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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

D.T.'s Stupid Xmas Special '97 Part 4

A D.T. Stupid Christmas Special!



APPLAUSE!

Tony: OK, let's give this back to Stupido.

Stupido: Thanks Tony.  David?

D.T.: OK, over to you, Tony.

Tony: Hey, wait a minute!

LAUGHTER!

Tony: While the judges are deciding, let's hear this classic telling of a
Christmas tale. As some of you may know, "Dragnet" was a big ratings-
getting in the late-70's, with Jack Webb as the ever-talkative Joe Friday.
Well, what most people DON'T know is that "Dragnet" made a light-hearted 
Christmas episode for its first season.  The reason why folks don't know this
is because it never aired;  they changed their minds at the last second.  Ah, 
but we here have purloined the soundtrack to the episode, and the
response each year to play it is gi-mongous!  So, without further adieu, we
present "Christmas Dragnet"...

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"Christmas Dragnet" by Stan Freberg and Daws Butler

DUM-DA-DUM-DUM!  DUM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUUMMM!

Narrator: The story you are about to see is true.  Only the names have been
          changed to protect the innocent.  For example, "Kris Kringle" is 
          now "Santa Claus".

Joe: This is the city:  Los Angeles, California.  The city sidewalks were busy
     sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, and, in the air, there was a feeling
     of Christmas. There was no snow to crunch, but the kids were definitely
     bunching.  They were watching out, not crying of pouting.  They knew why.
     The last thing on anybody's mind was being picked up on a 4096325-096704,
     "Not Believing in Santa Claus".  That's where I come in.  I'm a 
     policeman.  I wear a badge.

DUM-DA-DUUUUUMMM--DUM-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM!  DUM-DA-DUUUUUMMM--DUM-DA-DUM-DA-
DUMMMMMM! (etc.)

     It was Wednesday, December the twenty-fourth, Christmas Eve, 4:35pm.  I 
     was working the Holiday watch out of Homicide with my partner.  'Twas the
     night before Christmas and, all through the house, the only things
     stirring were me at my paperwork, my partner at his typewriter, the
     chief arguing about working on a holiday...and a mouse.  The chief is
     Captain Kellogg.  My partner is Frank Jones.       My name's Friday.
Frank: Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?
Joe: Yeah, just before I come down.  You, too, Frank?
Frank: Always do.  Hung it up early in case I have to work late tonight. 
       Wouldn't want to miss out when Santa Claus comes, y'know.
Joe: No, sure wouldn't.  Be a shame.
Frank: What'cha gonna do tomorrow, Joe?  What'cha gonna do on Christmas?
       Got any plans?
Joe: Nothing much.
Frank: Why don't you stop by the house, Joe?  We're gonna have Christmas 
       dinner.  Y'know, all the trimmings.
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: Turkey, celery stiffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts...
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: All the trimmings.  Cranberry sauce...love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: The misuses always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot 
       sticks.  Y'know, olives, pickles, scallions...most folks call 'em 
       "green onions" , but they're really scallions.  Have you ever noticed 
       that, Joe?
Joe: Ever noticed what, Frank?
Frank: How most folks call 'em "Green onions", but they're really scallions.
Joe: Um-hum.  Scallions.
Frank: Any time after two, Joe.  Love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.  Well, I'll see.
Frank: Love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.  Well, I'll see.
Frank: The misuses always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks.  
       Y'know, them little carrot sticks?
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: Olives, pickles, scallions...
Joe: Um-hum.  Let's not go through that again.
Frank: Love ta have ya.  Go through what again, Joe?
Joe: How most folks call 'em "Green onions", but they're really scallions.
Frank: Oh,...you noticed that, too, huh, Joe?
(Phone rings)
Joe: (answering) Homicide, Friday.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.
     Um-hum.  Umm-humm. (hangs up)
Frank: What's the matter, Joe?  What's the MATTER, Joe?!?
Joe: They're bringing a guy in on a 4096325-096704!
Frank: (shocked) You-you mean...
Joe: Yeah,...guy don't believe in scallions...I mean, Santa Claus

DUM-DA-DUM!  DUM-DA-DUM!  DUM-DA-DUMMMMMMMMM!

Joe: (narrating) 6:29pm.  We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa
     Claus...a guy named "Grudge". (in story) Says here your name's "Grudge",
     is that right?
Grudge: Yeah!
Joe: Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?
Frank: It's hard to believe what you said!  Did you really say that?
Grudge: Sure I said it!  How do you know there's a Santy Claus?  You gotta
        picture of 'em?
Joe: No, no mugshot.
Grudge: Any fingerprints?
Joe: No, no leaving prints.  I just know, that's all.  It's like saying there
     isn't an Easter Bunny.
Grudge: That's ANOTHER guy there ain't no of!
Joe: Um-hum.  Watch your story, Mister!
Frank: Joe, he just said that to make me fell bad, didn't he?  There really
       IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there?  Joe?
Joe: Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you three years ago on a "1492", for not 
     believing in Columbus?
Grudge: Yeah!  I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either!
Joe: How about Toledo?
Grudge: I...I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.
Joe: OK, Mister, I get the picture now.  You don't believe in nothin', do ya?
Grudge: Nuttin'.  And do you wanna know somethin' else?
Joe: What's that?
Grudge: I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna walk right out of this room.  'Cause
        you guys ain't got nothin' on me.  They ain't no law against not
        believing in Santy Claus!
Joe: There is in my book!  Let me tell you something, Mister, I'm gonna PROVE
     there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night!
Grudge: Heh-heh!  Pretty funny!  The police department's got nuttin' else to
        do!
Joe: Let me straighten you out, buddy;  this one's on Frank and me!  Right,
     Frank?  Right, Frank?!?
Frank: There really IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?  Y'know, "hippity-
       hopping down the bunny trail"?!?

DUMMMM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) I took Grudge over to the helicopter, got in, flew around 
     the city for hours...

DA-DUMM

     I showed him department stores...(in story) What's hurrying in and out
     of those department stores, Grudge?
Grudge: Happy people!  But _I_ ain't impressed!

DA-DUMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) I showed him stockings...(in story) How are those stockings
     hung, Grudge?
Grudge: By the chimney, with care, but _I_ didn't hang none up!!!

DA-DA-DUMMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) I showed him children, nestled, all snug in their beds...
     (in story) What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?!?
Grudge: (sarcastically) Visions of sugar plums!  But you ain't sellin' me!
        THERE AIN'T NO SANTY CLAUS!!!

DA-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) He still didn't believe!  There was only one thing left to
     do.  My job:  get to the North Pole.

DADA-DUMMMMM

     11:45pm.  We arrive at the North Pole.  I set the plane down and we 
     walked over to Santa's Workshop and rang the bell...

(Doorbell:  DIIIIING-DA-DING-DING.  Door opens)
Joe: (in story) Pardon me, sir.  Can I ask you a few questions?
Brownie: Why, shore.  Just tickle me 't de-yath.
Joe: What do you do for a living?
Brownie: I'm a brownie.
Joe: What are you doing at the North Pole with a _southern_ accent?
Brownie: Well, the bo-us sorta ran shore-et on hey-lp this ye-ah, so had 't
         ree-cruit a few of us brownies from the Sow-uth Po-el.
Joe: Um hum.  That figures.
Grudge: Heh-heh!  Whatta waste of time!
Joe: Could we talk to your boss, please?
Brownie: Oh, he's ow-et.  You WOULD come on the one night he's ow-et in the
         whole ye-ah!
Joe: Um hum.  What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?
Brownie: My bo-us has eight tiny reinde-ya.  My job: feed 'em.
Joe: Hmm, yes, sir, what do you feed them?
Brownie: Well, most times, I fix up a little plate o' relish, olive, pickles
         and carrot sticks.  You knew them li'l 'ol carrot sticks?
Joe: Um hum.
Brownie: And scallions. (Joe chimes in with the next sentence) Most folks
         call 'em "green onions", but they're really scallions. (To Joe)
         How'd you know?!?
Joe: Just a stab in the dark.

DUM-DA-DUMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) The little man showed us through the workshop...
Brownie: My bo-us'll be back for his second load purty soon.  Say, would
         y'all like 't hear an inerestin' story?
Joe: Yes, sir.
Brownie: Well, you see that HUGE pile of presents for the-ya?
Joe: Um hum.
Grudge: Man!  LOOK at all that stuff!
Brownie: Would you believe it;  they're all for the same ma-yan.  Been pilin'
         up he-ya ye-ah afta ye-ah.
Joe: Why didn't the guy after get 'em?
Grudge: Yeah, why?
Brownie: 'Cause he didn't believe in my bo-us.  You know the ru-els.
Joe: Um hum.  We know.
Grudge: I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this...this guy can
        still...
Brownie: Get the presents?  Oh, shore.  He gets 'em all, the MINUTE he
         believes!  But I don't suppose he ev-a wi-ell.
Joe: Too bad about that guy.  What's his name?
Grudge: Don't say it.  I don't wanna hear it!
Joe: Come on, Mr. Brownie, what's his name?
Brownie: His name?  "Grudge".

DUM-DA-DA-DA-DA-DUMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) The brownie saw us to the door and wished us a Merry
     Christmas.  We were headed back to the plane.       Then it happened...
Grudge: Hey!
Joe: (in story) Yeah, Grudge?
Grudge: You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?
Joe: Who's that?
Grudge: S-s-s-santy Claus?
Joe: Yes, sir?
Grudge: Do you think I'm too old to change my mind?
Joe: You're NEVER too old, Mr. Grudge.
Grudge: Well, then, I...I...I BELIEVE IN SANTY CLAUS!  AND Columbus!
Joe: How about Cleveland, Cincinnati and the Easter Bunny?
Grudge: Yeah!  Them, too!
Joe: And Toledo?
Grudge: I...I _still_ ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!
(sleigh bells above)
Joe: Look, Grudge, up in the sky.  He's coming back for his second load.
Grudge: IT'S SANTY CLAUS!  IT'S SANTY CLAUS!!!!!
Joe: There's the only guy I know who can make every body happy in one night!
Grudge: Yeah!  He must have the biggest heart in the whole world!
Joe: That's about the size of it!

DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM!  DUM-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMM!  (etc.)

Narrator: The story you have just seen is real.  Only the names have been
          changed to protect the innocent.

          Upon arrival back in Los Angeles, Grudge went home immediately and
          hung his stocking up.  In the morning, he received all of his
          back-log of presents.  He thanked Sergeant Friday and vowed to
          keep the Christmas spirit in his heart forevermore.

          The brownie was returned to the South Pole on December the twenty-
          sixth, but was asked to return the following August the fifteenth 
          due to a Pole-wide brownie strike.

          Detective Frank Jones was convinced, after a lot of talking, that
          there WAS an Easter Bunny.  He was returned home to his wife, who
          revived him with green onions...or were they scallions?

          "Not Believing in Santa Claus" is punishable by a term of no less
          than five nor more than fifty years of not receiving presents.

..DUM-DA-DUMMMMMMMM!  DUMMM-DAAA-DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!


==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

Tony: Dang, what a classic that was!  Now this new one by Jeff Foxworthy!

APPLAUSE!!!

=============================================================================
"The Night After Christmas" by Jeff Foxworthy


           Twas the night after Christmas and all thru the trailer
              The beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
                The tube socks hung empty, no candy or toys,
                  And I was camped out in my old Lazy-Boy.
              The kids, they weren't talking to me or my wife,
          The worst Christmas they said they had had in their life.
              Well my wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
                So I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
               When out in the yard the dog's starting barking
               I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
               He yelled "Roy, I am sworn to uphold the laws,
           "And I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
                  "Claus? I don't know nobody named Claus."
            "And you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
         Then the Sheriff he said "The man was shot at last night."
         I said "Well, that might of been me, what's he look like?"
         "Well, he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
           "That shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
             "He sports a long beard and a nose like a cherry."
         I said "Sheriff, that sounds like my wife's sister Sherry."
             "It's no time for jokes Roy," the Sheriff he said,
               "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
            "I'm here for the truth now; it's time to come clean.
          "Tell me what you've done and tell me what you've seen."
            Well I started to lie then I thought "What the hell,
           "Wouldn't be the first time I spent new years in jail."
             I said "Sheriff, it happened last night about ten,
            "And I thought that my wife had been drinking again.
          "When she walked in from work, she was white as a ghost.
              "I thought 'maybe she's seen one of them UFO's.'
           "But she said a bunch of deer just flown over her head
             "And stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.
           "Well I ran out to look, and the sight made me shudder,
         "A freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
             "Well, my hand were a shaking as I grabbed my gun,
              "When out of Red's chimney, this feller did run.
                "And slung on his back was a bag overflowing,
     "I thought 'he's stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling.'
            "So I yelled 'Drop it fat boy, hands up in the air!'
           "But he went about his business, like he hadn't a care.
                 "So I popped a warning shot over his head,
            "Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
                  "And as he flew off, I heard him extort:
          "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see you in court!"
 
Sheriff, I'll tell you this, you put a subpoena on me and I ain't
gonna show up.  I ain't gonna show up, I'll hole up in the cellar and
you'll never root me out of there.  So why don't say we just forget
all this.  Look, we've known each other a long time.  You just turn
the car off, come in, we'll watch wrestling, eat some Easter bunny
stew, talk about how to catch that tooth fairy.

==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

Ed: Uh, Tony!

Tony: What is it Ed?

Ed: We have a new toteboard for the number of bits wasted on this lame
Christmas special.

Tony: OK, gimme a tippany!

BOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMABOOMA...

Toteboard total: 816,434!

Tony: Yea! We wasted over the 800,000 mark!

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: Thanks Ed and Tony, now on to Dick Clark for his coverage of his
Rockin' Christmas Eve in Times Square, New York.  Come in, Dick!

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

Dick Clark LIVE: OK, it's a breezy 27 degrees, and all through Times Square,
not a creature was stirring, but 400,000 was!  It's about 15 minutes until
Christmas Day and everybody is having a wild party down there!

CHEERS!!!  CHEERS!!!  CHEERS!!!

Dick: As soon as that star of David makes its way down from the top of the pole
onto the bottom of the pole, a light will flash indicating that Christmas Day
has indeed arrived!

CHEERS!!!  CHEERS!!!  CHEERS!!!

Dick: We'll come back very soon for the countdown, right now, we take you back
all the way to the Imaginary studios of David Tanny for his Stupid Christmas
Special!

==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


D.T.: Well get back to Dick Clark later on his coverage of his Rockin'
Christmas Eve!  Tony?

Tony: Thanks, Dave.  Now let's go to the judges for this lame battle of the
cuties contest to see who wins.  First, let's meet celebrity number one,
Kevin Costner!

APPLAUSE!

Tony: Well, Kevin, we're all looking forward to seeing your movie "The
Postman" Dec 25.

Kevin: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: Who did you vote for?

Kevin: I voted for Mariah!

APPLAUSE!

Tony: Well, we have Mariah with one point, now we go to celebrity number
two, the queen of drag, RuPaul!

APPLAUSE! WOLF WHISTLING!

RuPaul: How are you doing, honey? (Kisses Tony)

Tony: Wel-l-l-l. (blushing!)

AWWWWWW!!!!

Tony: I love your Christmas Album "Ho Ho Ho"

RuPaul: Well, thank you, Tony, I had to work for my money to drag this thing
out into the stores.

LAUGHTER!

Tony: Well, Ru, who did you vote for?

RuPaul: I always thought Mariah was too overrated as both a singer and an
actress, so I voted for my girlfriend, Valerie!

APPLAUSE!

Tony: Alright, we have a tie!  Now let's go to celebrity number three,
The Famous Chicken!

APPLAUSE!

TFC: Thanks, Tony.  I'm not going to ... CLUCK around here...

LAUGHTER!

TFC: ...so I voted for Valerie because she looks cute in feathers as well.

APPPLAUSE!

Tony: Val leads Mariah 2-1, now we have celebrity number four, Ellen
DeGeneres!

APPLAUSE! (with loud cheers from the lesbian crowd!)

Ellen: Well, I'm glad I came out...

APPLAUSE!

Ellen: ...to D.T.'s studio.

Tony: Guess we're all having a gay old time here!

Ellen: You gay too, Tony?

OOOOOHHH!!

Tony: Yup, I'm always gay, except when I'm depressed.

LAUGHTER!

Tony: Well, which girl is your favorite, Ellen?

Ellen: Well, I adore both girls immensely, but I have to vote for Mariah.

APPLAUSE!

OK, the score is tied at 2!  Now we go to the deciding final vote, celebrity
number five...


EDDIE VAN HALEN?!?!?!?


APPLAUSE!!!

Tony: Aw my God?  You decided to show up?

Eddie: Yup. And I have a vote to share with you.

Valerie: You better vote for me, honey, or I'm leaving you for Elton John.

LAUGHTER!

Tony: Uh, Elton is gay, Valerie.

Valerie: So what?  Gays are OK, ok?

APPLAUSE!

Everybody sings out...

"We are gay, and It's OK!
'cuz gay means happy and happy means gay,
We're not sad anymore,
'cuz we're out the closet door,
It is O. K. to be gay."

APPLAUSE!

Tony: I guess we all came out and stole a South Park song, didn't we?

LAUGHTER!

Cartman: Tony, can I sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid B---- in D Miner?

Tony: No, Cartman, this is a family show.

Cartman: Well, @#$@#$ you Tony!

LAUGHTER!

Stan: Hey, knock it off, fellas!

Kyle: Yea, fat ass!

Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm horizontally enhanced.

Kyle: No, David Tanny is horizontally enhanced. You have a big fat ass!

LAUGHTER!

Cartman: Well, sc--- you too!

Stan: Whoa, dudes!

Kenny: shmmmk tmm fmmmk mmmp!

Kyle: That's telling them, Kenny.

Stan: What are you doing here, Kyle?  You're Jewish.

Kyle: So?

Stan: Jewish people can't be in Christmas specials.

Kyle: Who says?

Stan: Let's ask Fonzie.

Fonzie: Let him stay.  I'm Jewish too, and so is half the people here
anyway.

APPLAUSE!

Kyle: Right on, dude!

D.T.: Can we get to what Eddie Van Halen voted for in the battle of
the cuties?

Mariah: Eddie, just vote for who is simply better, darling.

AUDIENCE WOLF WHISTLES!

Tony: Well, the pressure is on you, Eddie.

Eddie: Uh, mm, here is the envelope, Tony.

D.T.: May I have the envelope please, Tony.

[TONY HANDS D.T. THE ENVELOPE]

D.T.: And the winner is...


ANNOUNCER: WELL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS SONG FROM KIP ADDOTTA!

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus", by Kip Addotta

I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
        He didn't see me creep
        Down the stairs to have a peep
        He thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
        There must be some mistake
        Was I really awake?
        I rubbed my eyes and moved in close, a better look to take'

Then I saw Daddy hugging Santa Claus
He took his hand and moved him to the couch
        It must have been just fine
        Santa didn't seem to mind
        Then Daddy moved across the room to pour them both some wine

Then I saw Daddy fondle Santa Claus
And on his ear he nibbled now and then 
        I crawled across the floor
        I hid behind the door
        I left it open just a crack so I can watch some more

Then I saw Daddy undress Santa Claus
They quickly threw their clothes on our big chair
        Well, much to my surprise
        I couldn't believe my eyes
        It wasn't Santa after all but Mommy in disguise!

When I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If I had REALLY seen
Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night!


==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

Tony: AND THE CUTIE EDDIE VAN HALEN VOTED FOR IS...


PAMELA ANDERSON LEE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


APPLAUSE!


Mariah and Valerie: WHAT?!?!?

Eddie: All I was asked to vote for who is cuter, and Pamela is cuter than both
of you, though I still love my wife.

Valerie: Oh, shut up, Eddie.

Mariah: Some voter you are.  You can't even keep a lead singer in your band!

LAUGHTER!

Eddie: Hey wait a minute!

Tony: Well, maybe I was too vague.

D.T.: This contest is futile.  Let's end this contest!

Stupido: No way, man!  Let's fight.

FIGHT BREAKS OUT ON STAGE!

Valerie to Mariah: Take that! POW! And that! POW!

Chicken to Stupido: I'm gonna vise your head with my beak!

Stupido: OWWW!!!

Cartman to Eddie: Take that!  Respect the law!  POW!  POW!

FIGHTING!!!

FIGHTING!!!

FIGHTING!!!

Tony: Here's a tree for you, D.T.!

[D.T. DUCKS, THE TOP OF THE STAR FALLS OFF UPON IMPACT ON THE WALL, THEN
BOUNCING OFF TOWARDS KENNY.  THE STAR IMPACTS KENNY'S SKULL AND HE DIES.]

Stan: Oh my God!  They killed Kenny!  YOU B@#TARD!!!

FIGHTING!

FIGHTING!

Kyle: Dude...this is pretty f---ed up, here!

FIGHTING!

FIGHTING!

Announcer: WHILE THIS FIGHTING GOES ON, LET'S LISTEN TO ANOTHER XMAS RECORD
BY EDDIE LAWRENCE!

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"A Merry Old Philosopher" by Eddie Lawrence

Hello, there, little ones.
You say your old man dressed up as Santa Claus and can't get his belly 
        through the fireplace?
And you hang up a purple bulb on the tree and three thousand volts go 
        through ya?
And your brother made an animal cage out of your Erector set, and Grandma
        can't get out?
And someone opened a window while you're sortin' stamps and all your triangles
        are flying around the house?
And one of your gifts, a strange little shiny box, suddenly takes off and is
        now circling the earth at twelve-hundred miles-an-hour?

Is that what's troublin' you, tiny tots?!?

WELL, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN LOW AND TAKE A RUN IN THE SNOW, WITH THAT DEVIL-MAY-
CARE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!  FOR THE WHOLE WORLD'S SINGING A HAPPY SONG AS
MERRILY YOU ROLL ALONG!  YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE 
UP...

..THAT SLED!!!

Hey, there, moppets.
You say your mischievous cousin Wilbur gave ya "Moosehead" with the moose
        still in it?
And you ate so many candy sticks, your nose is green with red and white 
        nostrils on it?
And you just can't seem to piece together your life-size "assemble-it-
        yourself" ranch house?
And you just got a pine needle right up your cuticle?  (OW!)
And Aunt Bertie ain't come home from Macy's yet, and it's been eight days now?
And your daddy chopped down a pine tree in the forest and brings it in and a
        big gray eagle flies out and won't leave the bedroom?

Is that what's perturbing you, moppets?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A FLOP ON THE ICE, WITH THAT MELODY
RINGING IN YOUR HEAD AND A "HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE" IN YOUR HEART!  YOU'LL NEVER 
GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...

..THOSE SKATES!

Hey, there, boobies.
You say that smolderin'' Yule log is so wet and sticky, everyone's gasping
        for breath while trying to look merry?
And...and your Uncle Harold came in as a big jolly bear, and your father shot
        him?
And your little doggie swallowed some of them jingle bells and is driving the
        whole house crazy?
And...and you went sleigh riding in a big blizzard and you can't find your
        way home and, while you're wanderin' in a field, you get picked up by
        a big snow shovel and dumped into a truck headed for an ice cold 
        river?
And your little toy grocery store went out of business?

Is that what's on your minds, boobies?!?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A WALK IN THE SLUSH WITH THAT DIGNITY
AND STICK-TO-IT-NESS, THAT YOU'LL SHOW MARS, YOU'LL SHOW PLUTO!  YOU'LL SHOW
'EM WHERE TO GET OFF!  YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...

..that old Christmas spirit...no matter WHO broke your new bicycle!  This is
the old philosopher saying, "Merry Christmas, cousins, and a hefty-doodlely-
de!"
COME ON, THUNDER!  COME ON, BLITZEN!  AND A HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE!  SANTA WANTS
YOU TO KEEP MOVING!!!

==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


Tony: That was Eddie Lawrence with the "Merry 'Ol Philosopher", some words of
wisdom for the holiday season. 

D.T.: Hey Tony! The cutie contest has been settled.

Tony: Really, who won?

D.T.: We took a straw vote and the cutest woman is...



ELLEN DEGENERES!


APPLAUSE!


D.T.: That settles it.

Scott: I guess were all lesbians on this Christmas special.

APPPLAUSE!

Tony: I see Eddie and Valerie making up.

D.T.: Uh, that's Valerie and Eddie.  They kind of look alike, do they?

LAUGHTER!

Tony: Yea, whatever.

Yasmine Bleeth entering: I thought I was the cutest fox alive!

APPLAUSE! WOLF WHISTLES!

D.T.: Hey everybody, it's the cutest babe in the world Yasmine Bleeth!

APPLAUSE! WOLF WHISTLES!

Mariah and Valerie:  WELL DAVID!!!  I NEVER!!!!

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: Besides, Valerie, you haven't acted this year and Mariah, your remake
of some slow ballad song stinks up the high heavens!  Therefore, Yasmine is
the cutest!

APPLAUSE!

Yasmine: Thanks David (kisses him).

AUDIENCE WOOOS!

D.T. in a Goofy impersation: Gawsh!

LAUGHTER!

Alyssa Milano entering: Hey D.T.!  I thought you said I was the one who...CHARMED
you the most!

APPLAUSE!

D.T. embarrassed in red:  Uhhh, mmmm, you are charmingly cute...

Yasmine: Cuter than Alyssa?!?!?!?

LAUGHTER!

D.T. in a Ralph Kramden impression: I'm-in-a-i'm-in-a-i'm-in-a-i'm-in-a-i'm-in-a-...

LAUGHTER!

Scott: Well, let's settle this battle with another Battle of the Cuties contest!

D.T.:  AACK!  FORGET IT!

APPLAUSE!

Stupido: Well, poor Mariah.  At least she looks good, though her songs stink.

Scott: Hey, enough already!  Let's go back to Times Sqaure for Dick Clark's
Rockin' Christmas Eve countdown!

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

Dick: Well, we're just under two minutes away from Christmas Day, and the
audience seems to have swelled to almost a million in Times Square!
It's cold, about 23 degrees, but the heat generated from the crowd puts the
temperature back to 27 degrees again. 

CHEERS! (continuing in background noise)

Dick: Now, it's 11:59!  The star of David is descending!  Christmas is almost
here!

CHEERS!

Dick: This is it!  Santa Claus is coming to town!  The kids are in bed! The
crowd is loud!  The bells are beginning to ring!  It's T-30 seconds until
Christmas!

CHEERS!

Dick: It's the most wonderful time of the year!  T-20 seconds!

CHEERS!

Dick: Halluejah!  Amen, brother!  Jesus is almost a year older!

T-10 seconds...

9...

8...

7...

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIREWORKS FIRING OFF!

BLAM!

CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BOOM!

KAPOW!

CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BAM!!!!

Dick: It's Christmas Day everybody!

BLAM!

BOOM!

CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KAPOW!

BAM!!!!

CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dick: Whew!  Now they're all singing inspirational Christmas Songs!
Jesus is the reason for the season!

CHEERS!

Dick: Let's all sing along with Mariah Carey to her rendition of 
"Joy To The World!"

CHEERS!

==============================================================================

"Joy To The World", by Mariah Carey

Joy to the world
The Lord has come
Let earth receive her King
Let every heart prepare Him room
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven and heaven and nature sing
Joy to the world
The Lord has come
Let earth receive her King
Let every heart prepare him room
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven and nature sing
And heaven and heaven and nature sing
Joy to the earth
The Savior reigns
Let men their songs employ
While fields and floods
Rocks, hills, and plains
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat the sounding joy
Repeat, repeat the sounding joy
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the people everywhere you see
Joy to you and me
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the people everywhere you see
Joy to you and me
He rules the world
With truth and grace
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness
And wonders of His love
And wonders of His love
And wonders, wonders of His love
Joy to the world
All the boys and girls
Joy to the people everywhere you see
Joy to you and me
Joy to the people everywhere you see
Joy to you and me

==============================================================================

CHEERS!

Dick: Yes, Mariah Carey, and The Lord has come onto Earth to bring us love and
glory.

CHEERS!

Dick: Well, that's our Times Square coverage of our Rockin' Christmas Eve!
Thanks to Mariah Carey, the cutest woman on Earth.  Sorry, Valerie, please
don't hate me.  Just talk to me and I'll see about getting a show on TV for
you, OK?  Now, let's bring it back to San Diego!  For now, this is Dick
Clark ... (salute) ... so long everybody.

CHEERS!

==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: Whew!  What a party tonight!

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: We have been drinking up a storm in celebriation of Christmas around
here!  Looks like my friends Tony and Stupido had a little too much boozy
around here!



(Two drunken voices sing, LOUDLY:)

I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
EVERYBODY HANGS THEIR ORNAMENTS ON ME!

I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
PEOPLE THROW ME OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!

OH, SANTA CLAUS!
OH, SANTA CLAUS!
HE BREAKS LOTS OF LAWS!

HE TRESPASSES!
HE BREAKS-AND-ENTERS!
HE TRAVELS ALL AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT A VALID PASSPORT!

I'M A HANUKKAH BUSH!
I'M A HANUKKAH BUSH!
I'M LIKE A JEWISH CHRISTMAS TREE!
WHOH!

(sound of two limp bodies crashing to the floor)

D.T. Whew!  Hey, producer Fonzie, help me get those two off the stage?  This is
embarrassing.

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: REMEMBER THIS FOLKS!

THINKERS DON'T DRINK,

DRINKERS CAN'T THINK,

DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!


D.T.: Well we got all this Christmas caroling and Hanukkah rocking and
all this hype about the former here and there, but is there
anybody out there that can tell us all what Christmas is all about?

You, sir in the back?  Please step up to the mike.

Linus: Sure, David, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.


LINUS STEPS UP ON STAGE AND HAS THE FLOOR


Lights please?


Linus: And there were in the same country, shepherds, a riding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by night, and low, the angel of the Lord came
upon them.

Linus: and the glory of the Lord shall lead up on them, and they were
so afraid, that the angels said unto them "Fear not, for behold
I bring new tidings to great joy, for born onto you, this day
in the city of David, a savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord."

Linus: And this shall be a sign onto you, we shall find a way to wrap him
with clothes lying in a manger.

Linus: And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly 
host praising God and saying  "Glory to God in the highest and
on Earth, peace, good will toward men!" Luke 2:13-14




That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.



APPLAUSE!!!  APPLAUSE!!!  APPLAUSE!!!


D.T.: OK, we're just about to wrap this Stupid Christmas Special up, but we
just can't let Granma leave alive, can we?

APPLAUSE!

==============================================================================

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" by Elmo and Patsy

CHORUS:
        Grandma got run over by a reindeer
        Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
        You can say there's no such thing as Santa
        But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She'd been drinking too much egg nog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication
And she staggered out the door into the snow

When we found her Christmas morning
At the seen of the attack,
She had hoofprints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back!

CHORUS

Now, we're all so proud of Grandpa
He's been taking it so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Nell

It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(SEND THEM BACK!)

CHORUS

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig (AH!)
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig

I warned all my friends and neighbors:
"Better watch out for yourselves!"
They should NEVER give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves!

CHORUS

SING IT, GRANDPA!

CHORUS

MERRY CHRISTMAS!


==============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: What a way to end the show.  Well, we're all running late, so we better
shut down this 8-hour Christmas special before Santa kicks us all over the
place!

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: This is David Tanny telling you to help control the animal population,
so get your dogs and cats paired off with their same sex partners.

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: Form the entire cast and crew here, to my Catholic friends out there,
Merry Christmas;  to my Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah, to my black friends,
Happy Kwanzaa;  and for my atheist friends,... er, um,...hope you win the
lottery, I guess.

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: And for everyone, regardless of religion, color, creed or ability,
have a Happy and Prosperous New Year, and before we leave...

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: This was a little tricky for us tonight. As you may know, we lost a good
friend.. Chris Farley in 1997, he passed away.  We still have to come here
to do the show for all the folks, but to Chris, he was a good friend and one of
the greatest comedians we had ever known.  He would have come to this show and
he was planning to do a version of the Christmas Carol, "El Nino is Coming To
Town", in honor of the Tropical storm of 1998, and he had it perfect, but alas,
we just can't replace Chris.  He was truly one of a kind, one of the most
pleasant comedians we known, and when he came here, he gave it 100%.

D.T.: Say a prayer for him tonight... God bless you.



IN MEMORY OF CHRIS FARLEY 1964-1997


Audience applauses calmly.

CLOSING THEME SONG PLAYED OVER THE CREDITS


END OF SHOW


BEGIN COMMERCIAL

[Scene of Dog walking towards his bowl of dog food.  He sniffs, by doesn't
inhale. Then he walks away.]


Helen: Norm, Rover doesn't like the dog food we just gave him.  What's the
matter here?

Norm: I don't think it's the dog food brand this time. It's because of that
stupid Tanny Christmas Special he was forced to watch this year on TV.


LAUGHTER!!!!!!

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