D.T.: And you can find that song from the CD "I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My Undies"! And now folks, we have... Sydney: Hey DEE TEE! D.T.: Oh, hello. Been out shopping again? Sydney: Yup, I just bought myself the toy of the Christmas season of 1998! D.T.: Oh really, what did you get? Sydney: Well, it was very hard to find, but after I finally convinced the store owner I was willing to pay that much for that toy for my child, he lost all resistance, which was futile to begin with, and gave in to my demands. D.T.: OK. Lucky you. Now, how much did you pay for that Furby doll? Sydney: Huh? OOOOH! D.T.: You know, it's the hottest toy of the season 1998. Sydney: Furby? I paid $62,238 for the Sing and Snore Ernie toy! D.T.: Syd? Sydney: Don't tell me I f---ed up again? D.T.: OK. I won't. Sydney: Alright. D.T.: You just spent too much for last year's hot toy again! Sydney: WHAT? LAUGHTER! D.T.: Uh, Syd, honey, that was last year's toy and you can find it in thrift shops for a mere 99 cents nowadays. You got ripped off AGAIN! AWWWWWWW!!!! Sydney: So I was robbed again! D.T.: This from a desparate shopper who in 1997 spent $27,238 for the Tickle Me Elmo toy sensation from 1996! You're behind the times, Sydney! Sydney: Damn! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Speaking of suckers, over there we have a song from a British comedian who, in 1962, wrote of the.."Dark Side" of the holidays. Seems he was quite the psychic (or is that psychotic) when he made this lovely carol you're about to hear. Here's Paddy Roberts. APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Merry Christmas,...You Suckers", by Paddy Roberts Merry Christmas, you suckers; you miserable men That old festive feeling is with you again You'll be spending your money on cartloads of junk And, from here 'till New Year, you'll be drunk as a skunk Merry Christmas, you suckers; it's perfectly clear That you fall for it all a bit sooner each year If it goes on like this, you will find pretty soon You'll be singing "White Christmas" as early as June This Christmas card racket Will cost you a packet Each season, it seems to expand The cards are so clever Though nothing whatever To do with the subject at hand You'll be taking the kids 'round the multiple stores To be frightened to death by some old Santa Claus Then it's parties with spirits and "vino" and beer... Merry Christmas, you suckers, and a Happy New Year! Merry Christmas, you suckers; you blurry-eyed lot You'll never get rid of that headache you've got But I hope you'll feel splendid; you certainly should With your stomach distended with turkey and "pud" Merry Christmas, you suckers; jump into your car Roar off to your neighbors to "sink a few jars" Though your vision is doubled, just keep smiling through There are others in trouble a lot worse than you Beyond any question Acute indigestion Will plague you and make you unwell You won't take the warning; You'll wake up each morning Undoubtedly feeling like hell But, stick to it, suckers; go swallow a pill For this is the season of peace and good will While we patiently wait for that nuclear blast.... Merry Christmas, you suckers; it may be your last! ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: In 1997, the classic TV series we all gathered to watch, "Married... With Children", ended their successful 11-year fun on the Fox Network. In order to get that Tijuana Fox TV station from the valley where we are at, we all had to get some Radio Shack wires and position ourselves like those in the Twister MB game, holding up the antenna wires and repositioning them until channel 6 came on down here in El Cajon valley. Whew! Then, the Bundys coined the phrase "Get into your Fox viewing positions!", and that was the background information. Anyway, in 1989, Al Bundy, in one of their Xmas specials, I guess it was the one featuring the late Sam Kinison, had this interesting twist on the classic poem, and here he is on stage to recite it...Ed O'Neill as Al Bundy! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Al Bundy's Christmas Eve", from the TV series "Married...With Children" 'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house, No food was a-stirrin', Not even a mouse. Stockings were hung round Dad's neck like a tie, Along with a note that said, "Presents or die." Children were plotting All night in their beds, While the wife's constant whining Was splitting his head. But daddy had money This year in the bank, Then they closed up early, And now dad's in a tank. All of a sudden, Santa appeared, A sneer on his face, Booze in his beard. "Santa," I said, As he laughed merrily, "You do so much for others, Do something for me." "Bundy," he said, "You only sell shoes, Your son is a sneak thief, Your daughter's a floose." "Ho ho," Santa said, "Should I mention your wife? Her hair's like an A-bomb, Her nails like a knife." He climbs up the chimney, That fat piece of dung, He mooned me two times, He stuck out his tongue. I heard him exclaim, As he broke wind with glee, "You're married with children, You'll never be free." ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: In 1996, we lost the lead singer of The Waitresses. We remember their many new wave songs such as "I Know What Boys Like" among others. In 1982, they recorded this classic Christmas tune, as they were one of the few white folks to rap before Vanilla Ice made it embarrassing for us to rap. LAUGHTER! D.T.: We have a video of that classic Christmas rap. So audience, please look onto the huge screen to see the video by ... The Waitresses! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Christmas Rapping", by The Waitresses BAH, HUMBUG! Well, that's too strong, 'cause this is my favorite holiday But all this year's been a busy wreck; don't think I have the energy. Spreadin' my already-mad rush just 'cause it's "'tis the season" The perfect gift for me would be completions in the actions left from Last year, ski shop, encounter most interesting Had his number but never the time; most of anyone'd pass along those lines So deck those halls and trim those trees, raise up cups of Christmas cheer I just need to catch my breath; Christmas by myself this year. Calendar picture's frozen landscape chills this room for twenty-four days Evergreens, sparkling snow...get this winter over with! Flash back to springtime, saw him again; would've been good to go for lunch Couldn't agree when we're both free; we tried, we said we'd keep in touch Didn't, of course, 'till summertime; out to the beach to his boat; could I join him? No, this time it was me sunburned in the third degree. Now the calendar's just one page and, of course, I am excited Tonight's the night I set my mind not to do too much about it. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, But I think I'll miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, But I think I'll miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, But I think I'll miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, But I think I'll miss this one this year The A & P has provided me with the world's smallest turkey Already in the oven, nice and hot...oh, damn! Guess what _I_ forgot? So on with the boots back out in the snow to the only all-night grocery When what with my wandering eyes should appear? No line, it's that guy I've been chasing all year! "Spendin' this one alone," he says, "need a break; this year's been crazy." I said, "Me, too, but why are you...you mean YOU forgot cranberries, too?!?" Then, suddenly, we laughed and laughed; caught on to what was happening That Christmas magic brought this tale to a very happy ending. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Couldn't miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Couldn't miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Couldn't miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Couldn't miss this one this year.... (Repeat 'till fade out) ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! D.T.: And now folks, we have on the stage to my right, this song that gives you the shivers. Most of you in the Northeast are probably listening to this broadcast under a good two or three feet of snow right now. Pain in the butt to shovel your way out to put out the trash, right? Well, buck up and turn up that space heater; it's not getting much better. Take the advice of the duo about to sing right now, ladies and gentlemen...here's Borison and Setterburg. APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Valkin' in My Vinter Undervear", by Borison and Setterburg Sleigh bells ring and I'm listening But I'm turning and tvisting 'Cause I'm itching up here And I'm scratching down there Valking in my vinter undervear Now da front is all battered And da back is all tattered But Vhen I'm cold to da core I crawl tru da "back door" And up into my vinter undervear Vell, I don't care if it rains or snows or freezes; I yam so varm, I yust don't give a hoot. I put on all da stockings I can locate Then I vear two pair of trousers vith my suit... But then I start to perspire Then it sets me on fire 'Cause I'm itching up here And I'm scratching down there Valking in my vinter undervear Vinter snow is vite and glistening But I'm turning and tvisting I've gotta scratch a little here I've gotta scratch a little there Valking in my vinter undervear I put my bathing suit avay in moth balls And now I've got to adapt to snow balls Vhen I can't scratch my back I throw myself all aback Vile valking in my vinter undervear Tru rain and snow and ice, I do not vorry Vhen vinter come, I do not give a hoot My hat and coat and earmuffs keep my cozy And a vear two pair of trousers vith my suit... But vhen it come to other clothing, Vell the ting dat I am loading Is vhen my face turns blue And contortions I go tru Valking in my vinter undervear They're from Sears-Rooooebuuuuck... Valking in my vinter undervear! ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: Here are the singers of the classic hunting song "Second Week O' Deer Camp" and "Beer Gut". Right there, let's listen to Da Yoopers! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "My Rusty Chevrolet" by Da Yoopers (Car trying to start...and failing) "C'mon, c'mon! (starts again) C'mon, you can do it! (starts) All right!" Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet Down the road I go, sliding all the way I need new piston rings; I need some new snow tires My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire CHORUS: Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's OK Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer I just passed up my left front tire and it's getting hard to steer Speeding down the highway, right past a Negaunee cop. I had to drag my swampers to get the car to stop. CHORUS (BRIDGE: accordion solo of chorus) Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big blue cloud of smoke People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke? I have to get to Shopco to pick up the layaway 'Cause Santa Claus is coming soon in his big old rusty sleigh CHORUS Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay... FADE OUT ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: Now friends, here's yet another version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but let's be honest; nowadays, giving out French hens, lords-a-leaping and partridges in pear trees to your true love would certify you as a complete loony... although, I, personally, wouldn't mind the golden rings and, especially, the ladies waiting...but, that's just me, I guess. Anyway, we'd like to suggest a number of "modern" suggestions for the hard-to-buy-for true love (or even true hate) in your life. Here's a video of this Christmas song performed by the late Alan Sherman. APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "The Twelve Gifts of Christmas" by Alan Sherman (A: Alan C: Chorus) A: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A Japanese transistor radio. C: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: Green polka-dot pajamas C: And a Japanese transistor radio. A: (It's a Nakashuma) C: On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, C: Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. A: (It's the Mark IV model; that's the one that was discontinued) C: On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A simulated alligator wallet C: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man, Green polka-dot pajamas, And a Japanese transistor radio. A: (And it come in a leatherette case with holes in it so you can listen right through the case) C: On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee... C: A simulated alligator wallet A calendar book with the name of my insurance man Green polka-dot pajamas And a Japanese transistor radio. A: (And it comes with a wire with one end that you can stick in your ear, and the other end you can't stick anywhere because it's bent) C: On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A hammered aluminum nut cracker And all that other stuff... C: And a Japanese transistor radio. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it, And all that other stuff... C: And a Japanese transistor radio. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: An indoor plastic birdbath, C: All that other stuff... A: And a Japanese transistor radio. C: On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs C: And a Japanese transistor radio. On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter C: And a Japanese transistor radio. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, A: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television, but not when you get it home... C: And a Japanese transistor radio. A: On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange... On the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange... An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on television, but not when you get it home... C: Chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs C: Indoor plastic birdbath A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it C: Hammered aluminum nut cracker A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee... C: A simulated alligator wallet A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man C: Green polka-dot pajamas A & C: AND A JAPANESE TRANSISTOR RA-DI-OOOOOO! A: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!! ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: We have yet another Twelve Days version later, but right now, let's... Scott: Hey David. D.T.: Hey, it's our announcer Scott. APPLAUSE! D.T.: What brings you here on stage? Scott: Well, David, I just got the sad news off the wire. D.T.: What's wrong? Scott: Looks like some explorer in the Arctic got murdered while he was out looking for Santa at the North Pole. AWWWWW!!! D.T.: Say, that is very sad. Scott: When the mounties found his body, they determined that he died from repeated stabbings. D.T.: So what did he die from? Scott: COLD CUTS! RIMSHOT! LAUGHTER! Scott: GOT YOU DAVID! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Dang you got me there. Scott: Aye, captain, I can't explain how these jokes work, but they do. D.T.: Well, let's introduce our next Christmas tune. I guess the bludgeoned explorer was trying to find out the true story of Santa Claus. But, we have on our stage, two of the 1970s icons from comedy land. You can find Cheech in the TV show "Nash Bridges", but here's Cheech telling Chong the story of "Santa Claus and his Old Lady", here are Cheech and Chong. APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Santa Claus and his Old Lady", by Cheech and Chong (CM: Cheech Marin TC: Tommy Chong) CM: (Playing piano) "Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the vecto wit da bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet...and he's going to..." No, no, that's ain't it... "Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's..." Nah. Hey, man, come over here, man. I need some help, man. TC: Yeah, man, I can dig that. Like, what are ya doin', man? CM: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but it's not comin' out... TC: About WHO, man? CM: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man? TC: Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man. CM: WHAT? TC: Yeah, last year at the Philmore, man. Me and the base player sat in, man. CM: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No, it's not a group, man. TC: Wha? They break up, man? CM: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a..a red suit, man, on with black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man. TC: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with that dude, too, man. He's a good singer, man. CM: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man. TC: Well, then he's with Buddha, man. CM: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man! TM: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from Pittsburgh, man. I don't know to many local dudes. CM: Ohhh, I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll tell you da story about Santa Claus, man. Listen: Once upon a time, about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude and has name was Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the projects with his old lady, and they had a pretty good thing together because his old lady was really fine, and she could cook and all that stuff like that, y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man! Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat ONE of 'em, man... TC: Wow, did you know these people, man? CM: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me, y'know...until they got kicked out, man. TC: Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man? CM: Yeah, you what happened, man? They used ta live with all these midgets, y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know, like pounding and hammering and pounding all night, man... TC: Typical freaks, huh? CM: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man. As a matter of fact, they all moved up north together, y'know. TC: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man? CM: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune, y'know. It was called the...uh..."Santa Claus and his Old Lady Commune"; it was a real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit around and groove all the time, y'know. TC: Oh, yeah? CM: Yeah, a really good time there, man. TC: That sounds heavy, man. CM: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea, man...and what they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta goodies, y'know? And they had everything they needed; they only needed to come into town maybe once year or something like that... TC: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right. CM: Yeah, man. No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year, when they made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big chopping bag and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em to all the boys and girls all da way around da world, man! TC: Hey, well, that's hip, man! That sounds real nice, man. CM: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people man. And so much class, man... they had so much class, y'know. Like, give or take da way they used ta deliver da toys, y'know. It's, like, Santa Claus used ta have this really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lower to da ground, had twice- pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Oooo, clean! TC: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man. CM: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile; it was a sled, y'know. One of those big sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some reindeers, y'know, like, reindeers? TC: Some WHAT, man? CM: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled, and then he used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and then call out their names, like, "On, Donner! On, Blitzen! On, Chewy! On, Tavo! C'mon, Becto!" And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky and fly across da sky, man! TC: Wow, man! That's far out, man! CM: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta come down to place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and all those places, y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and then 'ol Santa Claus would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real small guy, and he'd come down da chimney and then he would give you all da stuff that he made, man. And...dig this, man...he did it all in one night, man! TC: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man? CM: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man? TC: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man? Like, how'd he make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he get the reindeer off the ground, man? CM: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man. TC: Some magic dust? CM: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da reindeer, a little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa Claus, a little bit more... TC: And this would get the reindeer off, man? CM: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all da way around da world, man! TC: Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, I come I never met this dude, man? CM: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too dangerous, man. TC: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man! CM: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years ago, man, he got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into another room and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and searched his bag of goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man, he was flying through the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer, y'know. TC: Aw, that's a drag, man. CM: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down south, man, and they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man. And all the time, he was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID, man....just everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man. TC: No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man. CM: Aw, "repression"..."recession"...it's all da same thing, man. TC: Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use a dude like that right now. CM: Oh, he still comes around, man. TC: Oh, yeah? CM: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now... TC: Aw, he went "underground", man. CM: Yeah, "underground", man. TC: I can dig it. CM: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise; nobody would ever know it was him, man. TC: Oh, yeah? CM: Yeah. He's gotta job in front of da department store, ringing this bell and playing this tambourine next to this black pot, y'know? TC: AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN! CM: YEAH! You know who I'm talking about, man! TC: Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man! CM: WHA?!?!? TC: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of bread, man! CM: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man! TC: I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man! CM: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at all, man. TC: No, but I played with THIS dude, man. CM: Are you sure, man? TC: Positive! FADE OUT ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: That was Cheech and Chong showing us 101 uses for the word "man"! LAUGHTER! D.T.: Alright, gather up the kiddies, parents, get the kiddies close to the radio, folks. We have ourselves a pair of warnings to all the bad little children out there...you know who you are...and so does Santa! Here's Heywood G. Banks. APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "You Ain't Gettin' Diddly Squat", by Heywood G. Banks. (Hey, kids, gather 'round! Heywood's gotta little song for ya here!) Oh, I just got a message from 'ol Saint Nick way up in Christmasland And he says the toys for good girls and boys are being made as planned There's a truck for little Billy and a dolly for Molly, dear, But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year! (No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!) Oh, the winter fields are white with snow and the lights are shining bright And the wee little heads tucked up in bed dream of sugar plums this night You may dream of big red apples and candy canes so near, But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year! (No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year!) (Fa-la-la-la-you're in trouble! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!) When your mother asked you to wash the dishes, Why, you said, "No no no!" And you did not pick up your socks So it's "que sera", horse-face! HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOO! Oh, you know that Santa's watching you and he keeps a great big list But, when I tell him the things you've done, he REALLY will be....mad! When you sit upon his knee, he'll knock ya on your ear 'Cause you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this year! No, you ain't gettin' diddly squaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........T! 'Cause you really messed up Oh, you really messed up Oh, you really messed up this year!! ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: Ladies and Gentlemen, the funnies person in France, this song from Stan Freberg (and mutual rogue friend) with "Nuttin' for Christmas". APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Nuttin' For Christmas", by Stan Freberg I broke my bat on Johnny's head; somebody snitched on me. I hid a frog in sister's bed; somebody snitched on me. I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug I made Tommy eat a bug Bought some gum with a penny slug; Somebody snitched on me. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... CHORUS: I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas! Mommy and Daddy are mad! I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas 'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad! I put a tack on teacher's chair; somebody snitched on...me. I tied a knot in Susie's hair; some..............me. I did a dance on Mommy's plants Climbed a tree and tore my pants Filled the sugar bowl with ants; Somebody snitched on me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hurry up!... CHORUS I won't be seeing Santa Claus; somebody snitched on me. He won't come visit me because...somebody snitched on me. Next year, I'll be going straight Next year, I'll be good; just wait! I'd start now but it's too late; Somebody.... (sleigh bells) Spoken: Who's that coming down the chimney with a bag over his shoulder? (GASP) It's HIM! IT'S HIIIIIIM! I THOUGHT HE WASN'T COMING!!!!! *** Where's the silverware, little boy? *** In the dining room, like I told you! *** And the jewelry? *** Same place as last time. How about my cut? *** The usual? *** The usual. Join me on the chorus, OK? *** Why not? *** CHORUS Have a good season? *** Excellent! *** ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! D.T.: Well, that Stan Freberg did a mean impression of Jerry Lewis, I must say. Jerry is still entertaining us with his movies and telethons and such... Jerry Lewis: Hey! Hey! APPLAUSE! D.T.: Hey, it's Jerry Lewis! APPLAUSE! D.T.: What brings you here tonight, Jerry? Jerry: Well, David, I wanted to come out on stage to share my Christmas wishes with all the friends you have on stage tonight. Give yourselves a hand, out there! Yea! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! Jerry: I also wanted to add.... Ed McMahon: Uh, Jerry? Jerry: Add some more.... Ed: Jerry? Jerry: cheer to... Ed: Hello? Jerry? Jerry: Whaaaat, Ed? APPLAUSE! Ed: Relax, Jerry, we have a new toteboard to show you. LAUGHTER! Jerry: Wait a minute, this isn't the telethon? Ed: No, but it's the Feed David Tanny The Pennypincher Telethon and we have a new total to show you all. Jerry: Alright, give me a tippany! [TIPPANY SOUND] Jerry: YEAH! ALRIGHT! APPLAUSE! Ed: Jerry, we have now achieved a total of over the $1 mark for the David Tanny fund. Jerry: Fantastic! Thank you all for helping feed our host! APPLAUSE! Ed: Now let's end another one of these lame celebrity-impersonated sketches with David Tanny's favorite artist of the 1990s. Weird Al: You calling me? APPLAUSE! Ed: No, you're on later, Al. Weird Al: Oh, sorry. Jerry: Now, now, cheer up. You're also one of Dave's Faves, Al! Weird Al: Really? Ed: By the way, where is David lately? [LOVEMAKING NOISES BACKSTAGE] Jerry: Ahhhh! Turn off the transmitter! This is a family show! APPLAUSE! Ed: Looks like he's trying to get Mariah to sing a high note she never sang before! LAUGHTER! [MARIAH IN BACKGROUND GIVING OFF NOTES 3-4 OCTAVES ABOVE MIDDLE "C"!] APPLAUSE! Weird Al: Well, while she's busy, uh, getting her voice ready, can I sing my song? Jerry: Go ahead. Introduce him, Ed. APPLAUSE! Ed: Ladies and Gentlemen, right here on our stage, I present to you this all-time classic by "Weird Al" Yankovic APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= "Christmas At Ground Zero", by Weird Al Yankovic It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's music in the air The sleigh bells are ringing And the carolers are singing While the air raid sirens blare It's Christmas at Ground Zero The button has been pressed The radio Just let us know That this is not a test Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin' It's the end of all humanity No more time for last minute shoppin' It's time to face your final destiny It's Christmas at Ground Zero There's panic in the crowd We can dodge debris While we trim the tree Underneath a mushroom cloud (BRIDGE: music with air raid siren in the background) You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop[ Or Jack Frost on your windowsill But if someone's climbing down your chimney You better load your gun and shoot to kill! It's Christmas at Ground Zero And, if the radiation level's OK, I'll go out with you To see all the new Mutations on New Year's Day It's Christmas at Ground Zero Just seconds left to go I'll "duck-and-cover" With my Yule-tide lover Underneath the mistletoe It's Christmas at Ground Zero Now the missiles are on their way What a crazy fluke; We're gonna get nuked On this jolly holiday What a crazy fluke; We're gonna get nuked On this jol-ly hol-i-dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (FADE OUT with air raid siren blaring) ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Scott: Thank's Ed and Jerry. That was "Weird" Al Yankovic with the ORIGINAL Armageddon Christmas song, "Christmas at Ground Zero". Well, thank goodness we don't have to worry about THAT happening...unless Iraq, China or North Korea start getting REALLY cranky, that is. Tony: Here is our annual recital of the infamous fruitcake recipe we just found off the Internet... APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= Famous Fruitcake Recipe What you'll need: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky! Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon, of sugar or something. Whatever you can find! Grease the oven! Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed! ============================================================================= APPLAUSE! Scott: Well, what a recipe to follow! Right folks? D.T.: I think Mariah's ready now, Scott! LAUGHTER! APPLAUSE! Scott: I'm not going to ask you what you and Mariah were doing, so I'll just introduce her. Scott: Singing her Christmas carol from her Christmas CD here's our sweetheart, Mariah Carey! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! ============================================================================= "All I Want For Christmas Is You", by Mariah Carey I don't want a lot for Christmas There's just one thing I need I don't care about presents Underneath the Christmas tree I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true... All I want for Christmas Is you... I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need I don't care about presents Underneath the Christmas tree I don't need to hang my stocking There upon the fireplace Santa Claus won't make me happy With a toy on Christmas day I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true All I want for Christmas is you... You baby I won't ask for much this Christmas I won't even wish for snow I'm just gonna keep on waiting Underneath the mistletoe I won't make a list and send it To the North Pole for Saint Nick I won't even stay awake to Hear those magic reindeer click 'Cause I just want you here tonight Holding on to me so tight What more can I do Baby all I want for Christmas is you You... All the lights are shining So brightly everywhere And the sound of children's Laughter fills the air And everyone is singing I hear those sleigh bells ringing Santa won't you bring me the one I really need Won't you please bring my baby to me... Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas This is all I'm asking for I just want to see baby Standing right outside my door Oh I just want him for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true Baby all I want for Christmas is You... All I want for Christmas is you baby... (repeat) ============================================================================= APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! D.T.: Wow! What an audience! What a performance! Stupido: Uh, David? D.T.: What? Stupido: She's not demented? D.T.: So what? She's the cutest lady in the world! Stupido: But I thought you said that.... D.T.: Uh, later, Stu. Stupido: But you told me... D.T.: Run away and tell you mom she wants you. LAUGHTER! Stupido: But I thought... D.T.: I thought I'd introduce another act right now. Here is the new song just sent to me by Adam Sandler for all my Jewish friends. so ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler with his newest version of his Hanukkah song from 1997! APPLAUSE!! ============================================================================= "The Hanukkah Song '97" by Adam Sandler Time to take out the menorahs! Put on your yarmulke, It's time for Hanukkah, So much funukkah, To celebrate Hanukkah! APPLAUSE! Hanukkah is a festival of lights, Instead of one day of presents we have eight crazy nights! APPLAUSE! If you feel like the only kid in town, Without a Christmas tree, Here's a new list of people who are Jewish, Just like you and me! APPLAUSE! Winona Ryder drinks manachevitz wine, Then spins the dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Kline, Guess who gives and receives, Loads of Hanukkah toys, The girls from Veruca Salt, And all three Beastie Boys! APPLAUSE! Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish, Courtney Love is half too, Put them together, What a funky bad-ass Jew! We got Harvey Keitel, And Flashdancer Jennifer Beals, Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish, And yes her boobs are real! APPLAUSE! Put on a yamulke, It's time for Hanukkah, Two-Time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffmanukkah, Celebrates Hanukkah. O.J. Simpson, Still now a Jew, But guess who is? The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo! APPLAUSE! Bob Dylan was born a Jew, Then he wasn't, but now he's back, Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish, 'cause we're pretty good in the sack! APPLAUSE! Guess who got barmitzvah'd, On the PTA tour? No, I'm not talking about Tiger Woods, I'm talking about Mr. Happy Gilmore! APPLAUSE! So many Jews, Are in the Show biz, Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish, But my mother thinks he is! APPLAUSE! Put on your yamulke, It's time to celebrate Hanukkah, It's not pronounced CHAN-YOU-KAH, Cause it's silent as in Hanukkah, So read your Hooked On Phonikkah, Get drunk in Tijuanakkah, If you really wannaukkah, Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, HANUKKAH! HAPPY HANUKKAH! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! ============================================================================= APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!! APPLAUSE!!!!