Ready, now, on with the show!
CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! What the @#$%#@$ is on TV tonight! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Commercial: New Sugar-Fortified Sugar-Coated Super Sugar Cereal! With milk and fruit, you can then have all the nourishment of milk and fruit! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Newsman: This just in. The Taco Bell dog really doesn't talk at all. It's voiced by some guy who used to work at a Del Taco outlet, but was fired when he kept saying "Yo Quiero Taco Bell!" CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Network Announcer: Tune in tomorrow when we find out whether Ashley's computer will not turn into a Commodore 64 and Victor's old 286 doesn't crash down Jack's company in.. The Young and the 2K!" CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Where is that stupid David Tanny Christmas Show on what @#$#$ channel! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! ESPN: In baseball, Tony Gwynn just batted his 3100th hit of the year, but since the baseball season ended three months ago, nobody got to see the milestone. In a related story, the Atlanta Braves just lost again to the New York Mets for the 53rd time in the overextended World Series as they are now trying for 54 out of 107. CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CNN Newsman: In Great Britian, it was discovered that Prince Charles' ears are really clip-on ears, when in fact, our cameramen witnessed him removing the clip-on ears, and discovered that he was indeed a Vulcan! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Commercial: That's right! Only 99,99,99,99 THAT'S 99,99,99,99! Only 99,99,99,99! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Where is that stupid David Tanny Christmas Show on what @#$#$ channel! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Britney Spears Wrestles Christina Aguliera While Ricky Martin and Howard Stern Tag Team Against Enrique Iglesias and Don Imus in Yet Another Ultimate Pay Per View Staged Wrestling Match Designed To Separate You From Your Money! Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! Oh @#$@#$! Where is that blasted Christmas show! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! ANNOUNCER: This is Channel 2,634. Why, because we were assigned that channel number, dummies! ================ BEGIN SHOW! Begin theme music! Announcer Regis: Ladies and Gentlemen...live from New York, it's... WHO WANTS TO BE A DEMENTED MILLIONAIRE! APPLAUSE! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our special Christmas Carol version of Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire. I'm your host Regis Tannybin. We have a lot of money to give away, as well as watching some of the funniest Christmas and Hanukkah videos ever made, so let's get started. We have our ten contestants at their desks all vying to have their turn to be in the hot seat. All they have to do is to answer the question I will ask in the fastest time, and they get to go for the million dollars! So audience, may I please have your silence, because here comes the question. LIGHTS DIM. Put the following lyrics of this Christmas song in order of appearance: a. She'd been drinking too much egg nog b. It's not Christmas without Grandma c. Grandma got run over by a reindeer d. She had hoofprints on her forehead Go! CONTESTANTS VOTE FOR ANSWERS OK. The votes are in. Now, let's see the answers starting with the lyric that goes in the earliest. c. Grandma got run over by a reindeer a. She'd been drinking too much egg nog d. She had hoofprints on her forehead b. It's not Christmas without Grandma That's the correct order, now let's see who correctly answered the question in the fastest time: Billy Wonka: 12.42 Jeff Wendell 6.23 David Tanny 41.56 Alyssa Spears 18.85 Captain Mike 8.55 Alfred Yankovic 27.27 Jill Somers 15.65 Eric Hartman 14.55 Jay Nelson 9.02 Walt Montgomery 7.65 Jeff Wendell was the fastest! Come on down Jeff! APPLAUSE! Regis: Ready to play, Jeff? Jeff: Sure, Regis! Regis: Good. Why don't you all watch the first video of the evening while we get ready for the quiz! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy CHORUS: Grandma got run over by a reindeer Walking home from our house Christmas Eve You can say there's no such thing as Santa But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe She'd been drinking too much egg nog And we begged her not to go But she forgot her medication And she staggered out the door into the snow When we found her Christmas morning At the seen of the attack, She had hoofprints on her forehead And incriminating Claus marks on her back! CHORUS Now, we're all so proud of Grandpa He's been taking it so well See him in there watching football Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Nell It's not Christmas without Grandma All the family's dressed in black And we just can't help but wonder: Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (SEND THEM BACK!) CHORUS Now the goose is on the table And the pudding made of fig (AH!) And the blue and silver candles That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig I warned all my friends and neighbors: "Better watch out for yourselves!" They should NEVER give a license To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves! CHORUS SING IT, GRANDPA! CHORUS MERRY CHRISTMAS! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants To Be a Demented Millionaire the Christmas Carols Edition and I'm now with Jeff Wendell of San Jose, California? Jeff: That's right, Regis. Regis: Please tell us what you do for a living? Jeff: Well I run an antique computer chip museum near Silicon Valley consisting of old motherboards and obsolete processors only the tightwads with 5 inch floppies still use today, Regis: What computer do you use at home, Jeff? Jeff: I use an old Atari 800 interwired with a mainframe so that I can play Star Raiders while tapping into the massive gigabyte powers of the mother computer. AUDIENCE OOOHS! Regis: Well I'm not sure how it's done, but I'll take your word for it. Jeff: Thank you. Regis: Ready to play? Jeff: Yes I am. Regis: Well then, here are the rules of the game. You start out at the $100 level and go up to the $200 level, and so forth up to the first guaranteed level of $1000, then from there the prizes double and double until you get to the second guaranteed level of $32,000, and so on up until you reach the $1,000,000 question. You have three lifelines at your service: the 50/50, which is where we take away two wrong answers; you have the audience poll where you ask the audience to answer the question for you; and finally you can phone a friend on the long-distance telephone we set up. Jeff: Alright! Regis: OK. Let's get started with the $100 question! DIM LIGHTS In the Chipmunk's Christmas Carol, what did Alvin want? a. a harmonica? b. a hula hoop c. a yo yo d. a Hopalong Cassidy gun Jeff: It must be b.--a hula hoop. Regis: And you must be right, Jeff, you get $100! APPLAUSE! Regis: Now, let's take a look at the $200 question: Which of these is not one of Santa's Reindeer? a. Comet b. Blitzen c. Dasher d. Dander Jeff: Wonder if Dander belongs in the bizarro Santa's reindeer herd... LAUGHTER! Jeff: So I'm going to go with d. Regis: A bizarro Santa? Jeff: Yes, where all the reindeer names are given wrong. LAUGHTER! Regis: Hey, I'm in charge of doing the jokes around here! LAUGHTER! Regis: You say d.? I say you're correct for $200! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here we go with the $300 question... What part of Rudolph shined so bright? a. his nose b. his finger c. his tongue d. his penis LAUGHTER! Jeff: I better let the audience insert their own joke here. LAUGHTER-APPLAUSE! Regis: Hey, I better find out who writes these questions! Jeff: Whatever the case, it's a.--his nose. Regis: Well, your case is closed. You have now $300! APPLAUSE! Regis: I hate to see someone make an X-rated video about this. LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, Jeff, now we're going for $500 with this question... Where does Santa Claus live? a. the South Pole b. the North Pole c. the East Pole d. the International Date Line Pole Jeff: Well the East Pole is sort of... Regis: Uh, we better skip the Polish jokes tonight! LAUGHTER! Jeff: OK. I'll take off to the great white North Pole. Regis: Hoser? Jeff: Eh! LAUGHTER! Jeff: You heard of the McKenzie Brothers? Regis: Heck, I drink beer with them everynight! LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, it is indeed b. the North Pole, you now have $500! APPLAUSE! Regis: OK, Jeff, now let's have the $1000 question... What is the name of the first Chipmunks Song? a. A Chipmunk Christmas b. Xmas Time is Near c. The Chipmunk Song d. Santa Don't Be Late Jeff: Well we already had some fun with the Chipmunks earlier, and I know that the first song David Seville put out with three rodents was c. The Chipmunk Song. Regis: Confident? Jeff: Yes, and that's my final answer! Regis: Hey, that's the first time anybody said "final answer?" tonight! APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, guess what, your winnings won't be late, you have just won $1000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Congtratulations, Jeff, you have just reached the first guaranteed plateau on your way to win a million dollars. That $1,000 is yours to keep no matter what happens for the rest of the game. Jeff: Thank you. Regis: Now Jeff, I hope you're ready because right now, coming at you is the $2,000 question. DIM LIGHTS Where does "Weird Al" Yankovic celebrate Christmas? a. In Hollis b. At Ground Zero c. In a Restaurant d. At Lawrence Welk's Village Jeff: It's gotta be "b". Regis: Is that your final answer? Jeff: Yes. Regis: And you're right, it is "b", you now have $2,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Jeff is going to go for $4,000 right after this video of the song, "Chrismas At Ground Zero" by "Weird Al" Yankovic. Don't go away! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Christmas At Ground Zero", by Weird Al Yankovic It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's music in the air The sleigh bells are ringing And the carolers are singing While the air raid sirens blare It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed The radio Just let us know That this is not a test Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin' It's the end of all humanity No more time for last minute shoppin' It's time to face your final destiny It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's panic in the crowd We can dodge debris While we trim the tree Underneath a mushroom cloud (BRIDGE: music with air raid siren in the background) You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop[ Or Jack Frost on your windowsill But if someone's climbing down your chimney You better load your gun and shoot to kill! It's Christmas at Ground Zero And, if the radiation level's OK, I'll go out with you To see all the new Mutations on New Year's Day It's Christmas at Ground Zero Just seconds left to go I'll "duck-and-cover" With my Yule-tide lover Underneath the mistletoe It's Christmas at Ground Zero Now the missiles are on their way What a crazy fluke; We're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday What a crazy fluke; We're gonna get nuked On this jol-ly hol-i-dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (FADE OUT with air raid siren blaring) ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back, now, let's take a shot at the $4,000 question! DIM LIGHTS What does Arnie Aardvark want for Christmas? a. Blowing up the Tow Truck b. A Bunch of Ants c. A Blow Up Doll d. A Barbie Doll Jeff: (laughs). Well I know that Arnie is a guy, so he doesn't want a Barbie doll. Regis: ...unless she's Pamela Anderson Lee? AUDIENCE LAUGHS! Jeff: Well, I know aardvarks like ants, but I guess you're talking about a person. Regis: Unless he can't talk, we'll assume he's a human being. Jeff: So "a" and c". Hmmmm. Regis: Well, you got your three lifelines at your disposal. Jeff: I guess he likes dolls of another sort....sooooooo.... Regis: Yes? Jeff: I'm gonnnnnnna saaaaaaaaay. "c" Regis: Confident? Jeff: Yes. Regis: Final Answer? Jeff: Yes Regis: And he does indeed want a blow-up doll, you're at $4,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Jeff will be going for $8,000 right after we see the video by Arnie Aardvark! ============================================================================= I Want A Blow Up Doll For Christmas (Lyrics corrected by songwriter) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (ARTIST) Arnie Aardvark (ALBUM) None, but some of my songs are available at http://www.mp3.com/knowtalent (LYRICS) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I Want a Blow Up Doll For Christmas" I want a blow up doll for Christmas. I want a girl I can inflate. I saw one like I want in a girlie magazine -- I one that I hide between my matress and box springs. I want a blow up doll for Christmas. Hurry up, Santa, I can't wait! I want a blow up doll for Christmas, 'Cause I know that she'll be the perfect mate. She must be heavy-duty to resist wear and tear. She'll come with a special set of sexy underwear. I'll dress her like a hooker, then dress her for the prom, Then let her air out, fold her up, and hide her from my mom. She won't talk so I won't have to call her on the phone. I won't have to comb her hair because it's printed on. Her lips will be shaped like an "O" and painted ruby red. I'll have to hide her from my friends --she'll be a real airhead. Oh, I want a blow up doll for Christmas. I want a girl with vinyl flesh. She must have a pretty face up above her neck. The rest of her body must be anatomically correct. I want a blow up doll for Christmas. I think I'll call her Judy or Beth. I want a blow up doll for Christmas, 'Cause real girls, they scare me half to death! Eric Brown a.k.a Arnie Aardvark K.N.O.W. Talent Agency Kreations Nobody Oughta Want Charlotte, NC http://www.mp3.com/knowtalent http://home.carolina.rr.com/esbrown ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! Regis: I hope he's happy with his blow-up! LAUGHTER! Regis: Now, let's take a look at the $8,000 question: DIM LIGHTS Which two comedians did the voices for "Santa and His Old Lady?" a. Abbott and Costello b. Cheech and Chong c. Rowan and Martin d. Sanford and Son LAUGHTER! Jeff: Hmm. I know Costello was dead when the song was recorded. Regis: We'll, we're all gonna be dead at this rate if you don't answer the questions faster. LAUGHTER! Jeff: And I know that, hmm, ....... uh..... Regis: Think about the 70's for a minute. Jeff: I used to do some coke in high school and got high. Regis: Well, let's not get carried away with your life on TV! LAUGHTER! Jeff: I just drank it and climed a mountain, silly, what did you think? LAUGHTER! Regis: I wasn't thinking straight...I'm outta control! APPLAUSE! Jeff: I'm going to say Cheech and Chong. Regis: Final Answer? Jeff: Yes. Regis: And it's indeed Cheech and Chong! You win $8,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Very good. Now Jeff will be going for $16,000 right after we hear this classic from the 70's by Cheech and Chong! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Santa Claus and his Old Lady", by Cheech and Chong (CM: Cheech Marin TC: Tommy Chong) CM: (Playing piano) "Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the vecto wit da bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet...and he's going to..." No, no, that's ain't it... "Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's..." Nah. Hey, man, come over here, man. I need some help, man. TC: Yeah, man, I can dig that. Like, what are ya doin', man? CM: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but it's not comin' out... TC: About WHO, man? CM: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man? TC: Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man. CM: WHAT? TC: Yeah, last year at the Philmore, man. Me and the base player sat in, man. CM: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No, it's not a group, man. TC: Wha? They break up, man? CM: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a..a red suit, man, on with black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man. TC: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with that dude, too, man. He's a good singer, man. CM: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man. TC: Well, then he's with Buddha, man. CM: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man! TM: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from Pittsburgh, man. I don't know to many local dudes. CM: Ohhh, I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll tell you da story about Santa Claus, man. Listen: Once upon a time, about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude and has name was Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the projects with his old lady, and they had a pretty good thing together because his old lady was really fine, and she could cook and all that stuff like that, y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man! Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat ONE of 'em, man... TC: Wow, did you know these people, man? CM: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me, y'know...until they got kicked out, man. TC: Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man? CM: Yeah, you what happened, man? They used ta live with all these midgets, y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know, like pounding and hammering and pounding all night, man... TC: Typical freaks, huh? CM: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man. As a matter of fact, they all moved up north together, y'know. TC: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man? CM: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune, y'know. It was called the...uh..."Santa Claus and his Old Lady Commune"; it was a real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit around and groove all the time, y'know. TC: Oh, yeah? CM: Yeah, a really good time there, man. TC: That sounds heavy, man. CM: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea, man...and what they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta goodies, y'know? And they had everything they needed; they only needed to come into town maybe once year or something like that... TC: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right. CM: Yeah, man. No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year, when they made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big chopping bag and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em to all the boys and girls all da way around da world, man! TC: Hey, well, that's hip, man! That sounds real nice, man. CM: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people man. And so much class, man... they had so much class, y'know. Like, give or take da way they used ta deliver da toys, y'know. It's, like, Santa Claus used ta have this really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lower to da ground, had twice- pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Oooo, clean! TC: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man. CM: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile; it was a sled, y'know. One of those big sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some reindeers, y'know, like, reindeers? TC: Some WHAT, man? CM: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled, and then he used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and then call out their names, like, "On, Donner! On, Blitzen! On, Chewy! On, Tavo! C'mon, Becto!" And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky and fly across da sky, man! TC: Wow, man! That's far out, man! CM: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta come down to place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and all those places, y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and then 'ol Santa Claus would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real small guy, and he'd come down da chimney and then he would give you all da stuff that he made, man. And...dig this, man...he did it all in one night, man! TC: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man? CM: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man? TC: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man? Like, how'd he make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he get the reindeer off the ground, man? CM: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man. TC: Some magic dust? CM: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da reindeer, a little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa Claus, a little bit more... TC: And this would get the reindeer off, man? CM: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all da way around da world, man! TC: Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, I come I never met this dude, man? CM: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too dangerous, man. TC: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man! CM: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years ago, man, he got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into another room and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and searched his bag of goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man, he was flying through the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer, y'know. TC: Aw, that's a drag, man. CM: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down south, man, and they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man. And all the time, he was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID, man....just everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man. TC: No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man. CM: Aw, "repression"..."recession"...it's all da same thing, man. TC: Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use a dude like that right now. CM: Oh, he still comes around, man. TC: Oh, yeah? CM: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now... TC: Aw, he went "underground", man. CM: Yeah, "underground", man. TC: I can dig it. CM: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise; nobody would ever know it was him, man. TC: Oh, yeah? CM: Yeah. He's gotta job in front of da department store, ringing this bell and playing this tambourine next to this black pot, y'know? TC: AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN! CM: YEAH! You know who I'm talking about, man! TC: Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man! CM: WHA?!?!? TC: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of bread, man! CM: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man! TC: I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man! CM: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at all, man. TC: No, but I played with THIS dude, man. CM: Are you sure, man? TC: Positive! FADE OUT ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Regis: That was Cheech and Chong telling us the real story about Santa Claus. LAUGHTER! Regis: Now Jeff is going to go for $16,000, so let's take a look at the next question... DIM LIGHTS In the McKenzie Brothers version of "Twelve Days of Christmas", how many of the days of Christmas are the mystery days? a. 5 b. 4 c. 6 d. 3 Jeff: Ah, geez! Hmmmm. Who does this new age music that I keep hearing all the time? LAUGHTER! Regis: Well it isn't John Tesh I'll tell you that! LAUGHTER-APPLAUSE! Jeff: Does Kathy Lee listen to this music by any chance? Regis: I don't know and I don't care! LAUGHTER! Jeff: Welllllllll, I'm not sure, so I guess I'll poll the audience. Regis: Ok. That's fine. Audience? Jeff could use some help right here. Now right on your laptops is a row of buttons labeled "a" to "d". Just pick the correct answer and Santa will be sure to leave you something special in your house. Go. AUDIENCE PICKS CHOICES.... POLL RESULTS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a b c d Regis: Well it looks like about 40% picked three mystery days of Christmas! Jeff: Then I guess I'll go along with "d". Three. Regis: Final answer? Jeff: Yes. Regis: The audience is right! You're right! You're at $16,000! Thank you audience! APPLAUSE! Regis: Jeff will be going for the $32,000 question right after we head all the way to the Great White North, here's Bob and Doug McKenzie from SCTV! APPLAUSE!!! ============================================================================= "The Twelve Days of Christmas" by Bob and Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) (B: Bob D: Doug C: Chorus) B: OK, good day. This is our Christmas part of the album. You can play this at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's nothin' else to do. D: Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part. B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on. OK, so good day. This is the Christmas part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get..um...your true love for Christmas. D: Look out the window! B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin'?!? D: Snow, hosehead! B: Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's Christmastime. Hey, hoser! D: What? B: Here's a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug... D: OK, I have my "thinking took" on. B: Yeah, right. What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause, figure it out, right? Christmas is when? D: Um, the twenty-fifth... B: Right. And, what's the twenty-fourth...Christmas Eve, right? So.. D: That's two B: That's two. And, then what's after that? (pause) Boxing Day D: Wrestling Day B: Wrestl..get out! D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah. B: That's three. Then, what's after that? Nothin'! D: New Year's! B: Four and what's... D: New Year's Eve? B: That's five. Where do ya get twelve? D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there; that's four. So, that's nine. And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days. (Music starts) B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don't know what to get someone for Christmas. D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck! (organ starts) By the way, that's ME on the organ. B: Oh, geez. D: You start... B: OK... On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A beer. D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Two turtle-necks B: And a beer. On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Three French toast D: Two turtle-necks B: And a beer. D: There should be more there, eh? B: Where? Oh, go! D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Four pounds of back-bacon B: Three French toast D: Two turtle-necks B: And a beer. D: ...in a tree. See, you need more. B: Oh..fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Five golden tooks, D: Four pound of back-bacon B: Three French toast D: Two turtle necks B: And a beer...where? D: (with Bob) In a tree. B: OK, on the sixth...oo, go! D: ..Christmas, my true love gave to me, C: Six... D: Six packs of two-four B & C: Five golden tooks C: Four... D: Four pounds of back-bacon C: Three... B: Three French toast C: Two... D: Two turtle-necks C: And a beeeeeeeeer... B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, Seven pack of smokes, C: Nice gift! D: Nice gift. Oh...six packs of two-four B & C: Five golden tooks. C: Four... D: Four pounds of back-bacon C: Three... B: Three French toast C: Two... D: Two turtle-necks C: And a beeeeeeeeer... B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. Keep forgetting. D: Whew! This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas"; it's too hard for us! Go, hoser. B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, may true love gave to me, D: Eight comic books (Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind) B & D: Seven packs of smokes Six pack of two-four B: Five... C: (catches up) Five golden tooks Four pounds of back-bacon Three French toast Two turtle-necks ALL: And a beer... B & D: On my tree. B: Yeah, that beer is empty. OK, day, um... C: TWELVE! B: Twelve! D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve.. (Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in) ALL: Five golden tooks Four pounds of back-bacon, Three French toast Two turtle-necks And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! D: Where'd you learn to do that? B: Um, albums. D: So, like, that's our song. Merry Christmas... B: Merry Christmas! D: And good day! B: Good day! Ha-happy New Year, too. D: Shhh! B: OK, you know what you left out? D: What? B: Donuts! D: Oh, no! B: I told you to get donuts. Either on the ninth day, or the tenth day or the eleventh day, but I want donuts! D: OK, the song's over! Merry Christmas, everybody! B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts... D: So,..go out to the stores and get some presents! B: You could've gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the "Thirteen Days of Christmas"! D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw! B: Take off! (As music fades:) D: Boy, that song was a beauty. It...it moved me. B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven". D: What? ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! Regis: Ahh, the 12 Days of Christmas. Maybe someday I'll figure out a way to give away a million days of Christmas! LAUGHTER! Regis: Jeff is now at $16,000 and he's going to try out for $32,000, so Jeff, you still have two lifelines left to use, but you can still reach a million. So now here comes the $32,000 question! DIM LIGHTS Which of these singers did not record a Hanukkah song? a. Allan Lieberman b. Mel Brooks c. Adam Sandler d. Doc Mo She Jeff: Oh, man. Well I know Adam Sandler is a comedian... Regis: But he does sing on occasion. Jeff: Right. And I'm not sure about Doc Mo She, but I guess he sounds Jewish. Regis: Could be. Jeff: Aaaaaand..... Regis: This game is OUTTA CONTROL! We're going through all the choices in every question! LAUGHTER! Jeff: I know Mel Brooks is Jewish, but I guess heeeeeee records some songs every now and then. Regis: I liked his singing in all those old movies. Jeff: I know he does sing, but I can't recall him singing a Hanukkah song.... Regis: At least not to our attention. LAUGHTER! Jeff: So I guess I'll go with Mel Brooks. Regis: Confident? Jeff: [long pause] Yes. Regis: Do you wish to make that your final answer? Jeff: Yes. Regis: Happy Hanukkah Mel Brooks, you didn't sing a Hanukkah song! Jeff has reached the $32,000 plateau! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! Regis: Congratulations Jeff. Here it is, a $32,000 check with your name on it! You are guaranteed to leave with no less than that amount! APPLAUSE! Jeff: Thank you, Regis. Regis: For the record, Allan Lieberman sang "A Hanukkah Song" and Doc Mo She sang "Hanukkah Homeboy", but Adam Sandler did record, not one, but two versions of his "Chanukkah Song", with the newest version now out on CD "Stan and Judy's Kid." We're going to see Jeff go for $64,000 right after we see Adam Sandler's video about the festive 8-day holiday for Jews worldwide! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "The Hanukkah Song", by Adam Sandler Put on your yarmulke, Here comes Hanukkah, So much Funakkah, To celebrate Hanukkah... Hanukkah is The festival of lights. Instead of one day of presents We have eight crazy nights. So when you feel like the only kid in town Without a Christmas tree, Here's a list of people who are Jewish, Just like you and me. David Lee Roth Lights the menorah So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, And the late Dinah Shor-a Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli? Bowser from Sha-Na-Na and Arthur Fonzerelli. Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too. Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew. You don't need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock 'Cuz you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (Both Jewish). Put on your yamulke, it's time for Hanukkah The owner of the Seattle Supersonicas celebrates Hanukkah. O.J. Simpson. Not a Jew. But guess who is? Hall of Famer Rod Karew. (He converted.) We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby. Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish. Not too Shabby. Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is Well he's not. But guess who is? All Three Stooges. So many Jews are in show-biz. Tom Cruise isn't but I heard his agent is. So tell your friend Veronica To celebrate Hanukkah. I hope I get a harmonica On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah. So drink your gin and tonica And smoke your marijuanica If you really really wannakkah Have a happy happy happy happy Hanukkah. Happy Hanukkah. ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! Regis: Welcome back to Who Wants to Be a Demented Millionaire: The Christmas Carol Edition, and with me in the hot seat is Jeff Wendell of San Jose, California, who has reached the plauteau of $32,000. Now let's see Jeff go for $64,000... DIM LIGHTS In the "Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas", what automobile parts are given as gifts? a. Thunderbird b. Mustang GT c. Pinto d. Torino Jeff: Hmmm. Weren't Starsky and Hutch rednecks by chance? Regis: I guess the Dukes of Hazzard were, but I'm not sure. LAUGHTER! Jeff: Those must all be Ford car models since rednecks drive anything American, Regis: Well they've been known to drive Asian models too. Jeff: I don't think it's a Pinto unless a redneck uses it to blow up mad cows. LAUGHTER! Regis: Well, enough of the exploding Pinto jokes. That's all we need is another comedian around here! LAUGHTER! Jeff: I'll go for the Thunderbird. Regis: Confident? Jeff: No. Let's do the 50/50. Regis: OK. Computer, would you take away two of the wrong answers, leaving us with one right answer and one wrong answer. In the "Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas", what automobile parts are given as gifts? b. Mustang GT d. Torino Regis: Well, that was worth it, do you, Jeff? Jeff: I do vaguely recall that Starsky and Hutch drove a souped-up Torino. Regis: Well what car did the Dukes drive? Jeff: I don't recall, I guess a 69 T-Bird or something... Regis: Well the audience is going to give us the bird if we don't hurry up! LAUGHTER! Jeff: I'll go for "b". the Mustang GT. Regis: Final Answer? Jeff: Final Answer. Regis: And it is indeed the Mustang GT, you win $64,000! APPLAUSE! Regis: Here it is, Jeff, a check of $64,000 with your name on it! Jeff: Sweeeet! Regis: Well, let's take a break before Jeff goes for the $4,000 right after we do to the deep South...No, not Antarctica, not that deep! LAUGHTER! Regis: But here is yet another contribution to the Twelve Days of Christmas line, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy! APPLAUSE!!! ============================================================================= "The Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas", by Jeff Foxworthy Legend: J: Jeff F: Friend (also voiced by Jeff) C: Chorus F: WHOH! Somebody done been to the Wal-Mart! J: No, man. This is just the stuff I got for Christmas. F: You cleaned up! Whatcha get? C: Five flannel shirts... J: Four Piedmont tires Three shotgun shells Two huntin' dogs And some parts to a Mustang GT F: Jeff, I think you got gypped. There's TWELVE days to Christmas! J: I know that. I got it covered. Look over there in the corner. F: That's yours, too?!? J: Yeah,... C: (In background while last two lines were spoken) On the twelve days of Christmas, my true love sent to me: J: Twelve-pack of Bud Eleven rasslin' tickets "Ten" (tin) of "Copenhagen" Nine years probation Eight table dancers Sever packs of "Red Man" Six cans of Spam...(whew) C: Five flannel shirts... J: Four Piedmont tires Three shotgun shells Two huntin' dogs And some parts to a Mustang GT F: Man, them ain't normal Christmas presents. J: Naw, they're "redneck" gifts. F: "Redneck" gifts? J: Yeah, you know. Like if you bought your wife earrings that double as fishing lures. Or if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells" Perhaps if you think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high dive. Or if you've ever misspelled anything in Christmas lights Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus. F: What's wrong with that? J: I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, but it's hard to beat... Twelve-pack of Bud Eleven rasslin' tickets "Ten" of "Copenhagen" Nine years probation Eight table dancers Sever packs of "Red Man" Six cans of Spam...(whew) C: Five flannel shirts... J: Four Piedmont tires Three shotgun shells Two huntin' dogs And some parts to a Mustang GT F: You know, you can't really consider it a Christmas 'less you go down to the penitentiary 't visit to yer mama. J: You're not listening to me...get the car key out of your ear. That's where the "nine months probation" comes in. I'm gonna do it for ya again; now listen: Twelve-pack of Bud Eleven rasslin' tickets "Ten" of "Copenhagen" Nine years probation Eight table dancers Sever packs of "Red Man" Six cans of Spam... C: Five flannel shirts... J: Four Piedmont tires Three shotgun shells Two huntin' dogs And some parts to a Mustang GT Are you cryin'? F: (snif) No, it's just my allergies. J: Happy Holidays, everybody. ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! Regis: Thank you Jeff! Thanks for the gift you sent me last year. Cheez-Wiz. It works great for fixing leaking plumbing pipes as well as a snack. LAUGHTER! Regis: I recycled that joke from that stupid Tanny Christmas Special from two years ago and it still got a laugh. You must have missed that special. APPLAUSE! Regis: Well, now Jeff is goung to go for the $125,000 level, he is four questions away from the $1,000,000 level, and Jeff, let me ask you, how did you get interested in Demented Christmas Carols? Jeff: Well, one day, someone lent me a tape of stuff he taped off the radio, and I came to one song that sounded sped-up and I tried to slow it down, but when I did, they didn't sound so cute anymore. LAUGHTER! Regis: You must have discovered The Chipmunks. Jeff: Yes I did. Regis: And do you collect funny records? Jeff: I have all three Bob Rivers Christmas Comedy CDs, and two from Dr. Demento. Regis: I was wondering if Dr. Demento was dead or something since I haven't been hearing his show since 1995. Jeff: He's still around I guess, but with radio mergers, all the innovative music has dulled me to sleep with its retreads of pop songs I already heard 27 times. Regis: Ready to play? Jeff: Yes. Regis: Now, here comes the $125,000 question! DIM LIGHTS Which rock and roll group released a Christmas record a year through their fan club for members only? a. the Rolling Stones b. the Beatles c. the Who d. the Animals Jeff: Ah, yee. I just don't know. Regis: Well, you have one lifeline left calling a friend. Jeff: OK. Regis. I'd like to call a friend. Regis: Who would you like to call? Jeff: I like to call William Nelson from Las Vegas. Regis: OK. Let's get our friends at XYZ to hook him up. RING! William: Hello? Regis: Hello William. This is Regis. William: No, Regis is not here. LAUGHTER! William: Who is this? Regis: I am Regis and Jeff is here. William: No he's not here. Where is he? LAUGHTER! Regis: Not your here, my here! William: Oh. Regis: Now William, you can't see us on TV. William: I'm seeing colors and bright lights now. Regis: Having a trip? LAUGHTER! William: A what? Regis: Nevermind. The reason I'm calling is that Jeff needs some help to win that money and he wants your help. William: Does he need some Peruvian hash? LAUGHTER! Regis: I'm sure he doesn't. Now the next voice you'll hear is Jeff. You have 30 seconds to answer the question. The time starts now. Jeff: William-- Which rock and roll group released a Christmas record a year through their fan club for members only? a. the Rolling Stones b. the Beatles c. the Who d. the Animals William: Who's stoning the animals? Jeff: No! William: Are the Beatles stoned? Jeff: No, these are the choices. 10 seconds! William: I need some seconds on my quaalude! Jeff: Who released a Christmas record? William: Not me. BUZZZZ! Regis: Well, tough luck, Jeff. I guess William was somewhere in space. Jeff: I guess he's an astronaut or something. LAUGHTER! Jeff: Well, I guess that's the end of the line for me. I'm quitting. Regis: Final answer? Jeff: Yes. Regis: OK. You will be taking home $64,000 and just for the heck of it, just guess what the answer is. Jeff: I don't know, but I love the Stones, so I'll select a. Regis: Final guess? Jeff: Yes. Regis: You would have been wrong. It's b.--The Beatles. Jeff: Yay! APPLAUSE! Regis: But you do take home a check for $64,000 in a job well done, congratulations. REGIS HANDS OVER CHECK AND SHAKES HANDS WITH JEFF Jeff: I had a lot of fun here. Regis: Thanks for playing. APPLAUSE! JEFF LEAVES. Regis: Well, I guess he got beat-le-n by the Beatles. GROAN!