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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

WWTBAM Part 3

Yet Another Stupid D.T. Christmas Special!


   Regis: Now it's time to find another Millionaire contestant

   So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question.

LIGHTS DIM.


   Put the following Christmas Novelty songs in the order that they were released.
   a. Green Christmas
   b. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
   c. Father Christmas
   d. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

   
   Go!


   
CONTESTANTS VOTE FOR ANSWERS




   OK. The votes are in.

   Now, let's see the answers starting with the song that was released the earliest.
   d. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
   a. Green Christmas
   c. Father Christmas
   b. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus


   That's the correct order.  Now let's see who correctly answered the question in
the quickest time...

   David Tanny     15.35
   Alyssa Spears    3.56
   Captain Mike    13.93
   Alfred Yankovic 27.27
   Jill Somers      5.12
   Eric Hartman     9.13
   Jay Nelson       8.44
   Walt Montgomery 10.63

   Regis: It's Alyssa Spears! Come on down, Alyssa!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Finally, a female contestant!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: How are you doing Alyssa?
   Alyssa: I'm doing great!  YESSS!!!!!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: I don't think you're too excited about being on the game show.

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: I'm ready to play and look cute on TV.

AUDIENCE FLIRTS!

   Regis: Hey now guys, this is a family game show.

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: While we're getting ready to play, let's take a look at this next
comedy Christmas video and we'll be right back to play Who Wants to Be a Demented
Millionaire!

APPLAUSE!


=============================================================================

'Twas the Night After Christmas
By Jeff Foxworthy


'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
And I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
The worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.


When out in the yard the dog started barkin', 
I stood up and looked and saw old Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what does he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said."
The man I'm describing in dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
It wouldn't be the first time that I spent New Years in jail.


I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
And I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
When outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowlin'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court!"

Find this and a whole lot more at the newly-renovated Djurkwhad's House O'
Stuff.

http://www.angelfire.com/ca2/dhos


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Welcome back to Millionaire and with me now is our newest contestant
Alyssa Spears of Santa Monica California.
   Alyssa: That's right.
   Regis: And what do you do in sunnyfornia?
   Alyssa: (giggles) get tanned, cruise the highways, flirt at guys...


AUDIENCE WHISTLES!

   Regis: Is there anything else you do?
   Alyssa: I'm also a top model in Hollywood.

   Regis: So why do you need to win a million dollars if you are more than
capable of getting that just by your good looks alone?

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: To give my IQ of 176 a workout on TV.

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Well, I hope you prove all the skeptics wrong and win that million dollars.
   Alyssa: Thank you, Regey!

AUDIENCE OOOHS!

   Regis: Hey now, Alyssa, let's see if all your assets could make you a millionaire.
Ready to play?
   Alyssa: Sure am!
   Regis: Alright now, Alyssa, you know the rules, 15 questions on the way to a million
dollars, three lifelines, and I do reccomend using all of them if needed, that's why
they're there since we really want you to win.
   Alyssa: Isn't that nice.
   Regis: Well then, let's begin with the $100 question...


DIM LIGHTS


   
   What did Gayla Peevey want for Christmas?
   a. an elephant
   b. a hippopotamus
   c. a rhino
   d. a giraffe




   Alyssa: I'm sure it's b.-a hippopotamus.
   Regis: And I'm sure you're right, you've won $100!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Now, here comes the $200 question...

   Hark I hear the blankies sing.  What are the blankies?
   a. the angels
   b. the reindeer
   c. the three kings
   d. the Hanson Brothers

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: Well the boys are kinda cute, but my choice is a-angels.
   Regis: Are they Charlie's by any chance?

LAUGHTER?

   Alyssa: Not sure.
   Regis: Well you're sure enough to answer correctly, you've won $200, very good!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Now we're going for the $300 question...

   According to the Hollytones, how many times did Christmas come in a year?
   a. 3x
   b. 8x
   c. 2x
   d. 12x

   Alyssa: Well, I have a feeling that there weren't that many Christmasses
for most people, so I'm going to say c. twice.

   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes.



   Regis: And you're right, it's twice, you're at $300!  Excellent!

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Now let's jump right into the $500 question...


   Which of these Jingle animals does not exist...
   a. the Jingle Dogs
   b. the Jingle Mice
   c. the Jingle Cats
   d. the Jingle Babies


   Alyssa: Well I think they're all pretty cute.
   Regis: Is there anything that's not cute around here?

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: I'm not sure about that mysterious David Tanny guy.
   Regis: Well who knows what he looks like?

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: I'll say b.- the mice, but they would sound like Chipmunks if they
did exist.
   Regis: Chipmunks?
   Alyssa: Well, speeded up the eeks and stuff.

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: This is getting silly!
   Alyssa: Well, kinda.
   Regis: And b. is your final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes.




   Regis: You're right, there are no Jingle Meece, you win $500!  Nice!

APPLAUSE!


    Regis: Now, Alyssa, let's tackle the $1,000 question:


    What did the Kinks demand from Father Christmas?
    a. money
    b. peace on Earth
    c. better Christmas Carols
    d. no more Kathy Lee Gifford specials


APPLAUSE!


    Regis: Hey, I didn't make any suggestions, ok, so what are you looking at?

LAUGHTER!


   Alyssa: well, Kathy Lee is rather annoying.
   Regis: Hey, you said it, not me!

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: I'm sure that they must be greedy, so I'll go with a-money!
   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes. Final answer.





   Regis: And it is indeed money, you've now reached the $1,000 plateau! Congratulations!

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Now Alyssa has won at least $1,000, and we're going to see her go for
$2,000 right after we watch this video from The Kinks, then we'll be right back!

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Father Christmas" by The Kinks

When I was small I believed in Santa Clause
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I'd be glad

But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor

They said:
"Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys.
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys

"Don't give my brother a real trashy outfit
 Don't give my sister a cuddly toy
 We don't want a jigsaw or monopoly money
 We only want the real McCoy

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed
 Father Christmas, give us some money
 Don't mess around with those silly toys

"But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one
 He's got lots of mouths to feed
 But if you've got one, I'll have a machine gun
 So I can scare all the kids down the street

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We got no time for your silly toys
 We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
 Give all the toys to the little rich boys

Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We got no time for your silly toys
 We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
 We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We got no time for your silly toys
 We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
 Give all the toys to the little rich boys


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!
 
   Regis: Alright. Now, Alyssa, here comes your $2,000 question!


DIM LIGHTS


    According to Bob Rivers, what is there on the right?
    a. a sleigh
    b. a reindeer
    c. a snowman
    d. a bathroom


    Alyssa: Trick question. d. has nothing to do with Christmas, so I'm going
for d.-a bathroom.
    Regis: Smart?
    Alyssa: And cute too!

AUDIENCE FLIRTS!

    Regis: We know! We know!

LAUGHTER!

    Regis: There's a bathroom on the right. Final answer?
    Alyssa: Yea!




    Regis: And you're right, you've won $2,000!


APPLAUSE!


    Regis: We'll we don't have the video for that Bob Rivers song, but we have
the video for one of their other ones based on a rock and roll song.  Here are
the Bob Rivers Comedy Corp from their "Twisted Christmas" CD, then we'll be back
to see Alyssa go for $4,000 right after this!

APPLAUSE!



=============================================================================

Bob Rivers 
Twisted Christmas
O Come All Ye Grateful Deadheads


O come, all ye Grateful,
Deadheads to the concert.
O come, Grateful Deadheads,
And camp in the street.
Bring rolling papers,
Don't forget your sleeping bags.
O come get us some floor seats,
We've followed them for four weeks,
O come get us some floor seats,
To see the Lord.

O come, all ye hippies,
Throwbacks to the Sixties.
Paint flowers on your van,
And don't wash your feet.
Wear your bell-bottoms,
And your tie-dye t-shirts.
O come let us adore them,
We've quit our day jobs for them,
O come let us adore, them,
Garcia's the Lord.


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

    Regis: Folks, if you have demented lyrics, send them to this address, in fact,
spam him on as many lists as you can. davidtan@cts.com is the one!

LAUGHTER!

    Regis: Now, we're back to Millionaire, and let's see how cute Alyssa can get now.

AUDIENCE FLIRTS!

    Regis: Alyssa, here comes your $4,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS


   According to the Arrogant Worms, what did Santa Claus come to do to you?
   a. give you coal
   b. kick your ass
   c. punish you for life
   d. take back all the toys he gave


   Alyssa: That's mean.
   Regis: Well I didn't say that Santa had to be nice all the time.

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: I guess he got mad enough to kick some ass, so I'll go with b.

   Regis: Sure?
   Alyssa: Yes.

   Regis: Positive?
   Alyssa: Yes.

   Regis: Confident?
   Alyssa: Yes.

   Regis: Dinner?
   Alyssa: No!


LAUGHTER!


   Regis: Close!
   Alyssa: Not that close.

   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes.


   
   Regis: Well you're kicking ass tonight, you've won $4,000!  Outstanding!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: We'll see Alyssa go for $8,000 right after we watch this next video.
Sure Santa Claus can bring you gifts if you've been nice, but what
happens to kids when they've been naughty and Santa arrives?  Here's what
Santa does in this new song by The Arrogant Worms from their 1997 CD
"Christmas Turkey", and here's what happens to the kids who have been nothing
but bad.  The Arrogant Worms!


APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass", by The Arrogant Worms


Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
He's gonna kick your ass,
He's gonna kick your ass,
Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause you've always been a rotten little brat!

The reindeer gone mad, they're gonna bite your ear,
They're gonna chew you up,
They're gonna swallow your kitty cat,
The reindeer gone mad, they're gonna eat your bagonias,
'Cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month!

Santa's comin' in, he's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause he's sick of shoveling show and reindeer poo!

Elves are comin in, gonna steal your turkey,
Wreck your TV,
Burn down your Christmas tree,
Elves are comin in, they're gonna trash your home,
'Cause they ain't got nothin' else to do!

Santa's loaded with attitude,
Loud and drunk and smelly and rude,
His workshop's been closed by an auditor,
and Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor.

Santa's comin' in, he's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause he's had not a really perfect year!



=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

   Regis: Welcome back to Millionaire, and Alyssa is at $4,000 with all three
lifelines still intact!  What a game so far!
   Alyssa: Yes!
   Regis: Alrighty, now here comes the $8,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS


   What was so chic for Nancy White to be at Christmas?
   a. pregnant
   b. rich
   c. married
   d. a folk singer


   Alyssa: Well, all those attributes are nice, but I always wanted a baby.
   Regis: Perhaps someone in the audience can give you one.

AUDIENCE CHEERS!

   Regis: Hey, even the girls are cheering too!

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: We'll I'm flattered by the ladies too.
   Regis: Maybe a few of them have penises.

APPLAUSE!

   Alyssa: I know Tula used to have a penis.
   Regis: Wait a minute, this isn't becoming the Howard Stern Radio Show now.

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: Well I have done it once with a pre-op and it was sweeeeet!

AUDIENCE CHEERS!

   Regis: Can we get back to the question?

LAUGHTER!

   Alyssa: And one of them got me pregnant and we had a baby after Christmas and it
was so chic to be pregnant at Christmas, so I'll go with a.
   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes.




   Regis: You're right!  It is chic to be pregnant!  You won $8,000!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Well guess what, we don't have a video for the Nancy White song either.

AUDIENCE BOOS!

   Regis: Wait a minute, now!  Let's see this video for a computer Christmas
song, and then we'll watch Alyssa go for $16,000!


APPLAUSE!


===========================================================================

"Computer Wonderland" - by D M Goldstein 1983
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Axes swing, are you listenin'?
Gold and jewels, how they glisten.
A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

(Bridge:)
In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants,
or plot our BIORHYTHM for a year;
Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK,
or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.

Later on, we'll play WUMPUS;
Zing those bats when they thump us.
OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time,
playing in Computer Wonderland.

===========================================================================

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Welcome back to Millionaire and with me is Alyssa Spears who has
$8,000 and she still hasn't used a lifeline yet!  And now we're going to see
her go for $16,000 right now with this question...


DIM LIGHTS


   What late comedian appearred with the Bundy family doing a parody of It's a
Wonderful Life?
   a. Chris Farley
   b. Sam Kinison
   c. Lenny Bruce
   d. Redd Foxx



   Alyssa: Well, geez, now I know that Lenny Bruce died decades before the show was
born.
   Regis: So I'm assuming you mean that Fox show?
   Alyssa: Yea. And I don't think that Redd Foxx ever appearred on the show.

   Regis: Do you watch the show?
   Alyssa: I laugh my sides off!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Insert your joke here!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: So what do you think?
   Alyssa: I think I'm the sexiest fox alive!

AUDIENCE FIRTS!

    Regis: No, I mean what is your answer?
    Alyssa: b. Sam Kinison

    Regis: Final answer?
    Alyssa: Yes.



    Regis: And you're right, it is Sam Kinison, you're now at $16,000! Very good!

APPLAUSE!

    Regis: Alyssa will be going for $32,000 right after we watch another video.
In 1989, the TV show Married...With Children had a Christmas episode featuring 
the late Sam Kinison, and it took an interesting twist on the classic
poem, and here he is on stage to recite it...Ed O'Neill as Al Bundy!

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Al Bundy's Christmas Eve", from the TV series "Married...With Children"

 'Twas the night before Christmas,
 And all through the house,
 No food was a-stirrin',
 Not even a mouse.

 Stockings were hung round
 Dad's neck like a tie,
 Along with a note that said,
 "Presents or die."

 Children were plotting
 All night in their beds,
 While the wife's constant whining
 Was splitting his head.

 But daddy had money
 This year in the bank,
 Then they closed up early,
 And now dad's in a tank.

 All of a sudden,
 Santa appeared,
 A sneer on his face,
 Booze in his beard.

 "Santa," I said,
 As he laughed merrily,
 "You do so much for others,
 Do something for me."

 "Bundy," he said,
 "You only sell shoes,
 Your son is a sneak thief,
 Your daughter's a floose."

 "Ho ho," Santa said,
 "Should I mention your wife?
 Her hair's like an A-bomb,
 Her nails like a knife." 

 He climbs up the chimney,
 That fat piece of dung,
 He mooned me two times,
 He stuck out his tongue.

 I heard him exclaim,
 As he broke wind with glee,
 "You're married with children,
 You'll never be free." 

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


  Regis: Well thank you Al Bundy!


APPLAUSE!


  Regis: Now let's see Alyssa go for the $32,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS


   In the Red Peters Christmas song, what did he exclaim?
   a. g--dammit
   b. aw f---
   c. holy s---
   d. s--k my d--k


LAUGHTER!


   Alyssa: This is the most strangest question I have ever been asked.
   Regis: Well I say two of them everytime I work with Kathie Lee!


LAUGHTER!


   Alyssa: I guess I better poll the audience.
   Regis: OK. Fine.  Audience, now Alyssa the cutie pie could use a little help
around here.  On your touchpad is the letters a-b-c-d corresponding to the answers
of this question.  Just select the correct answer and Santa might leave you a
present. Go!

   


      -  -
   -  -  -  -
   -  -  -  -
   -  -  -  -
   -  -  -  -
   -  -  -  -
   -  -  -  -
   a  b  c  d
   

LAUGHTER!


   Regis: Well thanks a lot from the bottom of my heart!


LAUGHTER!


   Regis: Well the audience is total chaos, so all we got is a virtual tie!


LAUGHTER!


   Alyssa: I like the way c. goes, so I'll go with c. holy s---!


LAUGHTER!


   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes.






   Regis: Holy s---! You're right! You've just won $32,000 guaranteed! Congratulations!



APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Here it is, Alyssa, a check with $32,000 with your name on it.  How does it feel
to have this much money!
   Alyssa: Wow!


LAUGHTER

   Regis: Well you must really be happy.
   Alyssa: Yes I am!

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: That's not the end, because after this next video, you're going to
be going for $64,000!  And if you're really bad, Santa just might rather force
you to sing a corny Christmas song.  Here's Red Peters!

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Holy @#$%, It's Christmas", by Red Peters



[sounds of Santa's sled]

Hey man!  Did you hear that?

Hey everybody!  Santa's here!

Awww!  There ain't no Santa Claus!

Yes there is!


[KNOCK! KNOCK!]


He's here!  He's here!


Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey Santa!

Santa: Merry Christmas!

BLEEP Red Peters!

Santa: Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here!  We're gonna sing us a
happy Christmas song!

Oh no, not another corny stupid song!
Yea, no way, man!

Santa: Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little neck!

OK! OK! OK!



BEGIN SONG!

SANTA SINGS!

So grab your nuts, hamsters, gather 'round with me,
Forget about all that teasin',
We're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree,
'Cause, it's that jolly season!

I know you've been naughty, but have you been nice?
That's only Santa's business,
He's making his list and checking it twice,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

HAMSTERS SING!

Santa comes just once a year,
Just like you wet, that's what we hear,
He's got a soft spot for reindeer,
'specially Rudolph's derierre!

SANTA SINGS!

Hey, knock it off fellas, it's a holiday,
Go on, get Santa a big kiss,
You can play hide the hamster on a one-horse sleigh,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!


Santa: Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet?  Anyone seen my lyrics?

Hamsters: Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red!  We know our parts by
heart! Right fellas?

Yea, sure!  I know my parts alright!

Santa: Well, that's great, guys.  I love Christmas songs.


HAMSTERS SING!

Santa tried reaching up a neighbor's blouse,
After drinking all the egg nog, (IS THAT SO?)
Santa's in the bathroom for an hour or two,
Squashing off a Yule log, (IS THAT NECESSARY!)
He's watered his undies all over his house,
But what he did was our business, (OH NO!)
Til' we got our little hamsters a different tune,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

SANTA SINGS!

Santa just comes once a year,
Up the chimney, then he'll disappear,

HAMSTERS SING!

He's gonna look out for Mr. Gear,
And start that little deer in the rear!

SANTA SINGS!
Roast nuts chesting on an open fire,
Santa's tongue stuck to the doorknob,  (what?)
His balls got fondled by a caroling choir,
While the person gave him a hic...  (WHAT?)
The sleigh came down and took him away,
The whole damn crowd was dismissed,

ALL SING!
Cause its time to be jolly at this time of the year,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

Holy BLEEP!

Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Holy BLEEEEEEEEEEEP,
It's CHRISSSSSSTMAAAAASSSS!

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: And you can find that song from the CD "I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My
Undies"!  Welcome back to Millionaire, and we have Alyssa who has won $32,000 with
two lifelines remaining!  You look nervous.
   Alyssa: Well, I haven't seen that much money in my life.
   Regis: Get ready to be more excited, because right now, you're going for
$64,000 right now....


DIM LIGHTS



   In the song Christmas Rapping, what did one of the Waitresses forget to buy
at the grocery store?
   a. a turkey
   b. yams
   c. stuffing
   d. cranberries



   Alyssa: Well I love that song, but....hmmm...

   Regis: Think about the song for a minite or two.

   Alyssa: Oh yea, I do recall a line where they forgot something....soooooo.....I
am going to say d.--cranberries.

   Regis:  Positive?
   Alyssa: I'm pretty sure.

   Regis: At least you're pretty.


AUDIENCE FLIRTS!

   Alyssa: Yea (giggles)
   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa: Yes




   Regis: They did indeed forget cranberries! You've won $64,000! Excellent!



APPLAUSE!



   Regis: And here it is, a check for $64,000 with your name on it, Alyssa!
   Alyssa:  Alright!  Yesss!
   Regis: And we're going to see you go for $125,000 right after we watch this
next Christmas video!

   Regis: In 1996, we lost the lead singer of The Waitresses.  We remember their
many new wave songs such as "I Know What Boys Like" among others.  In 1982,
they recorded this classic Christmas tune. So audience, please
look onto the huge screen to see the video by ... The Waitresses!

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Christmas Rapping", by The Waitresses

BAH, HUMBUG!  Well, that's too strong, 'cause this is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy wreck;  don't think I have the energy.
Spreadin' my already-mad rush just 'cause it's "'tis the season"
The perfect gift for me would be completions in the actions left from
Last year, ski shop, encounter most interesting
Had his number but never the time;  most of anyone'd pass along those lines
So deck those halls and trim those trees, raise up cups of Christmas cheer
I just need to catch my breath;  Christmas by myself this year.

Calendar picture's frozen landscape chills this room for twenty-four days
Evergreens, sparkling snow...get this winter over with!  
Flash back to springtime, saw him again;  would've been good to go for lunch
Couldn't agree when we're both free;  we tried, we said we'd keep in touch
Didn't, of course, 'till summertime;  out to the beach to his boat;  could I
        join him?
No, this time it was me sunburned in the third degree.
Now the calendar's just one page and, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night I set my mind not to do too much about it.

        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        But I think I'll miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        But I think I'll miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        But I think I'll miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        But I think I'll miss this one this year

The A & P has provided me with the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot...oh, damn!  Guess what _I_ forgot?
So on with the boots back out in the snow to the only all-night grocery
When what with my wandering eyes should appear?  No line, it's that guy I've
        been chasing all year!
"Spendin' this one alone," he says, "need a break;  this year's been crazy."
I said, "Me, too, but why are you...you mean YOU forgot cranberries, too?!?"
Then, suddenly, we laughed and laughed;  caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic brought this tale to a very happy ending.

        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        Couldn't miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        Couldn't miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        Couldn't miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, 
        Couldn't miss this one this year....
        (Repeat 'till fade out)


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!  APPLAUSE!  APPLAUSE!


   Regis: Welcome back to Millionaire, and Alyssa is going to shoot for an eighth
of a million dollars!


AUDIENCE WOOOHS!


   Regis: So everybody, Alyssa, get ready, because here comes your $125,000 question...


DIM LIGHTS



   In the Paddy Roberts Christmas Carol, what month is the earliest you'll be singing
White Christmas?
   a. July
   b. June
   c. May
   d. August


   Alyssa: This is hard, so I better call a friend.
   Regis: OK. Who do you want to call?
   Alyssa: My Internet friend, Peter of Columbus.
   Regis: Alright, let's get our long-distance carrier to get him on the phone for you.



RING!  RING!  RING!


   Peter: Hello?
   Regis: Hello, Peter, this is Regis.
   Peter: Allright!!!


LAUGHTER!


   Regis: What are you getting excited for?
   Peter: Did I win a million dollars?


LAUGHTER!


   Regis: No, but if you come on my show, you could.
   Peter: Thanks.
   Regis: But you could help your friend Alyssa win some money.
   Peter: Cool.
   Regis: Now Alyssa needs your help, and the next voice you're going to be
hearing is hers, so the clock starts at 30 seconds, and the time starts now.


   Alyssa: In the Paddy Roberts Christmas Carol, what month is the earliest you'll be singing
White Christmas?
   a. July
   b. June
   c. May
   d. August

   Peter: I guess August is too late for Xmas and May is too early.
   Alyssa: So do you know.
   Peter: Let me flip a coin.

   (pauses)

   Peter: It's heads.
   Alyssa: Which month is it?
   Peter: Lincoln.

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: 10 seconds!
   Alyssa: Help me! Help me!
   Peter: It's one of the months that begin with a J!

BZZZZ!


   Regis: Well I hope that narrows down your choice a bit.
   Alyssa: OK.  I hear a lot of hype about Christmas in July, so I'll go a step
earlier and say June. b.

   Regis: Sure?
   Alyssa: I have a feeling that June is where you'll be seeing Christmas displays
at Macy's in June!

LAUGHTER!

   Regis: Final answer?
   Alyssa:  Yes.





   Regis: Well it's never too early for Christmas, it is June, you've won $125,000!


APPLAUSE!


   Regis: And here Alyssa, my dear, is a check of $125,000 with your name on it!
   Alyssa: I can't belieeeeve it!
   Regis: Well believe it, because coming up after this video, we're going to
see you going for a quarter of a million dollars!

APPLAUSE!


   Regis: This Christmas song is from a British comedian who, in 1962, wrote of
the.."Dark Side" of the holidays.  Seems he was quite the psychic (or is that
psychotic) when he made this lovely carol you're about to hear.  Here's Paddy Roberts.

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Merry Christmas,...You Suckers", by Paddy Roberts

Merry Christmas, you suckers;  you miserable men
That old festive feeling is with you again
You'll be spending your money on cartloads of junk
And, from here 'till New Year, you'll be drunk as a skunk

Merry Christmas, you suckers;  it's perfectly clear
That you fall for it all a bit sooner each year
If it goes on like this, you will find pretty soon
You'll be singing "White Christmas" as early as June

        This Christmas card racket
        Will cost you a packet
        Each season, it seems to expand
        The cards are so clever
        Though nothing whatever
        To do with the subject at hand

You'll be taking the kids 'round the multiple stores
To be frightened to death by some old Santa Claus
Then it's parties with spirits and "vino" and beer...
Merry Christmas, you suckers, and a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, you suckers;  you blurry-eyed lot
You'll never get rid of that headache you've got
But I hope you'll feel splendid;  you certainly should
With your stomach distended with turkey and "pud"

Merry Christmas, you suckers;  jump into your car
Roar off to your neighbors to "sink a few jars"
Though your vision is doubled, just keep smiling through
There are others in trouble a lot worse than you

        Beyond any question
        Acute indigestion
        Will plague you and make you unwell
        You won't take the warning;
        You'll wake up each morning
        Undoubtedly feeling like hell

But, stick to it, suckers;  go swallow a pill
For this is the season of peace and good will
While we patiently wait for that nuclear blast....

Merry Christmas, you suckers;  it may be your last!

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


  Regis: And now, Alyssa, are you ready to go for $250,000?
  Alyssa: Bring it on!
  Regis: Well then, let's take a look at the question...


DIM LIGHTS!


  In the Cheech and Chong song "Santa and His Old Lady", how many times does
the word "man" appear?
  a. 93
  b. 123
  c. 101
  d. 117


  Alyssa: Well!  That's a lot of men in one song!

LAUGHTER!

  Regis: It's not that easy.
  Alyssa: I guess I better use my last lifeline.
  Regis: and that is the 50/50.
  Alyssa: Hope that works.
  Regis: OK, computer, take away two of the wrong answers, leaving us with one
correct and one wrong answer...


  In the Cheech and Chong song "Santa and His Old Lady", how many times does
the word "man" appear?
  a. 93
  c. 101


  Alyssa: Sure that helped, but I'm not going to even try to guess, so I'm stopping.

APPLAUSE!

  Regis: Well, that's ok with me, $125,000 is a great day's pay! Congratulations!

APPLAUSE!

  Alyssa: Thank you.
  Regis: Which answer would you have guessed?

  Alyssa: I would have said 101 because it's the name of the freeway that goes through
Hollywood.

  Regis: Well guess what?  You would have been right.


AUDIENCE AWWWWS!


  Regis: You sure are smart.
  Alyssa: Thanks.
  Regis: And here's your check for $125,000!

REGIS HANDS OVER CHECK AND SHAKES HANDS WITH ALYSSA

   Alyssa: I had a ball here.
   Regis: Thanks for playing.

APPLAUSE!  ALYSSA LEAVES.

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