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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

D.T.'s Stupid Xmas Special '97 Part 1

A D.T. Stupid Christmas Special!

PREFACE: Welcome to my Christmas Special Page. The only things your computer needs are the following to fully enjoy the rich content of my program:
  1. Any computer operating system. DOS and UNIX is fine with me.
  2. Any browser that can read eight-bit ASCII text.
  3. A rich imagination!
You don't need any Real Video player, no Shockwave or Java or any of that other junk out there! Just scroll down this page and follow along with your eyes, and let your mind interpret all the words in any way you like.

Ready, now, on with the show!



CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

What the @#$%#@$ is on TV tonight!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Commercial: Try new Eek, Eek, the mousetrap with snap!  Yes, get...

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Newsman: This just in.  It has been revealed that George Michael...
         is not gay!  Whatever you say George.  Whatever you...

WE INTERRUPT THIS BULLETIN TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN....

Newsman: This just in.  It has just been revealed that contrary to
         our earlier bulletin, George Michael is indeed gay.  I'm
         not gay.....not that there's anything wrong with it.  If
         that's who you are, then it's fine with me, heck, my
         father is gay...

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Network Announcer:  Stay tuned for Tomorrow, followed by Tonight, then
     Today, or is it Today after Tomorrow, or before Tonight comes
     Today, or was Today on Tomorrow after Tomorrow was on Today, or
     Tonight had Today?

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Where is that stupid David Tanny Christmas Show on what @#$#$ channel!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Scarlett: Oh Rhett, please don't leave, what will I do?
Rhett: Frankly my dear, I'm going to be a shortstop for Abbott and Costello's
       baseball team!
Scarlett: On really?  What will be your nickname?
Rhett: I Don't Give a Damn!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

ESPN: In football, Ryan Leaf of the San Diego Chargers has been traded to
      the U.S. Congress to replace one of the resigning Congressmen.  Seems
      that he happens to have the same qualifications as a Congressman, that
      is, he can fall asleep while the Speaker of the House is orating.

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

CNN Newsman: In Iraq, Saddam Hussein has defeated the United States for an
      unprecented fourth time in his history of ruling Iraq.  Next week, he
      will go into Double Jeopardy where the stakes are higher and the
      prizes doubled!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Commercial:  That's right!  Only 99,99,99  THAT'S 99,99,99!  Only 99,99,99!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Where is that stupid David Tanny Christmas Show on what @#$#$ channel!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!  El Nino does battle with Cold Warrior in the
   Ultimate Pay Per View Staged Wrestling Match Designed To Separate
   You From Your Money!  Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

Oh @#$@#$!  Where is that blasted Christmas show!

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!




ANNOUNCER: This is Channel 2,634.  Why, because we were assigned that channel
   number, dummies!


================


BEGIN SHOW!

Begin theme music!

Announcer Scott:  Almost live from somebody's basement, it's

    The David Tanny Stupid Christmas Special!

    with guest singers!

    The Arrogant Worms!
    Weird Al Yankovic!
    Red Peters!
    Arnie Aardvark!
    Yasmine Bleeth!
    Adam Sandler!
    Mariah Carey!
    Bob and Doug McKenzie
    Stan Freberg
    Wildman Fisher
    Elmo and Patsy
    The Waitresses
    Paddy Roberts
    Da Yoopers
    Alan Sherman
    Bob Rivers
    Jeff Foxworthy
    Will Smith
    Cheech and Chong
    Alyssa Milano
    Heywood Banks
    Jerry Lewis
    The Three Stooges
    Kip Addotta
    The Kinks
    Spike Jones
    Gayla Peevee
    Eddie Lawrence
    South Park kids
    Valerie Bertinelli
    Ed O'Neill
    Tom Lehrer
    Peanuts
    And a Special Appearance by Santa Claus!
    Plus other celebrity guests that pop up whenever they feel like it!


Announcer:  And now ladies and gentlemen, kids, space aliens, gays, lesbians,
    transvestites, transsexuals, undecideds, and other mixed genders,
    herrrrrrrrrrrres David!


PLAY XMAS THEME SONG
APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE! APPLAUSE!


D.T.: Thank you!

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: Thank you much!

APPLAUSE!


D.T.: Thank you and welcome to my Stupid Chirstmas Special celebrating
Christmas Day, the reason for the shopping season.

RIMSHOT!
LAUGHTER!!!

D.T.: But seriously, Christmas is a day when we can all have an excuse for
running up a credit card debt, hopefully on someone else's card!

LAUGHTER!!!

D.T.: The Christmas season brings us all kinds of Christmas specials...about
half of them being a run of "It's a Wonderful Life."

RIMSHOT!
LAUGHTER!

D.T.: President Clinton just adopted a new dog.  Boy, is Socks the cat jealous.
He's asking Santa to bring the dog a box of chocolates.

RIMSHOT!
APPLAUSE!

D.T.: That will satisfy Socks' wish on the list.  Anyway, welcome to my
Stupid Christmas Special, and if you're thinking that it's going to be like
the Kathie Lee Gifford christmas special, rest assurred, we're the ones that
pay our workers wages the equivalent of a contract NFL player.

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: Hey! We can afford paying those wages.  We're on Must See Network!

APPLAUSE!



D.T.:  Thank you!  Let's bring out my first singing guest, he once made a
big 10-inch...record of his songs for a mere $15 way back when he was a
college student, and this song that he wrote during his singing years is
ever so true today.  Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tom Lehrer!

APPLAUSE!!!


=============================================================================

"A Christmas Carol" by Tom Lehrer.


Christmas time is here, by golly
Disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly
Fill the cup and don't say "when"!

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
Mix the punch and drag out the Dickens
Even thought the prospect thickens,
Brother, here we go again!

   On Christmas Day, you can't get sore
   Your fellow man you must adore
   There's time to rob him all the more
   The other three-hundred and sixty-four

Relations sparring no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen-and-pencil
"Just the thing I need...how nice."

It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heart-felt the spirit
Sentiment'll not endear it
What's important is...the price!

        Hark!  The _Herald_Tribune_ sings
        Advertising wond'rous things

        God rest ye merry merchants;  may ye make the Yuletide pay!

        Angels we have heard on high
        Tell us to go out and buy!

        So.....

Let the raucous sleigh bells jingle
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle
Driving his reindeer across the sky...
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!


D.T.: How true today.  Well, it looks like...

Stupido:  Hey DEE-TEE!!!

D.T.: Uh, oh, here comes Surgeon Stupido.  Whazzup, man?

Stupido:  Oh, just decking some halls and silencing some nights while I sing
off key.  But, did you see the gift I'm giving Mike Tyson this year?

D.T.: Wait a minute, you're a big fan of Mike Tyson?

Stupido:  No really, I'm just sending him some frozen pigs ears to tie him
over the holidays!

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: Hey!!!

Stupido:  Gotta go, bye!

D.T.: And now, next up in my really big shew, we have for you tonight, a man
telling us all what he's getting for Christmas...Arnie Aardvark!


APPLAUSE!!!


=============================================================================

I Want A Blow Up Doll For Christmas
(Lyrics corrected by songwriter)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
(ARTIST)  Arnie Aardvark
(ALBUM)  None, but some of my songs are available at http://www.mp3.com/knowtalent
(LYRICS)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I Want a Blow Up Doll For Christmas"

I want a blow up doll for Christmas.
I want a girl I can inflate.
I saw one like I want in a girlie magazine --
I one that I hide between my matress and box springs.
I want a blow up doll for Christmas.
Hurry up, Santa, I can't wait!
I want a blow up doll for Christmas,
'Cause I know that she'll be the perfect mate.

She must be heavy-duty to resist wear and tear.
She'll come with a special set of sexy underwear.
I'll dress her like a hooker, then dress her for the prom,
Then let her air out, fold her up, and hide her from my mom.

She won't talk so I won't have to call her on the phone.
I won't have to comb her hair because it's printed on.
Her lips will be shaped like an "O" and painted ruby red.
I'll have to hide her from my friends --she'll be a real airhead.

Oh, I want a blow up doll for Christmas.
I want a girl with vinyl flesh.
She must have a pretty face up above her neck.
The rest of her body must be anatomically correct.
I want a blow up doll for Christmas.
I think I'll call her Judy or Beth.
I want a blow up doll for Christmas,
'Cause real girls, they scare me half to death!



Eric Brown
a.k.a Arnie Aardvark
K.N.O.W. Talent Agency
Kreations Nobody Oughta Want
Charlotte, NC
http://www.mp3.com/knowtalent
http://home.carolina.rr.com/esbrown


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!


D.T.: Well, I hope he's having fun with his girlfriend.  She's got more
personality than Janet Reno.

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: In my hand is David Letterman's Top Ten List!

APPLAUSE! PLAY THEME MUSIC!

D.T.: This year's Top Ten List was stolen off the Internet in the
humor newsgroup, who, in turn, stole it from the show, but what the
heck, here it is...


TOP 10 SIGNS YOU WON'T BE RECEIVING A CHRISTMAS BONUS THIS YEAR
David Letterman, December 11, 1996

10. Coworkers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"

9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at
the embezzlement trial

8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips

7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
closet"

6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the
way out"

5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to
wear pants

4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under
avalanche of stolen office supplies

3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks
your jaw

2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap" appeared
78 times

and the #1 sign....

1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets


APPLAUSE! PLAY MUSIC!

D.T. (clear throat and speak in deep fast voice): The Top Ten Lists are
(c)1997 by Worldwide Pants Ltd.  All rights reserved.  Be sure to catch David
Letterman, who read my letter on his show in 1991, on the CBS TV Network,
Mondays thru Fridays at 11:35ET/PT, 10:35CT.

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: You want to see the clip of my letter read on David Letterman back
from 1991?

CHEERS! APPLAUSE!

D.T.: OK, hey, Scott, can you please roll the clip please?

SILENCE

D.T.: Can you please roll the clip, Scott?


=============================================================================

[CUT TO SLIDE WITH ONLY THE WORDS "PROPERTY OF NBC", and play the notes on
your xylophone: G-E-C.]

=============================================================================

D.T.: Oh, I'm sorry, the network has intellectual rights on that clip.

BOOOO!!!!  HISSS!!!!! BOOO!!!!!

D.T.: I guess we don't must have to see them anyway, do we?

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: Adam Sandler recently recorded a newer version of his Hanukkah song,
but we will hear that new version a bit later, but right now, here is the
original version.  Adam Sandler, everybody!

APPLAUSE!  

=============================================================================

"The Hanukkah Song", by Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke,
Here comes Hanukkah,
So much Funakkah,
To celebrate Hanukkah...

Hanukkah is
The festival of lights.
Instead of one day of presents
We have eight crazy nights.

So when you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree,
Here's a list of people who are Jewish,
Just like you and me.

David Lee Roth Lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, And the late Dinah Shor-a

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from Sha-Na-Na and Arthur Fonzerelli.

Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too.
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew.

You don't need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
'Cuz you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (Both Jewish).

Put on your yamulke, it's time for Hanukkah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicas celebrates Hanukkah.

O.J. Simpson.  Not a Jew.
But guess who is?  Hall of Famer Rod Karew. (He converted.)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby.
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish.  Not too Shabby.

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not.  But guess who is?  All Three Stooges.

So many Jews are in show-biz.
Tom Cruise isn't but I heard his agent is.

So tell your friend Veronica
To celebrate Hanukkah.

I hope I get a harmonica
On this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin and tonica
And smoke your marijuanica

If you really really wannakkah
Have a happy happy happy happy Hanukkah.

Happy Hanukkah.

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!

D.T.: In 1997, the movie Men in Black became a huge summer smash.  Will Smith,
the person formerly known as The Fresh Prince, currently has a hit album and
several singles on urban radio being played, as well as reruns of his hit
sitcom.  Gary S. Jones wrote a parody of the song "Men in Black" into a
Christmas song about Santa Claus, and Will liked it so much that he agreed to
sing it on this show.  So, ladies and gentlemen...Will Smith!

APPLAUSE!!

=============================================================================

"Man in Red"; sung to the tune of "Men in Black"


Here comes the Man in Red
It's the Santa C. (ho ho here comes Santa C.)
Here comes the Man in Red
Only in December

Ho Ho Ho
The fat guy dresses in red, rides in a sled
If you ever come face to face, go back to bed,
The title held by me... Santa C.
I'm what you think you saw, in your chimney.
So don't think that Saint Nick is gone
He's now going red suit with the big black boots on.
Pulled by Rudolph, move in silence,
Doesn't put up with any reindeer violence,
But yo I ain't on no government list,
I straight don't exist
No names and no fingerprints,
Saw something strange
Watch your back
Cause you never quite know where the Santa C's is at
Ho and...

Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Holiday defender
Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Only in December (Ho-ho ho-ho)

Now from the deepest of the darkest of night
On the horizon, red light enter foggy night
Rudolph zooms, on the impending moon
But then like BOOM a red suit fills the room up
With the quickness of my helpuz
Christmatize-a, stocking stuff-a,
Vivid memories turn to fantasies
Check my list twice for the good kiddies
Give a toy that's the way to do it
Quickly, so I get home before Mrs. C. gets wicked on me
I'm your first, last and only chance to get what you want
In the whole universe
So don't fear me, cheer me
If you ever get near me, don't jeer me
I'm jolly
Santa C's pleazin' up all the kids
What's my name, yo?
Man In Red.

Ho, and,
The Man in Red
With the Man in Red

Let me see ya just wrap it with me
Just wrap it with me
Just wrap it with me c'mon
Let me see ya just sled with me
Just sled with me
Just sled with me c'mon
Let me see ya take a leave a cookie for me
Leave a cookie for me
Leave a cookie for me c'mon
And make your chimney work
Now sleep.

Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Holiday Defender
Here comes the Man in Red (Man in Red)
Only in December (oh nooo)

Alright check it
Let me tell you this in closin'
I know I might seem imposin'
But trust me, if you believe in the North Pole
Your stocking won't be full of coal
Cuz I put the things that are under your tree
And I be places that you cannot see
So go with your break,
Forget that homework dread
Show love to the red suit
Cuz that's the man in
That's the man in...

Here comes the Man in Red (Here he comes)
Holiday defender (Holiday defender)
Here come the Man in Red (ohh here he comes)
Only in December (only in December)

Gary S. Jones 
ALPHA Mailing List 

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: Next up, we go to the deep South.  No, not Antarctica, not that deep,
but here is yet another contribution to the Twelve Days of Christmas line,
Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

APPLAUSE!!!

=============================================================================

"The Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas", by Jeff Foxworthy


Legend:
 J: Jeff
 F: Friend (also voiced by Jeff) 
 C: Chorus


F: WHOH!  Somebody done been to the Wal-Mart!
J: No, man.  This is just the stuff I got for Christmas.
F: You cleaned up!  Whatcha get?
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: Jeff, I think you got gypped.  There's TWELVE days to Christmas!
J: I know that.  I got it covered.  Look over there in the corner.
F: That's yours, too?!?
J: Yeah,...
C: (In background while last two lines were spoken) On the twelve days of
   Christmas, my true love sent to me:
J: Twelve-pack of Bud
   Eleven rasslin' tickets
   "Ten" (tin) of "Copenhagen"
   Nine years probation
   Eight table dancers
   Sever packs of "Red Man"
   Six cans of Spam...(whew)
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: Man, them ain't normal Christmas presents.
J: Naw, they're "redneck" gifts.
F: "Redneck" gifts?
J: Yeah, you know.  Like if you bought your wife earrings that double as 
   fishing lures.
   Or if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells"
   Perhaps if you think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the high 
   dive.
   Or if you've ever misspelled anything in Christmas lights
   Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.
F: What's wrong with that?
J: I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, but it's hard to beat...
   Twelve-pack of Bud
   Eleven rasslin' tickets
   "Ten" of "Copenhagen"
   Nine years probation
   Eight table dancers
   Sever packs of "Red Man"
   Six cans of Spam...(whew)
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: You know, you can't really consider it a Christmas 'less you go down to
   the penitentiary 't visit to yer mama.
J: You're not listening to me...get the car key out of your ear.  That's 
   where the "nine months probation" comes in.  I'm gonna do it for ya
   again;  now listen:

   Twelve-pack of Bud
   Eleven rasslin' tickets
   "Ten" of "Copenhagen"
   Nine years probation
   Eight table dancers
   Sever packs of "Red Man"
   Six cans of Spam...
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four Piedmont tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT

   Are you cryin'?
F: (snif) No, it's just my allergies.
J: Happy Holidays, everybody.



=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!


D.T.: Thank you Jeff!  Thanks for the gift you sent me last year.  Cheez-Wiz.
It works great for fixing leaking plumbing pipes as well as a snack.

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: Excellent redneck gift.   Now ladies and gentlemen, we go from the near
South to the Great White North, here's Bob and Doug McKenzie from SCTV!


APPLAUSE!!!


=============================================================================

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" by Bob and Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and
Dave Thomas)


(B: Bob   D: Doug   C: Chorus)

B: OK, good day.  This is our Christmas part of the album.  You can play this 
   at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if there's 
   nothin' else to do.
D: Good day, eh?  In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.
B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on.  OK, so good day.  This is the Christmas
   part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get..um...your true love for 
   Christmas.
D: Look out the window!
B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin'?!?
D: Snow, hosehead!
B: Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's
   Christmastime.  Hey, hoser!
D: What?
B: Here's a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug...
D: OK, I have my "thinking took" on.
B: Yeah, right.  What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause, figure it
   out, right?  Christmas is when?
D: Um, the twenty-fifth...
B: Right.  And, what's the twenty-fourth...Christmas Eve, right?  So..
D: That's two
B: That's two.  And, then what's after that? (pause) Boxing Day
D: Wrestling Day
B: Wrestl..get out!
D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
B: That's three.  Then, what's after that?  Nothin'!
D: New Year's!
B: Four and what's...
D: New Year's Eve?
B: That's five.  Where do ya get twelve?
D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there;  that's four.  So, that's
   nine.  And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.
(Music starts)
B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don't know what to get 
   someone for Christmas.
D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck! (organ
   starts) By the way, that's ME on the organ.
B: Oh, geez.
D: You start...
B: OK...

   On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   A beer.

D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.

   On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: There should be more there, eh?
B: Where?  Oh, go!

D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Four pounds of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: ...in a tree.  See, you need more.

B: Oh..fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Five golden tooks,
D: Four pound of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle necks
B: And a beer...where?
D: (with Bob) In a tree.

B: OK, on the sixth...oo, go!
D: ..Christmas, my true love gave to me,
C: Six...
D: Six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden tooks
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK.

   On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Seven pack of smokes,
C: Nice gift!
D: Nice gift.  Oh...six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden tooks.
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree.  Keep forgetting.
D: Whew!  This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas";  it's too hard for
   us!  Go, hoser.

B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, may true love gave to me,
D: Eight comic books
(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
B & D: Seven packs of smokes
       Six pack of two-four
B: Five...
C: (catches up) Five golden tooks
   Four pounds of back-bacon
   Three French toast
   Two turtle-necks
ALL: And a beer...
B & D: On my tree.
B: Yeah, that beer is empty.  OK, day, um...
C: TWELVE!
B: Twelve!
D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve..
(Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)
ALL: Five golden tooks
     Four pounds of back-bacon,
     Three French toast
     Two turtle-necks
     And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
D: Where'd you learn to do that?
B: Um, albums.
D: So, like, that's our song.  Merry Christmas...
B: Merry Christmas!
D: And good day!
B: Good day!  Ha-happy New Year, too.
D: Shhh!
B: OK, you know what you left out?
D: What?
B: Donuts!
D: Oh, no!
B: I told you to get donuts.  Either on the ninth day, or the tenth day or
   the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
D: OK, the song's over!  Merry Christmas, everybody!
B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts...
D: So,..go out to the stores and get some presents!
B: You could've gone down, to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a 
   dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the 
   "Thirteen Days of Christmas"!
D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw!
B: Take off!
(As music fades:)
D: Boy, that song was a beauty.  It...it moved me.
B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven".
D: What?




=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!   APPLAUSE!


D.T.: OK, now folks, we have....

Tony: Hey DAVID!!!

D.T.: Hey, it's Tony!  How have you been?

Tony: Boy you wouldn't believe what I went through to get some Christmas shopping
done, I mean, what a bunch of crowds I had to wade through, what traffic I had
to endure, what a lot of...

D.T.: You didn't get anything yet, did you?

Tony: No, I forgot to buy some gifts.

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: Well, now you're coming to me for some...

Tony: Credit card?

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: Um, say what?

Tony: You know, I need some money to buy some gifts and my boxing career has been
in the dumps.  Thanks to Mike Tyson taking a bite out of my financial future.

LAUGHTER!

D.T.: What's with all this Mike Tyson jokes on my show tonight?

Tony: Well, I'm overrun on my credit cards and I wanted to borrow yours to pay
off my cards so I can spend some money again.

D.T.: Sure, but what do you have as collateral?

Tony: Um, O.J. Simpson trading cards?

D.T.: Sorry. The value of those was recently slashed.

LAUGHTER!

Tony: Well I'm not sure.

D.T.: Well, Tony, let's talk about this in private to end this stupid sketch
while my audience enjoys a Christmas carol from Spike Jones and His City
Slickers!


APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth", by Spike Jones

(Spoken:)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse
Suddenly, I heard a strange noise down below
So, in my flannel pajamas, I went tippy-toe
I could see old Saint Nick from the spot where I stood
So I slid down the banister just as fast as I could
(slide down and crash.  Then sings:)

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
My two front teeth
See my two front teeth
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth
Then I can wish you Merry Christmas

        It seems so long since I could say,
        "Sister Suzie sitting on a thistle"
        Every time I try to speak
        All I do is whistle

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
My two front teeth
See my two front teeth?
Gee, if I could only have my two front teeth
Then I can wish you Merry Christmas

(sound effects)

        Good old Santa Claus and all his reindeer
        They used to bring me lots of toys and candy
        Gee, but now when I go outside and yell, "Dancer, Prancer, Donner
                and Blitzen",
        None of them can understand me! (sob)

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.
My two front teeth
See my two front teeth?
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
So I can wish you Merry Christmas...
Christmas...
Christmas...

Oh, for goodness sakes...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: While you were listening to that song, I suggested to Tony to ask
Santa for some money, which brings me to introducing this song from
The Kinks, right here!

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Father Christmas" by The Kinks

When I was small I believed in Santa Clause
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I'd be glad

But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor

They said:
"Father Christmas, give us some money
Don't mess around with those silly toys.
We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys

"Don't give my brother a real trashy outfit
 Don't give my sister a cuddly toy
 We don't want a jigsaw or monopoly money
 We only want the real McCoy

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed
 Father Christmas, give us some money
 Don't mess around with those silly toys

"But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one
 He's got lots of mouths to feed
 But if you've got one, I'll have a machine gun
 So I can scare all the kids down the street

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We got no time for your silly toys
 We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
 Give all the toys to the little rich boys

Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We got no time for your silly toys
 We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
 We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed

"Father Christmas, give us some money
 We got no time for your silly toys
 We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
 Give all the toys to the little rich boys


=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!


D.T.:  Sure Santa Claus can bring you gifts if you've been nice, but what
happens to kids when they've been naughty and Santa arrives?  Here's what
Santa does in this new song by The Arrogant Worms from their newest CD
"Christmas Turkey", here's what happens to the kids who have been nothing
but bad.  The Arrogant Worms!


APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass", by The Arrogant Worms


Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
He's gonna kick your ass,
He's gonna kick your ass,
Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause you've always been a rotten little brat!

The reindeer gone mad, they're gonna bite your ear,
They're gonna chew you up,
They're gonna swallow your kitty cat,
The reindeer gone mad, they're gonna eat your bagonias,
'Cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month!

Santa's comin' in, he's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause he's sick of shoveling show and reindeer poo!

Elves are comin in, gonna steal your turkey,
Wreck your TV,
Burn down your Christmas tree,
Elves are comin in, they're gonna trash your home,
'Cause they ain't got nothin' else to do!

Santa's loaded with attitude,
Loud and drunk and smelly and rude,
His workshop's been closed by an auditor,
and Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor.

Santa's comin' in, he's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
He's gonna (KICK!) kick your ass,
Santa's comin' in, he's gonna kick your ass,
'Cause he's had not a really perfect year!



=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

D.T.:  Well, on the other hand, Santa just might rather force you to sing
a corny Christmas song instead.  Here's Red Peters!

APPLAUSE!

=============================================================================

"Holy @#$%, It's Christmas", by Red Peters



[sounds of Santa's sled]

Hey man!  Did you hear that?

Hey everybody!  Santa's here!

Awww!  There ain't no Santa Claus!

Yes there is!


[KNOCK! KNOCK!]


He's here!  He's here!


Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey Santa!

Santa: Merry Christmas!

BLEEP Red Peters!

Santa: Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here!  We're gonna sing us a
happy Christmas song!

Oh no, not another corny stupid song!
Yea, no way, man!

Santa: Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little neck!

OK! OK! OK!



BEGIN SONG!

SANTA SINGS!

So grab your nuts, hamsters, gather 'round with me,
Forget about all that teasin',
We're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree,
'Cause, it's that jolly season!

I know you've been naughty, but have you been nice?
That's only Santa's business,
He's making his list and checking it twice,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

HAMSTERS SING!

Santa comes just once a year,
Just like you wet, that's what we hear,
He's got a soft spot for reindeer,
'specially Rudolph's derierre!

SANTA SINGS!

Hey, knock it off fellas, it's a holiday,
Go on, get Santa a big kiss,
You can play hide the hamster on a one-horse sleigh,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!


Santa: Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet?  Anyone seen my lyrics?

Hamsters: Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red!  We know our parts by
heart! Right fellas?

Yea, sure!  I know my parts alright!

Santa: Well, that's great, guys.  I love Christmas songs.


HAMSTERS SING!

Santa tried reaching up a neighbor's blouse,
After drinking all the egg nog, (IS THAT SO?)
Santa's in the bathroom for an hour or two,
Squashing off a Yule log, (IS THAT NECESSARY!)
He's watered his undies all over his house,
But what he did was our business, (OH NO!)
Til' we got our little hamsters a different tune,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

SANTA SINGS!

Santa just comes once a year,
Up the chimney, then he'll disappear,

HAMSTERS SING!

He's gonna look out for Mr. Gear,
And start that little deer in the rear!

SANTA SINGS!
Roast nuts chesting on an open fire,
Santa's tongue stuck to the doorknob,  (what?)
His balls got fondled by a caroling choir,
While the person gave him a hic...  (WHAT?)
The sleigh came down and took him away,
The whole damn crowd was dismissed,

ALL SING!
Cause its time to be jolly at this time of the year,
Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

Holy BLEEP!

Holy BLEEP it's Christmas!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Holy BLEEEEEEEEEEEP,
It's CHRISSSSSSTMAAAAASSSS!




=============================================================================

APPLAUSE!

D.T.: And you can find that song from the CD "I Laughed, I Cried, I Fudged My
Undies"!  And now folks, we have...



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