APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! D.T.: Whew! Adam Sandler, recorded just a few weeks ago for 1997 at Paradise University. He mentioned another cutie Yasmine Bleeth in the song. Stupido: I thought I heard you say Yasmine was the cutest? D.T.: Her, too. Stupido: But before that you said that Alyssa Milano was the cutest! D.T.: Yes. I did. Stupido: Yea, but... D.T.: Hey, why are you so fixated with this cuteness thing? Come on, man? LAUGHTER! Stupido: The one you once thought of as the cutest is really mad at you, David. D.T.: Huh, who? Stupido: This lady isn't going to take this from you that much longer. D.T.: Well, there have been hundreds of ladies I admired from afar. Stupido: Yeah? Name them all! LAUGHTER! D.T.: Uh, there's, oh, umm, uh... LAUGHTER! Stupido: Yes? D.T.: I am really hot under the collar. Why are you asking me that question? Stupido: Because she's here tonight! D.T.: Who? V.B.: Perhaps I should fill you in on one of them now, David. WILD APPLAUSE! D.T.: Awww my gawwwwwd! LAUGHTER! V.B.: Oh, spare me that bad Ann Romano impression! You know I'm the cutest lady in the whole wide world! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE! Stupido: Ladies and gentlemen, the original cutie, Valerie Bertinelli! APPLAUSE! V.B.: Listen to me David, I'm cute! Cute! Cute! Cute! Cute! Cute! and Cute! LAUGHTER! D.T.: OK, I got your drift, you're still cute. V.B.: Well thank you for wising up. Now am I cuter than Mynabird Carey? LAUGHTER! D.T.: Uh, hmm. V.B.: Well? LAUGHTER! D.T.: I'm thinking, I'm thinking. LAUGHTER! Stupido: And while David is trying to think, let's listen to a Christmas song from The Three Stooges! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Wreck the Halls with Boughs of Holly", by The Three Stooges (Tune: Deck the Halls) (M: Moe L: Larry C: Curly Joe) Spoken: M: 'Tis the night before Christmas and all through the town Everything's coming loose; everything's falling down (sounds of things falling and crashing) Be careful with that holly! L: Don't nail anything to the wall, I'm warnin' ya. Use Scotch tape; Scotch tape is better! C: For paper, it's good. For holly, it's rotten! M: Watch out what you hang on that chandelier; it's not strong! C: Tinsel. Tinsel. It's only tinsel. L: It's too MUCH tinsel! C: What harm could one more teensy weensy piece of tinsel do? Here, let me show you...there. See? AHHHHHH! (chandelier crashes) M: Though we hang our gay decorations with care, L: The whole house is a mess, M: and we cry in despair! ALL: (crying, then singing:) Don't wreck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Decorating can be folly. Fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol (more crashes) (Spoken:) M: I _told_ you it wouldn't hold! You wouldn't listen! (SLAP!) C: Oooh, that hurt! M: No, it didn't! THIS one will hurt! (SLAP!) C: OOOOW! Hey, you're right! (Sung:) ALL: Holly leaves are sharp like stingers Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Handle them with dainty fingers Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (Spoken:) C: Ooh, my finger! It's bleedin'! M: Serve ya right; I _told_ you it was sharp! The tree is not straight! L: It's leaning. M: It's too much decorations on the left side! L: No, it's NOT ENOUGH decorations on the left side! C: You're BOTH wrong; it's not enough on the top! Here, I'll show ya! L: No, no, don't put anything more on the top! M: Come down from there! Watch out what you're doin'! C: Oooh! Whoa! L: It's dangerous! I'm warnin' ya, I'm tellin' ya it's... M: TIMMM-BERRRRRRRRRR! (tree and Curly crashes) C'mon, Larry, let's get Curly Joe out from under that tree again. ============================================================================= APPLAUSE!!!! Stupido: That was The Three Stooges with the all-time classic "Wreck The Halls." They're all dead now. AWWWWWW!!! Stupido: Speaking of wrecking the place, looks like Valerie is getting mad enough to wreck the place. V.B.: I AM THE CUTEST! I AM THE CUTEST! D.T.: Who are you, Muhammad Ali's cousin? LAUGHTER! V.B.: I wanna know why you did not immediately tell me that I am cuter than Muhammad Carey? LAUGHTER! D.T.: Mariah. V.B.: Whatever, her music doesn't rock. D.T.: Hey, she had eight #1 songs in the past seven years. Millions of fans can't be wrong. V.B.: Well, um, uh, I had three TV series, lots of popular movies and minis, and I have hundreds of web sites all over the Internet. D.T.: Is this going to be the battle of the cuties? V.B.: Bring on Moronah! I'll show her who's the cutest! Mariah: Well, if it isn't cupcake. How's it going, Val. V.B.: Ok, now that people can compare who is cuter. Me or you? Mariah: Why is this battle important to you? V.B.: Because my career is fading because nobody thinks I'm cute anymore, and I still am. Mariah: Ok, Ok, have it your way, you're cute. V.B.: I don't want to hear it from you, I want to hear it from D.T.! Mariah: Whatever. I must be... V.B.: Not so fast! Hey, where is D.T.? Tony: Uh, D.T. is talking to producer Fonzie about this battle. He'll be back after he watches the South Park Christmas episode on tape. AUDIENCE ROARS AND APPLAUSE! V.B.: Well, Mariah, you know about my husband, Eddie? Mariah: Yes, I know, is your band version 3.0 by now? LAUGHTER! V.B.: Enough of the jokes. Are you trying to be cute? Mariah: Yup, I'm cute! AUDIENCE FLIRTS (even the lesbians!) AND APPLAUSE! Tony: Well, let's watch another act perform an Xmas song, shall we ladies? V.B.: Yeah, right, I'm cute. Mariah: Sure, OK, I'm cuter. LAUGHTER! Tony: And now for a Clause in our contracts, we have The Clause Company. APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "You Can Sue", by The Clause Company Need some cash right now? Why you feeling glum? We can show you how, To net a tidy sum, There's hardly any risk, What have you got to lose? Just find a way to slip a disc and we will turn the screws! Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, Then go shop for free, Find the rat who sold you that defective Christmas tree, Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, Fund your shopping spree, Just confess you've been molested while on Santa'a knee. You'll have sudden lunge, Must be Santa's fleet, As through your ceiling plunge, And doesn't ram your feet, With plaster falling 'round, Can't beg them all to cease, We'll call him up for damages while you take off on fleece. Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, Why not make them pay? Sue their mold is Christmas Season, Hurry, don't delay. Oh, yes it's true, you can sue, For a minor fee, Call us up this Christmas eve, At 28493! We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a Happy Hanukkah, We wish you a joyous holiday, And a liticious new year! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Tony: Oh, aren't the 90s fun? That was The Clause Company and their jolly little carol "You Can Sue." Well, D.T. is still on his break, so let's break away for some Demented News with Whimsical Will, right here! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== Holiday Greetings to all you Santa Claustrophobics everywhere! It's WW with his Demented News! XMAS (WW) -- "When was the last time you saw Xmas carolers? "A caroler is indeed a dying breed in the 90s thanks to the lousy reception we've been giving. This year, a group of old-school irate carolers have taken to the streets to seek revenge launching mistletoes and planting tannenbaums, but local enforcement officials aren't too concerned about the riotists carolers. You see this often happens early in the holiday season. It's what sociologists are calling ...... pre-minstrol syndrome." XMAS SHOPPING (WW) -- "Every year at this time, I ask you if you've finished all of Christmas shopping, and you always tell me not yet. "We'll I can't help you if you're stuck with a demanding kid, but over the next few weeks, I thought I'd use the Demented News to offer you the Whimsical Will Guide to Demented Christmas Shopping. "We'll, we dig into the archives to remember those skewed and twisted products for the special dementoid on your list." IT'S TIME FOR NUMBER ONE! (WW) -- "Or perhaps there's still time to order my favorite stocking stuffer...Poopets. "Just in time for holiday giving...Cow Manure! "A Norwalk CA company is enjoying a brisk business selling animal figurines made from baked and sanitized cow patties, they're called PooPets and are available by mail order only, so it would be ... Postage DEW, and carry such names as Turdle, CowPie Cow, Peppy LePoop, and maybe even the real Winnie The Poop, all exquisitely sculpted from the highest quality meadow muffins. "It promises to be the ... NUMBER TWO best selling Xmas gift of the year" IT'S ANARCHY BARBIE (WW) - "And for the anti-Barbie doll collector, let's not forget about Fiero Sheryl. "Hey, move over, Barbie, here comes a doll so anatomically correct, in fact hygenically deficient, that it's sure to barf you out! "This alternative doll comes complete with tattoos, unshaven legs, pierced body parts, and other features too graphic to mention even on the Demented News. "This is one scary chick. "Actually, the doll's name is Cheryl, Fiero Cheryl. Fiero, which means of or like a wild beast. "Designer Duncan says the doll is intended for the consumer who has trouble relating to the clean cut Barbie image. She says that Barbie is irrevelant, nobody looks like her, so I made a Fiero doll. "Maybe you can pull a string a Fiero will shout obscenities at you. "Now I hear that Barbie is on the COUNTER attack. Don't forget what Abraham Lincoln said about domineering women..."If destruction be our lot, it must spring up among us, it cannot come from ABROAD."" TOP SECRET (WW) -- "Remember those inflatable bikini tops? Well, they make great stocking stuffers. "So, for the stuffed shirts on your holiday shopping list... "From the pages of USA Today comes the story of an inflatable bikini top. "The new swimwear works on the pump sneaker principle. The bikini cups contain an air chamber that inflates when you press a tiny pump in the bra's center. "It's called Top Secret and it's being touted as the 90s way to have cleavage. "Well, it makes sense to me. I mean, an air pump has always been good for...FIXING FLATS." MY PARDON, DOLLY (WW) -- "I picked up a little flak over the Fiero Barbie doll I recommended last week. So for equal time, here's a gift idea... "From the "Honey They Blew Up Barbie" file comes the latest from Mattel toys: a 3-ft tall Barbie doll! "It's called "My Size, Barbie", and it's touted as the first Barbie girls can actually share clothes with." (Yes, even little boys can now try on Barbie's dresses, just like Dennis Rodman might have done if it existed then!) "Asking $100 for the mighty mannequin, it comes decked out in a provacative low cut pink chiffon number. "But poor Ken, he's still ten inches tall." (insert your own joke here). "Imagine your girlfriend three times as big as you. It's like seventh grade all over again! "And how did the first group of little girls take to the new big size Barbie? They're recovering nicely at the local trauma center." LITTLE PRARIE DOG ON THE HOUSE (WW) -- "And for the gardener on your list, don't forget to order the prarie dog vaccuuming service. "A Colorado man has built a vacuum system powerful enough to suck prarie dogs from their burrows. "Gabe vacuums prarie dogs from the holes in urban areas and farms. "The animals are then deposited unharmed, but somewhat confused in a large tank in his truck. "I suppose you might say Gabe's job really ... nah, should I say it?" (you better not.) "Well, actually he's doing a public service for building contractors. After all, you wouldn't want to build your HOUSE ON THE PRARIE DOG." KILL A XMAS TREE (WW) -- "It's time to buy a Christmas Tree! "Prices are on the rise and consumers are on the run! "I went down to the local Xmas tree lot, you know, Xmas trees are what they sell, a lot is what they get? I paid $100 for my tree! "It's small, but I had to kneel down to put on a star. That's ok, cause my tree will serve a dual purpose. After Christmas, I can use it as a toothpick. "On a sad note, however, we just received word that the propreiator of the Beverly Hills Xmas Tree Orama is in the hospital tonight following an occupational injury. Yea, he fell off his wallet." TREE-PE LE PEW(WW) -- "Thieves would smell something other than a sweet pine a roma of Christmas if they would take a tree from the Pullman Washington City park. "To prevent residents from ripping off trees again this year, public works officials have sprayed the remaining trees with a special mixture of skunk oil and fox urine. "They say there have been no reports of tree thefts so far this year. "Picture this: the snow softly falling, the stockings are hung, a coming from the den is the smell of skunk oil and fox urine. JINGLE TIL YOU DIE (WW) -- "In the new movie, Jingle All The Way, the new Arnold Schwarzeneggar movie, did you catch the name of Turboman's arch enemy? "No, it's De-Mentor! Cause if there's ever a Dr. Demento action figure, of course it would have to be RADIO controlled!" And this is Whimsical Will. Please visit my website! http://members.tripod.com/~whimsicalwill/ ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Tony: Yes, that's some of the many demented Christmas news Whimsical Will has put together especially for our Stupid Christmas Special. Stupido: Well, Christmas is getting near. What's that? You haven't done WHAT? LAUGHTER! Tony: Insert your own job there. Here is another new song from The Arrogant Worms, right there! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "Christmas Is Almost Here" by The Arrogant Worms Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! It's five days 'til Christmas, I haven't done a thing, Don't even have a Christmas tree, I'm panicking! Lots are all sold out, I search until the night, I end up with a grubby shrub, Up with the case of blight! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Four days til Christmas, Guess I'll have to decorate, Hours in the basement, Until I find the crate! Lights and bulbs and 'lectric strings, all tangled in a knot, Then I spend the day separ- ating what I got! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Three days til Christmas, Spent all day writing cards, I stared writing letters now, I just say best regards. I shove them in the mailbox, And to the mall I go, To get gifts for Jim and Dave and Tim and Uncle Joe! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! It's two days til Christmas, A million things to do, Clean the house, put on tea, Company is due. Where are my relatives? Why haven't they showed up? I'll bet they're at the airport, I forgot to pick them up! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! [speed up tempo] Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Christmas is almost here! Hurrry up!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! [Slow down the tempo] It's finally Christmas, Kids wake me up at five, All downstairs and messy hair, So me half a life. And all day serving company, Then fall down inert, If these are my holidays, I'd rather stay at work. ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Tony: Yes, that was The Arrogant Worms from their latest CD "Christmas Turkey", and to order their excellent Xmas CD and others, then just call 1-800-JOE-RADIO for their excellent Christmas CD while it lasts. APPLAUSE! [D.T. WALKS BACK ON STAGE] APPLAUSE! D.T.: Thanks Tony. Listen, I talked it over with procuder Fonzie, and he helped me put together this battle of the cuties contest. Stupido: Well, fill us in, Dave? D.T.: I got many fun mini-battles for the ladies to perform, and there will be five judges to rate the ladies on whatever they wish to base their votes on. Heck, I don't care, I am getting sick of this cute battle. Tony: I agree. Not even Marie Osmond was cute enough to cause this much problem. LAUGHTER! Stupido: Well, who's our judges? D.T.: Well, I called several celebrities and, in an instant, they showed up. Tony: How did you get them here so fast? D.T.: I edited this show out 3 hours so that the audience sees no interruption. LAUGHTER! Tony: Oh, well, what's going on backstage? D.T.: They're building the sets we need, so let's have another Christmas song. Stupido: Let me intro! Let me intro! D.T. OK Stupido: Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Rivers! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "The 12 Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers! C: (Chorus) The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 2: (Angry husband) Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me 3: (Man getting over being drunk) Hangovers 2: Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me 4: (Exhausted man) Sending Christmas cards 3: Hangovers 2: Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Five months of bills! 4: Sending Christmas cards 3: Hangovers 2: Rigging up the lights C: And finding a Christmas tree. The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 6: (Nervous wife) Facing my in-laws C: Five months of bills! 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards! 3: Hangovers 2: Rigging up these lights! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 7: (Number 6's husband) The Salvation Army 6: Facing my in-laws C: Five months of bills! 4: Sending Christmas cards 3: Oh, geez! 2: I'm tryin' to rig up these lights! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me: 8: (Whining brat...er, kid) I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! 7: Charities, And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!? C: Five months of bills! 4: Oh, making out these cards 3: Honey, get me a beer, huh? 2: What, we have no extension cords?!? C: And finding a Christmas tree. The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me 9: (A tired father, probably of number 8) Finding parking spaces 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!! 7: Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws C: Five months of bills! 4: Writing out those Christmas cards 3: Hangovers! 2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!? C: And finding a Christmas tree. The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: 0: (A mother) "Batteries Not Included" 9: No parking spaces. 8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum! 6: Oh, facing my in-laws! C: Five months of bills! 4: Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards 3: Oh, geez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me: A: (A male couch potato) Stale TV specials 0: "Batteries Not Included" 9: No parking spaces 8: DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!! 7: Charities! 6: She's a witch; I hate her! C: Five months of bills! 4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these paper! 3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh? 2: Get a flashlight; I blew a fuse!! C: And finding a Christmas tree. The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me: B: (Two men) Singing Christmas carols A: Stale TV specials 0: "Batteries Not Included" 9: No parking?!? 8: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make 'em dinner! C: Five months of bills! 4: I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it! 3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, _YOU_ RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!! C: And finding a Christmas tree. ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! LET'S GET READY TO BATTLLLLLLLE! APPLAUSE! Announcer: It's The Network Battle of the Cuties! [Fonzie SNAPS HIS FINGERS!] DEAD SILENCE Fonzie: Hey! What is this? This is just a low-budget Christmas show written in text. Let's keep this in perspective, shall we? Announcer (calmly): Ok. Here is the Network Battle of the Cuties with host Howard Stern. APPLAUSE! D.T.: OK, so he used the wrong script from the PPV special Battle of the Sizes of Priva...(pause)...oh, never mind. LAUGHTER! D.T.: Let's cut to the chase here, this budget is going overboard. The first battle is titled "Overboard!" In this battle, we borrow Stan from South Park to help us out here. Let's welcome him here! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Hey, dude, ready for the battle. Stan: Ready, dude. D.T.: OK, bring out our first battle contestant, Mariah! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Now, just pose in the cutest pose ever. Mariah: Alright. Here is my cutest pose with my best side, big brown eyes, long legs, and my big fat hair. AUDIENCE FLIRTS WILDLY! Stan: BARF! URRRP! BLEECH! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Judges? How did Stan rate in getting grossed out? 5.6 4.6 5.0 6.0 4.8 D.T.: Alright. Now let Stan refill on some food while we go to Valerie for her best effort in being cute. Valerie: OK, you asked for it! I'm here to reclaim my queen of the cute crown with my best pose. Just watch! AUDIENCE FLIRTS WILDLY! Stan: URRRRP! HUUCCCCH!! BARRRRF! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Judgges? How did Stan's barfing out rate? 6.0 5.4 5.7 5.8 5.5 D.T.: Looks like Valerie wins the first round in the battle of the cuties! APPLAUSE! FLIRT! D.T.: The next battle will be done after this song from Dudley Moron, right here! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "Winter Wonderland", by Dudley Moron At the office Christmas party I started off with a Bicardi I didn't get sauced, But, right now, I'm lost! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! I had a beer at my brother's Had egg nog at my mother's Then two bottles of wine... Which automobile's mine? It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! Someone caught me dancing with a snowman A policeman came and put me in his car He said, "Are you drunk?" and I said, "No, man, But could you drop me off at the next bar?" (HEH-HEH) I guess my wife must be missing. Who's this dog that I'm kissing? They say his name's Spot And he likes me..a lot! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! I was looking for a lady I could dance with So I stood beneath the mistletoes Someone said, "You'd have a better chance if You take the lampshade off and put back on your clothes!" (A lampshade! Isn't that the best?!>) Time to be going. I'm naked...is it still snowing? It's time I should leave... I'll be back New Year's Eve!! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! It's Christmas and I wonder where I am! Have you seen my hat; I wouldn't want to freeze. What a party! Don't you wish you were me?!?!? ============================================================================== Scott: That was Dudley Moore...er, make that Dudley MoRON, with a message for all of you to not drink and drive, because if you drive drunk and die, I guarantee you won't ever ever watch another stupid David Tanny holiday special ever again. APPLAUSE! Scott: I guess you're applauding for my anti-drinking message. Heckler: No! We're applauding because you called this holiday special for what it really is...STUPID! LAUGHTER! D.T.: OK, let's go to round two! DING! DING! D.T.: In this round, Santa Claus asked them what they wanted while the song was playing. Tony, can we have the answers please? Tony: Here is the envelope! D.T.: And the winner is... LAUGHTER! D.T.: Oops, wrong show. Here is what Valerie answered with, show the tape! Valerie: All I want for Christmas is a hit TV series and my husband to have a #1 album for 52 weeks on the chart. D.T.: OK, now judges? 4.7 5.9 1.5 6.0 4.6 D.T.: 1.5??!?!? Well, you're the judge. LAUGHTER! D.T.: Moving right along, here is what Mariah Carey answered with, show the tape! Mariah: All I wish for Christmas is for God to bless the world with all the love onto Earth through his savior son, Jesus Christ the Lord, and for D.T. to find love at long last instead of spending all day typing wastes of time like the long report you are reading right now. LAUGHTER! D.T.: Ok, now judges? 6.0 6.0 6.0 6.0 6.0 D.T.: Holy @#$#! Mariah aced the round! APPLAUSE! D.T.: So, Tony, can you tell us what the score is? Tony: Mariah: 1. Valerie: 1. APPLAUSE! D.T.: OK, on to round three right after this from Yogi Yorgesson! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "I Yust Go Nuts at Christmas", by Yogi Yorgesson Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas On that yolly holiday I'll go in da red like a knucklehead 'Cause I'll sqvander all my pay. Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas Shopping sure drives me berserk On da day before, I'll rush in da store Like a poor, bevillered yerk! I look at nightgowns for my vife; Dose black vones trimmed in red. But I don't know her size and so, She'll get a carpet sveeper, instead Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas Vhen each kid hangs up his sock It's a time for kids to flip their lids Vhile their papa goes in hock (Spoken:) On the night before Christmas, it's still in the house My family is sleeping, so I'm qviet like a mouse I look at my vatch, and midnight is near... I tink I'll sneak out for a cold glass o' beer. Down at the corner, the crowd is so merry I end up by drinking about tvelve Tom 'n' Yerry I get to bed late and, gee vhiz, how I'm sleeping Vhen, on to my bed, those darn kids they come leaping They sit on my face and they yump on my belly And I'm shiverin' all over like a bowl full of yelly They scream, "Merry Christmas!" My poor vife and me Ve stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree My head is exploding; my mouth tastes like a pickle I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle Yust before Christmas dinner, I relax to a point Then relatives start svarming all over tha yoint On Christmas, I hug and I kiss my vife's mother The rest of the year, ve don't speak to each other After dinner, my aunt and my vife's Uncle Louie Get into an argument; they're both awful screwy The all my vife's family say Louie is right And my goofy relations, they yoin in the fight Back in the corner, the radio's playing And, over the racket, Gabriel Hader is saying, "Peace on Earth, everybody, and goodvill tovard men" And, yust at that moment, somevone slugs Uncle Ben They all run outside vhooping so the neighbors'll hear... Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes yust vonce a year! (Singing:) Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas But I still have lots of fun Yust the same as you, I enyoy it, too... Merry Christmas, everyvone! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! D.T.: What's that, Fonzie? Fonzie: We're running short on time, D.T. I guess 84,500 bytes were not enough to rent for server space. D.T.: Damn! Now we gotta go into overtime. Well, there goes the budget! LAUGHTER! D.T.: OK, this round, three, will be worth TWO points and decide for once and for all who is the cutest! In this round, the five judges will vote for one or the other in determining who does the best in this round. Tell them, Tony! Tony: OK, Mariah and Valerie. The rules are simple. Each of you has to perform another career's act. Valerie, you have to sing, and Mariah, you have to act. Now decide what each of you will perform while we hear another new song from Weird Al Yankovic from his "Bad Hair Day" CD, here's his Santa Claus song! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================== "The Night Santa Went Crazy" by "Weird Al" Yankovic Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye, "Merry Christmas to all... now you're all gonna die!" The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!" The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin' in reindeer guts There's the National Guard and the FBI There's a van from the Eyewitness News And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy [soft, pleasant original version] Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time In a federal prison for his infamous crime Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years But now Vixen's in therapy, and Donner's still nervous And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights [extra gory version] Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead Some guy from the SWAT team blew a hole through his head Yes, little friend now, as his brain's on the floor Guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around any more But now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment And the elves gotta stand in line to file for unemployment And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights They're talkin' 'bout - the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped Wo, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! D.T.: "The Night Santa Went Crazy" by Weird Al Yankovic, not to be confused with Wierd All Tanglevich or Weerd Al Yankovich or whatever imitators are out there. Insist on the real one, Weird Al Yankovic. That single is on the EP single "Amish Paradise" in the extra gory version, but the regular version is off his CD "Bad Hair Day." Tony, are you there? Tony: Right here, Tony. Now here is Mariah in this sketch purposely ripping off someone else's skit. APPLAUSE! Mariah: Oh, Santa, baby. Santa: Yes, Mariah, honey. Mariah: I understand you have retired all your reindeer. Santa: Yes, unfortuneately, the poor deer got too old and I had to replace them with their younger offspring. Mariah: Even Rudolph? Santa: Let's just say that Rudolph didn't die, he just flickered out. LAUGHTER! Mariah: Well, I wish to know the names of the reindeer, so that I'll know what to call them. Santa: Yes, but you know, strange as it may seem, my old reindeer gave their offspring very strange names. Mariah: Funny names. Santa: Yes. Mariah: Tell me the names of the reindeer and what positions they are at? Santa: Let's see, we have Who is on first, What is on second, I Don't Know is on Third... LAUGHTER! Mariah: You know the names? Santa: Yes. Mariah: Well, who's on first? Santa: Yes. Mariah: I mean the reindeer's name? Santa: Who. Mariah: On first. Santa: That's the reindeer's name. Mariah: What's the reindeer's name on first? Santa: No, What's the reindeer on second? Mariah: Who's on second? Santa: Who's on first! Mariah: I don't know. Santa: He's on third. LAUGHTER! Santa: You know their names as well as I do. Mariah: OK, now tell me the name of your helper on the sleigh. Santa: Tomorrow. Mariah: What time? Santa: Tomorrow. Mariah: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who is your helper. Santa: Who is on first. LAUGHTER! Mariah: How did we leave the sleigh? Santa: I don't know. You're getting them mixed up. Mariah: Who's mixed up? Santa: How can he be mixed up? He's ok on first. LAUGHTER! Mariah: I'm so confused. Who leads what? What leads I don't know. Why? I don't know. Tomorrow will help. And I'm getting out of here! Santa: Oh, that's my son! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE! Tony: OK, that was some sketch! Now let's hear Valerie sing this Christmas song we wrote! APPLAUSE! ========================================================================== "Jingle Bells", by Valerie Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin lays and egg, Batmobile broke its wheel, The Joker got away, hey! Vicki Vale just turned pale, Two-Face became three, Catwoman got ten lives and pesters Gotham Cit-y! Riddler just did her, Bruce Wayne just turned gay, Gotham City, what a pity Just got blown away! Jingle Bells, Eddie sells, Gary Cherone sings, Number one on Billboard And Van Halen are kings! ============================================================================== APPLAUSE! Tony: OK, let's give this back to Stupido. Stupido: Thanks Tony. David? D.T.: OK, over to you, Tony. Tony: Hey, wait a minute! LAUGHTER!