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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 7

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 7 (DAMN, it's cold and frustarting!)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

This is Chris Wolvie, winging you "The 24 Sours of Christmas"!
Actually, this
has been one of the warmest decades in history.  Hell, even the polar
ice cap
at the North Pole melted.  People think it's global warming up
there...and I
agree.  After all, don't you think all those cookies Santa eats up
causes a
HUGE amount of gas bloating?  But, if you're in some of the cooler parts
of
the world like Canada or...or...well, Canada, it sure doesn't FEEL warm
right
now, does it?  Well, allow us numbnuts here at K-RUD cheer you up with
an
original song of ours about the worst that can happen to those in more
tropical areas of the country: "Let it Blow!  Let it Blow!  Let it
Blow!"...

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(Tune: Let it Snow!  Let it Snow!  Let it Snow!)

Oh, the weather outside is flighty
And the winds are topping ninety
So, since we've no place to go,
Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!

All the windows and doors are boarded,
And supplies we all have hoarded
The barometer is way down low...
Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!

        Oh, it's too late for the hurricane season
        But, I guess, it's getting one last shot
        As if Mother Nature needs a reason
        To hit the coast with everything it's got

Oh, the beaches are all eroding
Seen a few gas mains exploding
The storm's a Category Fo...ur
Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!

        Oh, the ocean waves are really churning
        And big gray clouds cover up the sky
        We'll go out and watch our neighbors burning
        When we are directly 'neath the eye

Oh, insurance companies will holler
This'll cost them tons of dollars
Well, hell, as long as it ain't snow,
Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!

At least it isn't ten below.
Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!

Up north, it's absolute zero
Let it blow...let it blow...let it blow!

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(Tune: "Winter Wonderland")

Sleigh bells ring and I'm listening
But I'm turning and tvisting
'Cause I'm itching up here
And I'm scratching down there
Valking in my vinter undervear

Now da front is all battered
And da back is all tattered
But vhen I'm cold to da core
I crawl tru da "back door"
And up into my vinter undervear

        Vell, I don't care if it rains or snows or freezes;
        I yam so varm, I yust don't give a hoot.
        I put on all da stockings I can locate
        Then I vear two pair of trousers vith my suit...

But then I start to perspire
Then it sets me on fire
'Cause I'm itching up here
And I'm scratching down there
Valking in my vinter undervear

Vinter snow is vite and glistening
But I'm turning and tvisting
I've gotta scratch a little here
I've gotta scratch a little there
Valking in my vinter undervear

I put my bathing suit avay in moth balls
And now I've got to duck da snow balls
Vhen I can't scratch my back
I throw myself all aback
Vile valking in my vinter undervear

        Tru rain and snow and ice, I do not vorry
        Vhen vinter come, I do not give a hoot
        My hat and coat and earmuffs keep my cozy
        And I vear two pair of trousers vith my suit...

But vhen it come to other clothing,
Vell the ting dat I am loading
Is vhen my face turns blue
And contortions I go tru
Valking in my vinter undervear

They're from Sears-Rooooebuuuuck...

Valking in my vinter undervear!

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Borison und Setterburg vith...er, WITH "Valking in my Vinter Undervear".
Perfect for deer hunters and mountain climbers up in them thar hills.
Got the
chains on your tires yet?  Or do you have snow tires?  I just got four
snow
tires myself, direct from Firestone...I am READY for this winter, man.
And so
are Da Yoopers of "Second Week O' Deer Camp" fame...sort of.  Here they
sing
about their "Rusty Chevrolet"...

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(Tune: "Jingle Bells")

(Car trying to start...and failing)
"C'mon, c'mon! (starts again) C'mon, you can do it! (starts succesfully)
All
 right!"

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet
Down the road I go, sliding all the way
I need new piston rings; I need some new snow tires
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire

CHORUS:
        Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away
        I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay
        The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's OK
        Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet

I went to the IGA to get some Christmas cheer
I just passed up my left front tire and it's getting hard to steer
Speeding down the highway, right past an agarney(?) cop
I had to drag my swampers to get the car to stop.

        Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away
        I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay
        The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's OK
        Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet

(BRIDGE: accordion solo of chorus)

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big blue cloud of smoke
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke?
I have to get to Shopco to pick up the layaway
'Cause Santa Claus is coming soon in his big old rusty sleigh

        Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away
        I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay
        The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio it's OK
        Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet

        Rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just flew away
        I light a match to see the dash, and then I start to pray-ay...

FADE OUT

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Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
On that yolly holiday
I'll go in da red like a knucklehead
'Cause I'll sqvander all my pay.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
Shopping sure drives me berserk
On da day before, I'll rush in da store
Like a poor, bevillered yerk!

        I look at nightgowns for my vife;
        Dose black vones trimmed in red.
        But I don't know her size and so,
        She'll get a carpet sveeper, instead

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
Vhen each kid hangs up his sock
It's a time for kids to flip their lids
Vhile their papa goes in hock

(Spoken:)
        On the night before Christmas, it's still in the house
        My family is sleeping, so I'm qviet like a mouse
        I look at my vatch, and midnight is near...
        I tink I'll sneak out for a cold glass o' beer.
        Down at the corner, the crowd is so merry
        I end up by drinking about tvelve Tom 'n' Yerry
        I get to bed late and, gee vhiz, how I'm sleeping
        Vhen, on to my bed, those darn kids they come leaping
        They sit on my face and they yump on my belly
        And I'm shiverin' all over like a bowl full of yelly
        They scream, "Merry Christmas!"  My poor vife and me
        Ve stumble downstairs and she lights up the tree
        My head is exploding;  my mouth tastes like a pickle
        I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle
        Yust before Christmas dinner, I relax to a point
        Then relatives start svarming all over tha yoint
        On Christmas, I hug and I kiss my vife's mother
        The rest of the year, ve don't speak to each other
        After dinner, my aunt and my vife's Uncle Louie
        Get into an argument;  they're both awful screwy
        The all my vife's family say Louie is right
        And my goofy relations, they yoin in the fight
        Back in the corner, the radio's playing
        And, over the racket, Gabriel Hader is saying,
        "Peace on Earth, everybody, and goodvill tovard men"
        And, yust at that moment, somevone slugs Uncle Ben
        They all run outside vhooping so the neighbors'll hear...
        Oh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes yust vonce a year!

(Singing:)
Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
But I still have lots of fun
Yust the same as you, I enyoy it, too...
Merry Christmas, everyvone!

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- - -

The great Yogi Yorgesson with the classic, "I Yust Go Nuts At
Christmas".
Reminds me of my last family reunion...you might've seen it on the Jerry
Springer show.  The cold weather can put ANYBODY in a sour mood.  The
grey
overcast skies, the relatives bunching up, the ice you have to slide
around
in...it's enough to make you go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs(tm).  But don't
take it
too seriously.  Follow the advice of the "Merry Ol' Pihlosopher" Eddie
Lawrence...

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Hello, there, little ones.
You say your old man dressed up as Santa Claus and can't get his belly
        through the fireplace?
And you hang up a purple bulb on the tree and three thousand volts go
        through ya?
And your brother made an animal cage out of your Erector set, and
Grandma
        can't get out?
And someone opened a window while you're sortin' stamps and all your
triangles
        are flying around the house?
And one of your gifts, a strange little shiny box, suddenly takes off
and is
        now circling the earth at twelve-hundred miles-an-hour?

Is that what's troublin' you, tiny tots?!?

WELL, PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN LOW AND TAKE A RUN IN THE SNOW, WITH THAT
DEVIL-MAY-
CARE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!  FOR THE WHOLE WORLD'S SINGING A HAPPY SONG AS
MERRILY YOU ROLL ALONG!  YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER
GIVE
UP...

...THAT SLED!!!

Hey, there, moppets.
You say your mischievous cousin Wilbur gave ya "Moosehead" with the
moose
        still in it?
And you ate so many candy sticks, your nose is green with red and white
        nostrils on it?
And you just can't seem to piece together your life-size "assemble-it-
        yourself" ranch house?
And you just got a pine needle right up your cuticle?  (OW!)
And Aunt Bertie ain't come home from Macy's yet, and it's been eight
days now?
And your daddy chopped down a pine tree in the forest and brings it in
and a
        big gray eagle flies out and won't leave the bedroom?

Is that what's perturbing you, moppets?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A FLOP ON THE ICE, WITH THAT
MELODY
RINGING IN YOUR HEAD AND A "HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE" IN YOUR HEART!  YOU'LL
NEVER
GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...

...THOSE SKATES!

Hey, there, boobies.
You say that smolderin' Yule log is so wet and sticky, everyone's
gasping
        for breath while trying to look merry?
And...and your Uncle Harold came in as a big jolly bear, and your father
shot
        him?
And your little doggie swallowed some of them jingle bells and is
driving the
        whole house crazy?
And...and you went sleigh riding in a big blizzard and you can't find
your
        way home and, while you're wanderin' in a field, you get picked
up by
        a big snow shovel and dumped into a truck headed for an ice cold
        river?
And your little toy grocery store went out of business?

Is that what's on your minds, boobies?!?

WELL, LIFT YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND TAKE A WALK IN THE SLUSH WITH THAT
DIGNITY
AND STICK-TO-IT-NESS, THAT YOU'LL SHOW MARS, YOU'LL SHOW PLUTO!  YOU'LL
SHOW
'EM WHERE TO GET OFF!  YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE UP...NEVER GIVE
UP...

...that old Christmas spirit...no matter WHO broke your new bicycle!
This is
the old philosopher saying, "Merry Christmas, cousins, and a
hefty-doodlely-
dee!"
COME ON, THUNDER!  COME ON, BLITZEN!  AND A HEFTY-DOODLELY-DEE!  SANTA
WANTS
YOU TO KEEP MOVING!!!

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BAH, HUMBUG!  No, that's too strong, 'cause this is my favorite holiday
But all this year's been a busy blur; don't think I have the energy
To add to my already-mad rush just 'cause it's "'tis the season".
The perfect gift for me would be completions and connections left from
Last year, ski shop, encounter most interesting.
Had his number but never the time; most of '81 passed along those lines
So deck those halls and trim those trees, raise up cups of Christmas
cheer
I just need to catch my breath; Christmas by myself this year.

Calendar picture's frozen landscape chills this room for twenty-four
days
Evergreens, sparkling snow...get this winter over with!
Flash back to springtime, saw him again;  would've been good to go for
lunch
Couldn't agree when we're both free; we tried, we said we'd keep in
touch
Didn't, of course, 'till summertime; out to the beach to his boat; could
I
        join him?
No, this time it was me sunburned in the third degree.
Now the calendar's just one page and, of course, I am excited
Tonight's the night, but I set my mind not to do too much about it.

        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        But I think I'll miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        But I think I'll miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        But I think I'll miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        But I think I'll miss this one this year

Hardly dashing through the snow 'cause I bundled up too tight
Last minute have-to-do's, a few cards, a few calls 'cause it's
R-S-V-P...no thanks, no party lights
It's Christmas Eve, gonna relax, turned down all of my invites.
Last fall I had a night to myself, same guy called; Halloween party
Waited all night for him to show; this time his car wouldn't go,
Forget it, it's cold, it's getting late...trudge on home to celebrate
In a quiet way, unwind...doing Christmas right this time.

The A & P has provided me with the world's smallest turkey
Already in the oven, nice and hot...oh, damn!  Guess what _I_ forgot?
So on with the boots back out in the snow to the only all-night grocery
When what with my wandering eyes should appear?  In the line is that guy
I've
        been chasing all year!
"Spendin' this one alone," he says, "need a break; this year's been
crazy."
I said, "Me, too, but why are you...you mean YOU forgot cranberries,
too?!?"
Then, suddenly, we laughed and laughed;  caught on to what was happening
That Christmas magic brought this tale to a very happy ending.

        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        Couldn't miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        Couldn't miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        Couldn't miss this one this year
        Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
        Couldn't miss this one this year....
        (Repeat 'till fade out)

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"Christmas Wrapping" by the Stewardesses, the makers of the minor hit,
"I Know
What Boys Like"...ironically pining over a boy in this holiday rock
classic.
Coming up, we explore the dark side of the holidays...



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