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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 5

The 24 Sours of Christmas




"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 5 (You Believe In-sanity Claus?)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

You are hooked up with "The 24 Sours of Christmas" and I'm Chris
Wolvie...like
it or not.  Ah, Santa Claus...Kris Kringle...St. Nicholas...the jolly
ol'
elf...anyone else getting sick of this guy?  Where'd he come from?  Why
bother
with the spoiled brats of the world?  Why deal with reindeer when he can
charter a jet?  Why not FedEx everything?  Sheesh, old man, get into the
21st
Century, will ya?!  Well, perhaps with some answers about "Santa Claus
and His
Old Lady" - as well as over a hundred uses for the word "man" - here's
Cheech
& Chong...

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(CM: Cheech Marin   TC: Tommy Chong)

CM: (Playing piano) "Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the vecto wit
da
    bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet...and
he's
    going to..."  No, no, that's ain't it... "Mamamasita, donde esta
Santa
    Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's..." Nah.  Hey, man,
come
    over here, man.  I need some help, man.
TC: Yeah, man, I can dig that.  Like, what are ya doin', man?
CM: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but it's not
    comin' out...
TC: About WHO, man?
CM: About Santa Claus, man.  You know, Santa Claus, man?
TC: Oh, yeah, man.  I played with those dudes, man.
CM: WHAT?
TC: Yeah, last year at the Philmore, man.  Me and the base player sat
in, man.
CM: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh?  No, it's not a
    group, man.
TC: Wha?  They break up, man?
CM: No, man.  It's one guy, man.  Y'know, he had a..a red suit, man, on
with
    black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man.
TC: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he?  Yeah, I played with that
dude,
    too, man.  He's a good singer, man.
CM: No, no, hold on, man.  He's not with Motown, man.
TC: Well, then he's with Buddha, man.
CM: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man!
TM: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man.  Like, I'm from Pittsburgh, man.
 I
    don't know to many local dudes.
CM: Ohhh, I see.  Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll tell you
da
    story about Santa Claus, man.  Listen:

    Once upon a time, about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy
dude
    and has name was Santa Claus, y'know?  And he used to live over in
the
    projects with his old lady, and they had a pretty good thing
together
    because his old lady was really fine, and she could cook and all
that
    stuff like that, y'know.  Like, she made da best brownies in town,
man!
    Oh, I could remember 'em now, man.  I could eat ONE of 'em, man...
TC: Wow, did you know these people, man?
CM: Oh, yeah, man.  They used to live next door to me, y'know...until
they
    got kicked out, man.
TC: Wha?  They got kicked out of the projects, man?
CM: Yeah, you what happened, man?  They used ta live with all these
midgets,
    y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know, like
pounding and
    hammering and pounding all night, man...
TC: Typical freaks, huh?
CM: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man.  As a matter of fact,
they
    all moved up north together, y'know.
TC: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man?
CM: Yeah, get their head together.  And they started a commune, y'know.
 It
    was called the...uh..."Santa Claus and his Old Lady Commune";  it
was a
    real famous one up there, man.  And they used to sit around and
groove
    all the time, y'know.
TC: Oh, yeah?
CM: Yeah, a really good time there, man.
TC: That sounds heavy, man.
CM: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea, man...and
what
    they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta goodies, y'know?
 And
    they had everything they needed;  they only needed to come into town
    maybe once year or something like that...
TC: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right.
CM: Yeah, man.  No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year, when
they
    made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big chopping
bag
    and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em to all the
    boys and girls all da way around da world, man!
TC: Hey, well, that's hip, man!  That sounds real nice, man.
CM: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people, man.  And so much class,
man...
    they had so much class, y'know.  Like, give or take da way they used
ta
    deliver da toys, y'know.  It's, like, Santa Claus used ta have this
    really charp chort, man, y'know?  It was lower to da ground, had
twice-
    pipes, candy-apple red and button top.  Oooo, clean!
TC: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man.
CM: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile;  it was a sled, y'know.  One of
those big
    sleds, y'know?  And he used ta have it pulled by some reindeers,
y'know,
    like, reindeers?
TC: Some WHAT, man?
CM: Some reindeers, y'know.  He used ta hook them onto da sled, and then
he
    used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and then
call
    out their names, like, "On, Donner!  On, Blitzen!  On, Chewy!  On,
Tavo!
    C'mon, Becto!" And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky
and
    fly across da sky, man!
TC: Wow, man!  That's far out, man!
CM: Yeah!  And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta come
down to
    place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and all those
    places, y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and then 'ol
Santa
    Claus would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real small guy,
and
    he'd come down da chimney and then he would give you all da stuff
that he
    made, man. And - dig this, man - he did it all in one night, man!
TC: Hey, just a minute, man.  Now, how'd he do that, man?
CM: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway.  How else, man?
TC: No, man.  No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man?  Like,
how'd he
    make himself small, man.  And, how'd he, like, how'd he get the
reindeer
    off the ground, man?
CM: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man.
TC: Some magic dust?
CM: Yeah, magic dust, y'know?  He used ta give a little bit to da
reindeer, a
    little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa Claus, a
little
    bit more...
TC: And this would get the reindeer off, man?
CM: Aw, got 'em off, man?!?  Are you kidding, man?  They flew all da way
    around da world, man!
TC: Hey, that's far out, man!  Hey, I come I never met this dude, man?
CM: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man.  It got too dangerous,
man.
TC: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man!
CM: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man.  Like just two years ago,
man, he
    got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into another
room
    and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and searched his bag
of
    goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man, he was flying
through
    the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer, y'know.
TC: Aw, that's a drag, man.
CM: Yeah, it really was, man.  And then, man, he went down south, man,
and
    they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man.  And all the time,
he
    was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID,
man....just
    everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man.
TC: No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man.
CM: Aw, "repression"..."recession", man...it's all da same thing, man.
TC: Yeah, man.  But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use a dude
like
    that right now.
CM: Oh, he still comes around, man.
TC: Oh, yeah?
CM: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now...
TC: Aw, he went "underground", man.
CM: Yeah, "underground", man.
TC: I can dig it.
CM: Yeah.  But you ought to see his disguise, man;  nobody would ever
know it
    was him, man.
TC: Oh, yeah?
CM: Yeah.  He's gotta job in front of da department store, ringing this
bell
    and playing this tambourine next to this black pot, y'know?
TC: AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN!
CM: YEAH!  You know who I'm talking about, man!
TC: Yeah, man!  I played with that cat last year, man!
CM: WHA?!?!?
TC: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man!  We made a lot of bread,
man!
CM: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man!  Santa Claus is not a musician, man!
TC: I'm hip, man!  That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man!
CM: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at all, man.
TC: No, but I played with THIS dude, man.
CM: Are you sure, man?
TC: Positive!

FADE OUT

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Who's got a big red cherry nose?
        (Santa's got a big red cherry nose.)
Who's got a laugh that goes, "Ho ho ho"?
        (Santa's got a laugh that goes, "Ho ho ho"
         "Ho ho ho", cherry nose...)

        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa, Santa Claus

(All right, you're getting it.  Now, we're going to go into the next
verse, so
 everybody sing!)

Whose belly jiggles when he laughs?
        (Santa's belly jiggles when he laughs)
Who's so cute, he can't wipe his ass?
        (Santa's so cute, he can't wipe his ass
         Wipe his ass, when he laughs,
         "Ho ho ho", cherry nose...)

        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa, Santa Claus

Who's got really nasty gingivitis?
        (Santa's got really nasty gingivitis)
Who's got non-specific urethritis?
        (Santa's got non-specific urethritis
         Urethritis, gingivitis
         Wipe his ass, when he laughs,
         "Ho ho ho", cherry nose...)

        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa, Santa Claus

Who looks right up reindeer's butts?
        (Santa looks right up reindeer's butts)
Who's a lazy tub of guts?
        (Santa's a lazy tub of guts
         Tub of guts, reindeer's butts
         Urethritis, gingivitis
         Wipe his ass, when he laughs,
         "Ho ho ho", cherry nose...)

        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa, Santa Claus

*chime*

(Whoa.  That means, if you haven't sang, now's your chance to redeem
yourself
 in the eyes of God.  This is our last verse, so EVERYBODY sing!)

Who's one of those people who just looks better when he's nude?
        (Santa's one of those people who just looks better when he's
nude)
Who's just an all-around righteous dude?
        (Santa's just an all-around righteous dude
         Righteous dude, better when he's nude
         Tub of guts, reindeer's butts
         Urethritis, gingivitis
         Wipe his ass, when he laughs,
         "Ho ho ho", cherry nose...)

        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa
        Must be Santa, Santa...

        MUST BE SANTA
        Must be Santa
        Must be San-ta, San-ta...

CHIMES TO COLD ENDING

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Gingivitis?  Tub of guts?  Better when he's nude?!  Well...OK, I'll buy
that,
sure.  The Billy Nayer Show with a newer version of the old standard
"Must Be
Santa".  And what happens with those kids who don't act nice...at least
in the
month of December?  Well, I guess Santa doesn't stop by...although I'm
sure
kids these days will be asking for a re-count, even though Santa DOES
check
his list twice.  Anyhow, here's Heywood Banks with his little message to
the
naughties out there: "You Ain't Gettin' Diddly Squa--T"!

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(Hey, kids, gather 'round!  Heywood's gotta little song for ya here!)

Oh, I just got a message from 'ol Saint Nick way up in Christmasland
And he says the toys for good girls and boys are being made as planned
There's a truck for little Billy and a dolly for Molly, dear,
But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this
year!
(No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this
year!)

Oh, the winter fields are white with snow and the lights are shining
bright
And the wee little heads tucked up in bed dream of sugar plums this
night
You may dream of big red apples and candy canes so near,
But you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this
year!
(No, you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this
year!)

(Fa-la-la-la-you're in trouble!  Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!)

        When your mother asked you to wash the dishes,
        Why, you said, "No no no!"
        And you did not pick up your socks
        So it's "que sera", horse-face!  HO-HO-HOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh, you know that Santa's watching you and he keeps a great big list
But, when I tell him the things you've done, he REALLY will be....mad!
When you sit upon his knee, he'll knock ya on your ear
'Cause you ain't gettin' diddly squat 'cause you really messed up this
year!
No, you ain't gettin' diddly squaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........T!
'Cause you really messed up
Oh, you really messed up
Oh, you really messed up this year!!

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I broke my bat on Johnny's head;  somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister's bed;  somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug
I made Tommy eat a bug
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

        I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas!
        Mommy and Daddy are mad!
        I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
        'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad!

I put a tack on teacher's chair;  somebody snitched on...me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair;  some..............me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
Climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants;
Somebody snitched on me.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...hurry
up!...

        I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas!
        Mommy and Daddy are mad!
        I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
        'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad!

I won't be seeing Santa Claus; somebody snitched on me.
He won't come visit me because...somebody snitched on me.
Next year, I'll be going straight
Next year, I'll be good;  just wait!
I'd start now but it's too late;
Somebody....

(sleigh bells)
Spoken:
Who's that coming down the chimney with a bag over his shoulder? (GASP)
It's
HIM!  IT'S HIIIIIIM!  I THOUGHT HE WASN'T COMING!!!!!
*** Where's the silverware, little boy? ***
In the dining room, like I told you!
*** And the jewelry? ***
Same place as last time.  How about my cut?
*** The usual? ***
The usual.  Join me on the chorus, OK?
*** Why not? ***

        I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas!
        Mommy and Daddy are mad!
        I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
        'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad!

Have a good season?
*** Excellent! ***

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Stan Freberg again with another updated classic, "Nuttin' For
Christmas".
But, still, the question arises: what do we REALLY know about Santa?
We've
already heard stuff about him cheating on his wife, kicking people's
asses,
going crazy and looking up reindeer's butts.  Could he be something
else, too?
Here's Kip Adatta, claiming that Santa's every little boy's dream with
his
song: "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus"...

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I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
        He didn't see me creep
        Down the stairs to have a peep
        He thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
        There must be some mistake
        Was I really awake?
        I rubbed my eyes and moved in close, a better look to take

Then I saw Daddy hugging Santa Claus
He took his hand and moved him to the couch
        It must have been just fine
        Santa didn't seem to mind
        Then Daddy moved across the room to pour them both some wine

Then I saw Daddy fondle Santa Claus
And on his ear he nibbled now and then
        I crawled across the floor
        I hid behind the door
        I left it open just a crack so I can watch some more

Then I saw Daddy undress Santa Claus
They quickly threw their clothes on our big chair
        Well, much to my surprise
        I couldn't believe my eyes
        It wasn't Santa after all but Mommy in disguise!

When I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If I had REALLY seen
Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night!

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When I was small I believed in Santa Claus
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I'd be glad

But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor
They said:

        "Father Christmas, give us some money
         Don't mess around with those silly toys.
         We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
         We want your bread so don't make us annoyed
         Give all the toys to the little rich boys

"Don't give my brother a real trashy outfit
 Don't give my sister a cuddly toy
 We don't want a jigsaw or Monopoly money
 We only want the real McCoy

        "Father Christmas, give us some money
         We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed
         Father Christmas, give us some money
         Don't mess around with those silly toys

"But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one
 He's got lots of mouths to feed
 But if you've got one, I'll have a machine gun
 So I can scare all the kids down the street

        "Father Christmas, give us some money
         We got no time for your silly toys
         We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
         We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed
         Give all the toys to the little rich boys!"

Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin'
While you're drinkin' down your wine

        "Father Christmas, give us some money
         We got no time for your silly toys
         We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
         We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed

        "Father Christmas, give us some money
         We got no time for your silly toys
         We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over
         We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed
         Give all the toys to the little rich boys!"

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- - -

The Kinks turning the tables on ol' Saint Nick with "Father Christmas".
Y'know,  _I_ believed in Father Christmas...I looked to the skies with
excited
eyes.  Then I woke with a yawn at the first crack of...aw, you know the
rest,
I'm sure.  Back with the OTHER holiday after this...



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