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24 Sours Part 8

The 24 Sours of Christmas




"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 8 (And, now, a commercialism...)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

"The 24 Sours of Christmas" has returned.  I'm Chris Wolvie.  OK, pop
quiz,
hotshot: what are Christmas, Chanukah and Kwaanza all about?  Don't
know, do
you?  Forgot all about the birthday of the Savior, or how one day's
worth of
oil lasted for eight, huh?  Sadly, what Lucy says in "A Charlie Brown
Christmas" seems to be coming true: Christmas HAS become a big
commercial
racket.  Of course, this wasn't news to Paddy Roberts, a British
comedian who,
in 1962, wrote of the.."Dark Side" of the holidays.  Seems he was quite
the
psychic (or is that psychotic) when he made this lovely carol, titled,
"Merry
Christmas,...You Suckers"!

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Merry Christmas, you suckers; you miserable men
That old festive feeling is with you again
You'll be spending your money on cartloads of junk
And, from here 'till New Year, you'll be drunk as a skunk

Merry Christmas, you suckers; it's perfectly clear
That you fall for it all a bit sooner each year
If it goes on like this, you will find pretty soon
You're singing "White Christmas" as early as June

        This Christmas card racket
        Will cost you a packet
        Each season, it seems to expand
        The cards are so clever
        Though nothing whatever
        To do with the subject at hand

You'll be taking the kids 'round the multiple stores
To be frightened to death by some old Santa Claus
Then it's parties with spirits and "vino" and beer...
Merry Christmas, you suckers, and a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas, you suckers; you blurry-eyed lot
You'll never get rid of that headache you've got
But I hope you'll feel splendid;  you certainly should
With your stomachs distended with turkey and "pud"

Merry Christmas, you suckers; jump into your cars
Roar off to your neighbors to "sink a few jars"
Though your vision is doubled, just keep smiling through
There are others in trouble a lot worse than you

        Beyond any question
        Acute indigestion
        Will plague you and make you unwell
        You won't take the warning;
        You'll wake up each morning
        Undoubtedly feeling like hell

But, stick to it, suckers; go swallow a pill
For this is the season of peace and good will
While we patiently wait for that nuclear blast....

Merry Christmas, you suckers; it may be your last!

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Christmas time is here, by golly
Disapproval would be folly
Deck the halls with hunks of holly
Fill the cup and don't say "when"!

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens
Mix the punch and drag out the Dickens
Even though the prospect thickens,
Brother, here we go again!

   On Christmas Day, you can't get sore
   Your fellow man you must adore
   There's time to rob him all the more
   The other three-hundred and sixty-four

Relations sparring no expense'll
Send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen-and-pencil
"Just the thing I need...how nice."

It doesn't matter how sincere it
Is, nor how heart-felt the spirit
Sentiment'll not endear it
What's important is...the price!

        Hark!  The _Herald_Tribune_ sings
        Advertising wond'rous things

        God rest ye merry merchants; may ye make the Yuletide pay!

        Angels we have heard on high
        Tell us to go out and buy!

        So.....

Let the raucous sleigh bells jingle
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle
Driving his reindeer across the sky...
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!

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Tom Lehrer again with "A Christmas Carol".  That is also in the CD box
set
"The Remains of Tom Lehrer" as well as the CD "An Evening Wasted with
Tom
Lehrer".  Now we visit Madison Avenue and the ad company owned by Mr.
Scrooge
and how THEY exploit the holiday season.  Here's Stan Freberg's "Green
Chri$tma$"...

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(singing)
Man 1:   Good morning
Woman 1: Good morning
Man 2:   Good morning, Mr. Scrooge
Man 3:   Morning, Mr. Scrooge
Woman 2: Morning, Mr. Scrooge
Man 4:                Morning, Mr. Scrooge
Scrooge: Bah, humbug, ev'rybody!
Group:   Good morning, Mr. Scrooge
Scrooge: Well, the meeting will come to order if you please
         Are all the advertising people represent here?
Group:   Ev'ryone except Amalagamated Cheese (Amalagamated Cheese)

(speaking)
Scrooge: Well, if they're not here for the "Christmas pitch", I can't
help
         them find new ways of tying their products into Christmas.
That's
         why I'm chairman of this board...let's hear it for me...
Group: HERE, HERE!
Scrooge: All right, Abecrombie, what are your people up to?
Abecrombie: Aw, same thing as every year: 50,000 billboards showing
Santa
            Claus pausing to refresh himself with our product.
Scrooge: Um-hmm, well, I think the public has come to accept that and,
uh...
Abecrombie: That's right; it's become "tradition".
Scrooge: Fine, fine.  You, there, Crass; I suppose your company is
running the
         usual magazine ads showing cartons of your cigarettes peeking
out of
         the top of Santa's sack?
Crass: Better than that.  This year, we have him SMOKING one.
Scrooge: Um-hmm
Crass: Yes.  Got Santa a little more rugged, too; both sleeves rolled up
and a
       tattoo on each arm.  One of the them says, "Merry Christmas".
Scrooge: What does the other one say?
Crass: "Less Tars"
Scrooge: Great stuff!
Cratchit: But, Mr. Scrooge...
Scrooge: What?  Who are you?
Cratchit: Bob Cratchit, sir.  I've got a little spice company over in
East
          Orange, New Jersey.  Do I have to tie my product into
Christmas?
Scrooge: What do you mean?
Cratchit: Well, I was just going to send cards out showing the Three
Wise Men
          following the Star of Bethlehem.
Scrooge: I get it...and they're bearing your spices!  Now, that's
perfect!
Cratchit: No, no, no.  No product in it.  I was just gonna say, "Peace
on
          Earth, Goodwill Toward Men", period.
Group: (ad lib) That's a peculiar slogan.  I dunno about that...
Scrooge: Old hat, Cratchit!  That went out with button shoes!  You're a
         businessman...Christmas is something take advantage
off...*music
         swells up*...a red-and-green bandwagon to jump on...*swell*...a
         sentimental "shot in the arm" for sales!  Listen...

(singing)
Group:   Deck the hall with advertising
         Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
         While you can be enterprising
         Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la

         On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
         Four bars of soap
         Three can of peas
         Two breakfast foods
         And some toothpaste on a pair tree

         On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Scrooge: Five tubeless tires...
Group:   Four quarts of gin
         Three ci-gars
         Two-o cigarettes
         And some hair tonic on a pear tree

         Chestnuts roasting...
Man 1: (speaking) Say, mother, as sure as there's an "X" in Christmas,
you
       can be sure those are "Tiny Tim Chestnuts" roasting.  "Tiny Tim
       Chestnuts" are full-bodied, longer-lasting.  This visible
shell...
       *knock-knock*...protects the nut.  Now with "XK-29" added, for
people
       who can't roast after every meal.
Women: (singing) "Tiny Tim"..."Tiny Tim...Chestnuts" all the way...
Man 1: "Tiny Tim"s roasts hot like a chestnut ought.  And...they are
MILD...

Group:   Deck the halls with advertising
         Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
         'Tis the time for merchandising
         Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
         Profit never needs a reason
         Fa-la-la la-la-la la-la-la
         Get the money; it's the season
         Fa-la-la-la-la la-LA-LA-LAAAAAAA

(speaking)
Scrooge: Words to live by, Cratchit!
Cratchit: Well, for YOU, maybe.  Can't you just wish someone a Merry
          Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it?
Scrooge: Why?  What's the percentage in that?!  Let me show you how to
make
         Christmas work for you...

(singing)
Group: We wish you a Merry Christmas
       We wish you a Merry Christmas
       We wish you a Merry Christmas...
       AND, PLEASE, BUY OUR BEER!

(speaking)
Scrooge: There ya go, Cratchit.  That's Christmas with a purpose!
Cratchit: Yeah, I know.  But, wait a minute.  Don't you guys make enough
          profit the other eleven months?!  Christmas comes but once a
year!
Scrooge: Huh, funny thing you should bring that up.  That's exactly the
point
         I was about to make.  Hit it, boys!

(singing)
Scrooge: Christmas comes but once a year
         So you better make hay while the snow is falling
         That's opportunity calling you
Group:   Jingle bells, ba-da-da-da-da-DA!

         Rub your hands; December's here
         What a wonderful time to be glad and merry...
Scrooge: Just so you're mercenary, too.

Group:           Buy an ad and show all the toys
                 All of the toys up on the shelf
Scrooge:         Just make sure that you get a plug
                 You get a plug in for yourself

         Christmas comes but once a year
         So you better cash in while the spirit lingers
         It's slipping through your fingers, boy
         Don't you realize?
All:     Chritsmas can be such a monetary JOY!

(speaking)
Cratchit: Well, I guess you fellas'll NEVER change.
Scrooge: Why SHOULD we?!  "Christmas" has got two "S"s in it, and
they're both
         dollar signs!
Cratchit: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with.
Scrooge: Huh?
Cratchit: The people keep hoping you'll remember, but you never do.
Scrooge: Remember what?
Cratchit: Whose BIRTHDAY we're celebrating.
Scrooge: Well, uh,...*ahem*...don't get me wrong...uh...the story of
Christmas
         and its simplicity...is a good thing, I'll buy that.  It's just
         that...well, we know a good thing when we see it.
Cratchit: But you realize?  Christmas has a SIGNIFICANCE, a MEANING...
Scrooge: A SALES CURVE!  Wake up, Cratchit!  It's later than you think!
Cratchit: (downtrodden) I know, Mr. Scrooge...I know...

(singing)
Group:   From the first day of Christmas, the advertising's there...
Men:     With newspaper ads
Women:   Billboards, too
Men:     Business Christmas cards...
Scrooge: And commercials on a pear tree...
Women:   Jingles here, jingles there, jingles all the way

Men:     Dashing through the snow
         In a fifty-foot toupee
         O'er the fields we go
         Selling all the way...

Group:   Deck the hall with advertising...
         What's the use in compromising?!
         FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA!

(end with "Jingle Bells" with cash register sounds)

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Santa Baby
Slip a sable under the tree for me
Been and awful good girl
Santa Baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa Baby
An "outer space" convertable too; light blue
I'll wait up for you, dear
Santa Baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight

        Think of all the fun I've missed
        Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
        Next year, I could be oh so good
        If you'll check off my Christmas List

Santa Honey
I want a yacht and really that's not a lot
Been an angel all year
Santa Baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa Cutey
There's one thing I realy do need: a deed
To a platinum mine
Santa Cutey
So hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa Baby
And fill my stockings with a duplex and checks
Sign your "X" on the line
Santa Baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight

        Come and trim my Christmas tree
        With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
        I really do believe in you
        Let's see if you believe in me

Santa Baby
Forgot to mention one little thing: a ring
I don't mean on the phone!
Santa Baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

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RrrrrrrrAAAAAWWWrrrr!  Eartha Kitt, one of the stars of Disney's new
animated
flik "The Emperor's New Groove", with "Santa Baby", a song about a
greedy
woman who, apparantly, thinks Santa lives in Beverly Hills and not the
North
Pole.  Now, then, dragged up from the depths by ????? on
alt.music.lyrics,
here's a rare demented track by Elton...er, SIR Elton John.  It's
called, "Ho!
Ho! Ho! (Who'd Be A Turkey At Christmas)"

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Sitting here on Christmas Eve with a brandy in my hand
Oh I've had a few too many and it's getting hard to stand
I keep hearing noises from my fireplace
I must be going crazy or the brandy's won the race

        And I keep hearing ho ho ho, guess who's here
        Your fat and jolly friend draws near
        Ho ho ho, surprise, surprise
        The bearded weirdy's just arrived
        Ho ho ho, guess who's here
        Your fat and jolly friend draws near
        Ho ho ho, surprise surprise
        The bearded wierdy's just arrived

On my roof there's snorting sounds, and bells inside my head
My vision's blurred with colour, and all I see is red
(All he sees is red)
There's a pair of large sized wellies (wellies!) coming down my flue
And the smell of burning rubber, oh is filling up the room

        And I keep hearing ho ho ho, guess who's here
        Your fat and jolly friend draws near
        Ho ho ho, surprise, surprise
        The bearded weirdy's just arrived
        Ho ho ho, guess who's here
        Your fat and jolly friend draws near
        Ho ho ho, surprise surprise
        The bearded wierdy's just arrived
        (And 'ere he comes now)

REPEAT UNTIL FADE

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************************************************************************
*****
For non-MSTies (folks who didn't watch MST3K regularly):
        Mike Nelson: Man sent into space by mad scientist and forced to
watch
                     (and comment through) really bad films
        Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo: Robots who help Mike through movies
        Cambot: Camera robot, also supplies music.
************************************************************************
*****
Mike: Hi, folks.  Welcome back to the satellite.  As a special treat,
Crow,
      Tom and I have written, and are going to perform, an original
Christmas
      carol.
Crow: Um, Mike, it's not JUST for Christmas;  it's for holidays of ALL
      faiths.
Tom: Yeah, and don't, uh, call it a "carol", because Carol is a woman's
name
     and we want this song to be all-inclusive.
Mike: Right.  Let's hit it, Cambot.

(Music starts)
Mike: Let us a-all sing of praises to the Lord today
      Although you may not share our beliefs system, which is perfectly
OK
Crow: Maybe you worship an abstract being that is kind of vague
      Or maybe you just worship a guy whose name is Greg
Tom: Perhaps your religion doesn't include a-a time called Lent
     But whatever your religion is, we support you one-hundred percent
Mike: So sit around the fire, and have a chestnut roast
      Or raise a glass in toast to "Happy Days"' Donny Most
Tom: But if you'd prefer to eat Indian food on Christmas Day
     I can only shrug my shoulders and say "Nomestay"(?) (Nomestay)
Crow: Person'ly I prefer turkey, gravy and salad
      But let's never forget all cultures are valid
Mike: So let's ha-have peace on Earth and cut out all the bu-u-ull
(MOO!)
      Let's have a Holiday season that's multi-cultural
Crow: If there's one point we'd like to make with this festive holiday
song
Tom: It's that Christmas comes just once a year, so, for a few days, for
        crying out loud...
All: CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-ONG!

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Michael J. Nelson and the robot crew from the dearly-departed hit Comedy
Central/Sci-Fi Channel series "Mystery Science Theater 3000" with their
plea
of "Merry Christmas, If That's OK".  Mike's predecesor, Joel Hodgson has
a hit
with the bots with "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"...should be a
standard by now, right?  And DOWN the stretch we come!  We'll be this
right
after back...



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