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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 6

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 6 (The 6 Yuk-mulkes of Chanukah)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

Chris Wolvie back with you.  And, for this segment, "The 24 Sours of
Christmas" becomes "The Six Yuk-mulkes of Chanukah"...or "Hannukkah" or
"Channukah" or HOWEVER they spell it.  Yes, some of you people are sick
of
Christmas-this and Christmas-that.  Well, we've managed to scrounge up a
handful of Chanukah songs for your amusement and bemusement.  We start
off
with "Little Nicky" himself, Adam Sandler...

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This is a song that, uh...there's a lot of Christmas songs out
there...uh...
not too many Chanukah songs...so, I wrote a song for all those nice
little
Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Chanukah songs.  Here we go...

        Put on your yarmulke
        He comes Chanukah
        So much fun-akkah
        To celebrate Chanukah...

Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me:

David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah
Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli?
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together...what a fine lookin' Jew!

    You don't need "Deck The Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
    'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock (both
Jewish)

	Put on your yarmulke
	It's time for Chanukah
	The owner of the Seattle Supersonic-ahs
	Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson...not a Jew
But guess who is?  Hall of famer Rod Carew (he converted)
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish...not...too...shabby
Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is?  All...Three...Stooges

    So many Jews are in showbiz
    Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

	Tell your friend Veronica
	It's time to celebrate Chanukah
	I hope I get a harmonicah
	On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
	So drink your gin and tonic-ah
	And smoke your marijuana-kah
	If you really, really wanna-kah
	Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah!
        Happy Chanukah!

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Time to take out the menorahs!

        Put on your yarmulke
        It's time for Chanukah
        So much fun-akkah
        To celebrate Chanukah...


Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a NEW list of people who are Jewish just like you and me:

Winona Ryder drinks Manachevett's wine
Then spins a dreidel with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish, Courtney Love is half, too
Put them together...what a funky, bad-ass Jew!

    We got Harvey Keitel and "Flashdance"r Jennifer Bales
    Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish and, yes, her boobs are real

	Put on that yarmulke
	It's time for Chanukah
	Two-time Oscar winner Dustin Hoffman-ukah
	Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson...still not a Jew
But guess who is?  The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew, then he wasn't, but now he's back
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish, 'cause we're pretty good in the
sack
Guess who got bar mitzvahed on the PGA Tour?
No, I'm not talking about Tiger Woods...I'm talking about Mr. Happy
Gilmore

    So many Jews are in the showbiz
    Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish, but my mother thinks he is

	Tell that ho Lamonica
	It's time to celebrate Chanukah
	It's not pronounced CH-anukah
	The C is silent in Chanukah
	So read your Hooked-On-Phonic-a
	Get drunk in Tijuan-ukah
	If you really, really wanna-kah
	Have a happy, happy, happy, happy, Chanukah!
	Happy Chanukah!
        Peace and love to everybody!

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Two...two...two "Chanukah Song"s in one.  Parts one and two by Adam
Sandler.
Ah, but there was a song about the Hebrew holiday long before "Big
Daddy" ever
did that bit on "Saturday Night Live".  There was one that was recently
released on the new box set "The Remains of Tom Lehrer".  Here is my
idol, Tom
Lehrer telling us, "(I'm Spending) Hannukah in Santa Monica"...

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I'm spending Hannukah in Santa Monica
Wearing sandals, lighting candles by the sea
I spent Shavuos in East Saint Louis
A charming spot but clearly not the spot for me...

Those eastern winters, I can't endure 'em
So every year I pack my gear and come out here til Purim
Rosh Hashanah I spend in Arizona
And Yom Kippah way down in Mississippah
But in December there's just one place for me

Amid the California flora I'll be lighting my menorah
Like a baby in his cradle I'll be playing with my dreidel
Spending Hannukah, in Santa Monica, By the Sea!

I'm spending Hannukah in Santa Monica
Wearing sandals, lighting candles by the sea
I spent Shavuos in East Saint Louis
A charming spot but clearly not the spot for me...

Those eastern winters, I can't endure 'em
So every year I pack my gear and come out here til Purim
Rosh Hashanah I spend in Arizona
And Yom Kippah way down in Mississippah
But in December there's just one place for me

Amid the California flora I'll be lighting my menorah
Like a baby in his cradle I'll be playing with my dreidel
Here's to Judas Maccabeus,
Boy if he could only see us
Spending Hannukah, in Santa Monica, By the Sea!

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"How The Grinch Stole Chanukah"

All the Jews down in Jew-fille loved Chanukah a lot
The Grinch, a Gentile, however...did not!
He sat on his perch and looked down at the Jews
"Chanukah's coming and I'm not amused!
 I don't like their customs, their dreidels of clay
 I must stop Chanukah before the first day!
 Or they'll light there menorah
 And they'll dance their hora
 They'll eat lacties and roast beast and they'll give out their toys
 They'll sing and they'll dance and the 'OY's, 'OY's, 'OY's!!"

So he waited 'til nightfall and snuck through their doors
Took down decorations from ceiling to floor
He stole all their toys and he loaded his truck
He stole the menorah, the miserable shmuck!
Then the Grinch said, "I'll show them how mean I am!"
He switched the roast beast with a honey-baked ham

With his duties completed, the Grinch turned to go
Then he heard a small voice from the bedroom, crying, "No!"
Then the Grinch met someone who changed this whole story:
The Finklestein boy, the first name of Maury
"Hey, meshugine!  Enough is enough!
 Chanukah won't go away just 'cause you've stolen our stuff
 It's not about presents, not candy and nuts
 It's a time for reflection, you big stupid putz!"

So the Grinch took a seat and he listened to Maury
As he told him of Chanukah; he told the whole story
The Grinch, he was riveted by the tale so great
About one day of oil that had burned for eight
The Grinch said, "I like you, precocious young squirt
I like you so much, I think I'll convert!"
The Grinch knew exactly just what he should do
He contacted a rabbi and, soon, was a Jew

And when the Jews down in Jew-ville sat down for their feast,
The Grinch, in a yarmulke, carved the roast beast!

(Jewish Tora music)

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This was a brand new story by Mike Toomey...no doubt to get off on all
the
popularity of the new Jim Carrey film.  Anyway, that's "How the Grinch
Stole
Chanukah".  Up next is another double-shot of one artists' work.  In
this
case, it Kyle Brofslovski of "South Park", otherwise known as Matt
Stone.
Being the only Jewish main character on the show, he has a LOT of
anxiety when
it comes to Christmas.  Fortunately, this year, Christmas occurs right
in the
middle of Chanukah, so it might make it a little easier.  Anyhow, from
the
original "South Park Christmas" episode, here's Kyle with "I'm a Lonely
Jew"...

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It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My Friend's won't let me join in any games

And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
Or leave water out for Rudolph, 'cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew
On Christmas

Hanuka is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year

And instead of eating ham, I have to eat kosher latkas
Instead of "Silent Night", I'm singing "Hoo Hach Do Gaveev"
And what the [beep] is up with lighting all these [beep]ing candles
   tell me please?
I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew
I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew
On Christmas

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Kyle: (speaking) OK, Ike, you're my little brother so I have to show you
how
      to celebrate Chanukah.  This is called a dreidel.  You spin it and
see
      where it lands, and you sing this song:

      (singing)
      I have a little dreidel, I made it out of clay
      And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play
      Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play

      (speaking) Now you try it, Ike.  Just spin it with your fingers
like
      this...

Ike: (singing)
     H, I, J, K, elemenopee
     This is...like...all the way...
     Uh,...came down the rain and
     Washed da spider out...

Cartman: (speaking) Hey, what the hell are you doing?

Kyle: Oh, hey, Cartman.  We're playing dreidel.  You wanna try?

Cartman: SURE...

         (singing)
         Here's a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay
         But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dreidels' *beep*in' gay!

Kyle: Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!

Cartman: (singing)
         Jews...play stupid games
         Jews...that's why they're lame

Kyle & Cartman: (overlapping)
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
                              Jews...                play stupid games
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
                              Jews...                that's why they're
lame

Stan: (speaking) What's going on?  Oh, it's that Chanukah thing.
Cartman: (sarcastic) It's SO amazing.  You spin this thing on the ground
and
         it goes 'round and 'round.  I could watch it all day!

Stan: Let me try...

      (singing)
      I'll try to make it spin
      It fell; I'll try again

Stan & Kyle:
      Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
      I'll              try          to make     it    spin
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
      It                fell;    I'll try     again

Stan, Kyle & Cartman:
      Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
      I'll              try          to make     it    spin
                                  Jews...                play stupid
games
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
      It                fell;    I'll try     again
                                  Jews...              that's why
they're lame
      Oh, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
      I'll              try          to make     it    spin
                                  Jews...                play stupid
games
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
      It                fell;    I'll try     again
                                  Jews...              that's why
they're lame

Mrs. Brofslovski: Oh, hi, boys.
Kyle: Hi, Mom.
Mrs. B: Oh, how precious!  You boys are all playing dreidel.  Now you
know
        that dreidel is a time-honored tradition to the Hebrew people!
Cartman: Yes, we know, Mrs. Brofslovski.  It's SO interesting...

Mrs. B: (singing)
        Now when you learn to make a dreidel spin
        You'll KNO-O-O-O-OW our people always win
Mrs. B & Cartman:
        Kids, when you learn to make a dreidel spin
                       Jews...                 play stupid games
        You'll KNO-O-O-O-OW our people always win
                                Jews...        that's why they're lame

Kyle: Oh, hi, dad.
Mr. B: Say, can I join in?
Kyle: Sure!

      (singing)
      I have a little dreidel, I made it out of clay
      And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall...EVERYBODY!

Kyle, Stan, Mrs. B & Cartman:
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
      Kids, when you learn    to make a dreidel    spin
      I'll              try      to make     it    spin
                            Jews...                play stupid games
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
      It                fell;    I'll try     again
      You'll KNO-O-O-O-OW     our people always win
                            Jews...              that's why they're lame

      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
      Kids, when you learn    to make a dreidel    spin
      I'll              try      to make     it    spin
                            Jews...                play stupid games
      Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
      It                fell;    I'll try     again
      You'll KNO-O-O-O-OW     our people always win
                            Jews...              that's why they're lame

Mr. B: (singing)
       Court-ney Cox,...I love you
       You're so hot...on that show
Kyle: Dad...
Mr. B: Court-ney Cox,...I love you...
Kyle: Dad!  We're singing about a dreidel
Mr. B: *pause* Oh, sorry...
Mrs. B: We'll talk about this LATER, Gerald!

EVERYBODY: (all overlapping)
Kyle:    Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
Mrs. B:  Kids, when you learn    to make a dreidel    spin
Stan:    I'll              try      to make     it    spin
Cartman:                       Jews...                play stupid games
Mr. B:   Court-   ney      Cox...     I        love   you...

Kyle:    Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play
Mrs. B:  You'll KNO-O-O-O-OW     our people always win
Stan:    It                fell;    I'll try     again
Cartman:                       Jews...              that's why they're
lame
Mr. B:   You're   so       hot....       on      that     show

Kyle:    Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I make you out of clay
Mrs. B:  Kids, when you learn    to make a dreidel    spin
Stan:    I'll              try      to make     it    spin
Cartman:                       Jews...                play stupid games
Mr. B:   Court-   ney      Cox...     I        love   you...

Kyle:    Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dre-idel I shall PLAY
Mrs. B:  You'll KNO-O-O-O-OW        our people    al-ways WIN
Stan:    It                fell;         I will   try  a-GAIN
Cartman:                       Jews...that..is why they're LAME
Mr. B:   You're   so       hot....       on      that     SHOW

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The entire Brofslovski clan with Stan Marsh and Eric "Fatass" Cartman
singing
the praises of "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel".  Hope you have a nice eight
days,
folks.  Sorry, we don't have any Solistice or Kwaanza songs...maybe next
year.  Is it me in here or is it just cold?!?  Find out after this...

(BTW, if I mispelled any Hebrew or Yiddish words, I apologize for having
been
born into a religion where it takes forty days to cleanse you of sins
and
guilt...instead of just Yom Kippor)



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