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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 9

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 9 (Leftover Turkeys)

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----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

Hello, there.  This is Chris Wolvie with "The 24 Sours of Christmas".
Well,
the rest of our songs didn't fit into any particular subject...so, we
just
call them the "leftovers" of the group.  We start off with Red Peters...

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SFX: Jingling bells, intro music bed, etc.
(off in the distance) Ho, ho, ho.....
Hamster #1: Did you hear that?
Hamster #2: Hey everybody, Santa's here!
Hamster #3: Aw, there ain't no Santa Claus.
Hamster #2: There is, too!
SFX: knock on door
Hamsters: He's here!!!
SFX: door bursts open
Red: Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas boys!
Hamsters: Awww... (grumbling in unison)
Hamster #1: Aw, sh*t, it's Red Peters...
Red: Come on you swinging hamsters, get over here.  We're gonna sing us
a
     happy Christmas song..
Hamster #1: Oh no, not another corny, stupid song.
Hamster #2: Yeah, no way Red.
Hamsters: Yeah, yeah...

Red: Get over here and sing or I'll ring your little necks!
Hamsters: OK!, OK!...jeesh!

SUNG
Grab your nuts hamsters, gather round with me
Forget about all that teasin'
We're breakin' out the holly and aluminum tree
Cuz it's that jolly season
I know you been naughty, but have you been nice
That's only Santa's business
He's makin' his list and he's checkin' it twice
Holy sh*t, It's Christmas!

Hamsters: Santa comes just once a year
                (Sing it, hamsters!)
          Just like you Red, that's what we hear
                (Hey, WAIT a minute!)
          He's got a soft spot for reindeer...
                (Aw, that's nice...)
          Especially Rudolph's derriere
                (Hey!)

Knock it off, fellas, it's a holiday
Go on and give Santa a big kiss (No way!)
You can play hide the hamster on a one horse sleigh (Hey!)
Holy sh*t, It's Christmas!

(instrumental)

Red: Hey, what happened to my lyric sheet?  Anyone seen my lyrics?
Hamster #1: Heck, we don't need no lyric sheets, Red.
             We know our parts by heart.  Right fellas? (giggles)
Hamster #2: Yeah, I know my part, Godfried. (giggles)
Hamster #3: Yah, me too! (giggles)
Red: Well that's great guys, I love Christmas songs.

Bruce:       Santa tried reaching up the neighbors blouse
             After drinking all the eggnog
                (Is that necessary?!?)
Godfried:    Camped out in the bathroom for an hour or two
             Squashing off a yule log
                (GODFRIED!)
Raliegh:     He wandered in his undies all over the house
             But we minded our own business
                (Oh, brother!)
Hamsters: Til we caught him stuffing hamsters up a gift wrap tube

All: Holy sh*t, It's Christmas!

Red:      Santa comes just once a year
          Up the chimney he'll disappear
Hamsters: Keep on the look out for Mr. Gear
          Hamster deliveries in the rear

Red: (grabbing the lyric sheet, speaking...) Gimme those lyrics!!!

Roastnuts chestin' on an open fire
Santa's tongue stuck to the doorknob...what?
His balls got fondled by a carolin' choir
While the parson gave him a hand... what?!?
The sleigh came down and took him away
That whole damn crowd was dismissed
'Cause it's time to be jolly, a time to be gay
Holy sh*t, It's Christmas!  (Holy sh*t, It's Christmas!)
Holy sh*t, It's Christmas!
Holy sh*t,......It's Christ-mas!

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(Tune: "Winter Wonderland")

At the office Christmas party
I started off with a Bicardi
        I never get saused
        But, right now, I'm lost!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

I had a beer at my brother's
Had egg nog at my mother's
        Then three bottles of wine...
        Which automobile's mine?
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

        Someone caught me dancing with a snowman
        Policeman came and put me in his car
        He said, "Are you drunk?" and I said, "No, man,
        But could you drop me off at the next bar?" (HEH-HEH)

I guess my wife must be missing.
Who's this dog that I'm kissing?
        They say his name's Spot
        And he likes me..a lot!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

        I was looking for a lady I could dance with
        So I stood beneath the mistletoes
        Someone said, "You'd have a better chance if
        You take the lampshade off and put back on your clothes!"
        (A lampshade!  Isn't that the best?!>)

Time to be going.
I'm naked...is it still snowing?
        It's time I should leave...
        I'll be back New Year's Eve!!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!
It's Christmas and I wonder where I am!

Have you seen my hat; I wouldn't want to freeze.
What a party!  Don't you wish you were me?!?!?

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Dudley Moron with "It's Christmas and I Wonder Where I Am".  Before
that, Red
Peters with "Holy Shhhhhh...oot, It's Christmas!"...which is what I'LL
be
saying when I realize I haven't finished my shopping yet.  Hell, I
haven't
even started DECORATING yet.  But, y'know, hearing this next song, I
don't
think I'll WANT to do that.  Here's "Wreck the Halls With Balls of
Holly" by
Mr. Howard, Mr. Fine and Mr. Howard...the Three Stooges...

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(Tune: Deck the Halls)
(M: Moe   L: Larry   C: Curly Joe)

(Spoken:)
M: 'Tis the night before Christmas and all through the town
   Everything's coming loose; everything's falling down
(sounds of things falling and crashing)
   Be careful with that holly!
L: Don't nail anything to the wall, I'm warnin' ya.  Use Scotch tape;
Scotch
   tape is better!
C: For paper, it's good.  For holly, it's rotten!
M: Watch out what you hang on that chandelier; it's not strong!
C: Tinsel.  Tinsel.  It's only tinsel.
L: It's too MUCH tinsel!
C: What harm could one more teensy weensy piece of tinsel do?  Here, let
me
   show you...there.  See?  AHHHHHH! (chandelier crashes)
M: Though we hang our gay decorations with care,
L: The whole house is a mess,
M:                            and we cry in despair!
ALL: (crying, then singing:)
     Don't wreck the halls with boughs of holly.
     Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
     Decorating can be folly.
     Fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol-ly-fol
     (more crashes)

(Spoken:)
M: I _told_ you it wouldn't hold!  You wouldn't listen! (SLAP!)
C: Oooh, that hurt!
M: No, it didn't!  THIS one will hurt! (SLAP!)
C: OOOOW!  Hey, you're right!

(Sung:)
ALL: Holly leaves are sharp like stingers
     Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
     Handle them with dainty fingers
     Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

(Spoken:)
C: Ooh, my finger!  It's bleedin'!
M: Serve ya right; I _told_ you it was sharp!
   The tree is not straight!
L: It's leaning.
M: It's too much decorations on the left side!
L: No, it's NOT ENOUGH decorations on the left side!
C: You're BOTH wrong; it's not enough on the top!  Here, I'll show ya!
L: No, no, don't put anything more on the top!
M: Come down from there!  Watch out what you're doin'!
C: Oooh!  Whoa!
L: It's dangerous!  I'm warnin' ya, I'm tellin' ya it's...
M: TIMMM-BERRRRRRRRRR! (tree and Curly crashes)
   C'mon, Larry, let's get Curly Joe out from under that tree again.

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(Tune: "It's a Beautiful Life" by Ace of Base)

Every Christmas, I turn on my T.V.
Just to see Jimmy Stewart as George Bailey
What would make him consider giving up...
His life...oh-ohh...

        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        I like watching it ev'ry Christmas
        (Oh, help poor Clarence get his wings...)

Take a walk through the streets of Bedford Falls
Old Man Potter is mean, he almost owns it all
Can he eat up that small building and loan...
In his dreams...oh-ohh...

        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        I like watching it ev'ry Christmas..
        (Oh...yeah....all right...)
        I like watching it ev'ry Christmas
        (Oh, help poor Clarence get his wings...)

    But eight-thousand dollars makes George roam
    He's standing all alone
    And wishing he never had been born
    Now and forever...

        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        Can his friends get him home this Christmas?

        Oh, yeah...allright!
        It's a Wonderful Life!
        Oh, yeah...allright!
        It's a Wonderful Life!

        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!  Oh-ohohoh..
        It's a Wonderful Life!

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Yes, that was us, again.  The shmucks from K-RUD themselves with another
original song, "It's A Wonderful Life".  Shame NBC only shows it two or
three
times a year now.  Anyhow, I got this song from a Ronald E. Hontz in
Baltimore.  It's from a DJ named Steve Rouse of WQSR 105.7 FM and his
group
called "Stevie & The Satellites".  Their album is "How Rouse Screwed Up
Christmas!", and the song is "Walkin' In a Wedgie Wonderland"...owie...

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(sung to the tune of Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland)

Something's wrong, I can feel it.
A little gas, I can squeal it.
    I'm skipping around
    Wearing a frown
Walking in a wedgie wonderland.

People stare; wish they'd stop it.
Unaware I can pop it.
    A pinch and a bind
    Right up my behind
Walking in a wedgie wonderland.

        Find a place so you can really pull it;
        Gotta wait 'til there is no one left.
        If you see someone you'd better cool it
        'Cause they don't want to see your glutteal cleft.

Oh my cheeks, they feel sunburned.
Size is wrong, that's what I've learned.
    I dance all around
    Maybe rub on the ground
Walking in a wedgie wonderland.

        In the laundry it is such a bad scene.
        Things you never thought that you would see.
        Creases won't come out and so you pitch them
        'cause Spray & Wash don't do that much for me.

Oh my pants, they're a-cryin'
While my buns, they're a-fryin'
    My pants are too tight
    I think that I might
Be walking in a wedgie wonderland. (Spoken: I know I am!)
Walking in a wedgie wonderland; (Spoken: Can't get it out!!)
Walking in a wedgie wonderland. (Spoken: Oh, it's so uncomfortable!)

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        Grandma got run over by a reindeer
        Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
        You can say there's no such thing as Santa
        But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She'd been drinking too much egg nog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication
And she staggered out the door into the snow

When we found her Christmas morning
At the seen of the attack,
She had hoofprints on her forehead
And incriminating claws-marks on her back!

        Grandma got run over by a reindeer
        Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
        You can say there's no such thing as Santa
        But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now, we're all so proud of Grandpa
He's been taking it so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Nell

It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
(SEND THEM BACK!)

        Grandma got run over by a reindeer
        Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
        You can say there's no such thing as Santa
        But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig (AH!)
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig

I warned all my friends and neighbors:
"Better watch out for yourselves!"
They should NEVER give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves!

        Grandma got run over by a reindeer
        Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
        You can say there's no such thing as Santa
        But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe

SING IT, GRANDPA!

        Grandma got run over by a reindeer
        Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
        You can say there's no such thing as Santa
        But, as for me and Grandpa, we believe

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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And THAT'S the way to end this show...the classic Elmo & Patsy hit
"Grandma
Got Run Over By a Reindeer". *sighs* Well, folks, that's about it for
this
pirate broadcast.  On behalf of the staff and crew here at K-RUD, this
is your
pronouncticator, Chris Wolvie saying the following: to my Catholic
friends
out there, Merry Christmas;  to my Jewish friends, Happy Chanukah;  to
my
African-American friends, Happy Kwanzaa;  for my many pagan friends,
Happy
Solistice;  for my atheist friends,...er, um,...hope you win the
lottery, I
guess;  and for everyone, regardless of religion, color, creed or
ability,
have a Happy and Prosperous New Year!  Now...make like Atlantis and GET
LOST!
I gotta party to get back to!


(Manheim Steamroller's "Deck The Halls" play to fade)

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=====

Okay, let's get this "legal" sh*t outta the way...

All these songs have been used with neither consent of the artists nor
worry
about copyright infringements.  Take caution if you wish to reproduce
these
song lyrics.  They, also, may not be entirely accurate, but, for
heaven's
sakes, don't bother to contact me to bitch about the accuracy.  Complain
and
correct, yes, but do NOT bitch!

"Let it Blow!  Let it Blow!  Let it Blow!" is @copyright 1995 of Wolvie
Enterprises, distrubuted by King Weird.  "It's a Wonderful Life" is
@copyright 1999 by the same.  Do not use without the expressed written
consent of yours truly.

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