LIGHTS In Fear's Christmas Song, what word in the title comes before Christmas? a. s--- b. p--- c. f--- d. c--- LAUGHTER! Regis: The first time I had to bleep out every answer. This game is outta control! LAUGHTER! Walt: Well s---, I give the f--- up, so I be gone with the money. APPLAUSE! Regis: OK. Here is your check for $125,000. APPLAUSE! Walt: Thank you. Regis: Thanks for playing, you've done a bitchin' job here, and come back again. APPLAUSE--WALT LEAVES Regis: Man, I never thought I would be saying it, but whoever wrote that question will be working for the dumpy UPN network! LAUGHTER! Regis: But, the correct answer is c.---f---! LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, we're out of time for this edition of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire, but next time we come back, look for these contestants! Grant Meyers Dianne Rich Steve Majors William Jacobs Susie Gibson Mel Stevens Conan Strong Fanny White Bo Mathers Jake Aykroyd APPLAUSE! If you want to be a conestant, then just call our hotline before midnight Dec 24 your time at 1-888-555-FUNY. The call is free, and you might be a contestant if you're smart enough to pass the short quiz. Be sure to send your questions with answers and Christmas song lyrics to email@example.com and he'll work the questions and multi-choice answers into this quiz. People who correctly guess your answer will be chosen at ramdon to win some fake money or something, hell, think of this as practice when you want to be on the real ABC game show. So for now, this is Regis Tannybin, saying, goodnight! APPLAUSE!