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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 4

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 4 (Christmas Dragnet)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

Chris Wolvie returning with "The 24 Sours of Christmas".  Well,...it's
time to
come clean on something.  Over the last few years, I've been telling you
that
we had the soundtrack to an unreleased "Dragnet" episode from its first
year.
Well, most of you weren't fooled in the least.  Yes,...we had doctored
up an
old Stan Freberg Christmas diddy and made it our own.  We apologize to
you and
to Stan Freberg himself for this...and we ask him to have his lawyers
lay off!
Anyway, here is the ORIGINAL and UNADULTERATED Freberg classic,
"Christmas
Dragnet"...

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DUM-DA-DUM-DUM! (Jingle Bells) DUM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUUUUUMMM!

Joe: (narrating) This is the season.  My name's Wednesday.  My partner
is
     Frank Jones.  The chief is Captain Kellogg.  December the
twenty-fourth,
     Christmas Eve.  They brought in a guy named "Grudge".  When I heard
what
     booked him on, my blood ran cold.  It was a 4096325-096704, "Not
     Believing in Santa Claus".

DA-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMM!

     4:35pm.  I was working the Holiday watch out of Homicide with
Frank...

Frank: Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?
Joe: (in story) Yeah, just before I came down.  You, too, Frank?
Frank: Always do.  Hung it up early in case I have to work late tonight.
       Wouldn't want to miss out when Santa Claus comes, y'know.
Joe: No, sure wouldn't.  Be a shame.
Frank: What'cha gonna do tomorrow, Joe?  What'cha gonna do on Christmas?
       Got any plans?
Joe: Nothing much.
Frank: Why don't you stop by the house, Joe?  We're gonna have Christmas
       dinner.  Y'know, all the trimmings.
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: Turkey, celery stiffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts...
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: All the trimmings.  Cranberry sauce...love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: The missus always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot
       sticks.  Y'know, olives, pickles, scallions...most folks call 'em
       "green onions", but they're really scallions.  Have you ever
noticed
       that, Joe?
Joe: Ever noticed what, Frank?
Frank: How most folks call 'em "green onions", but they're really
scallions.
Joe: Um-hum.  Scallions.
Frank: Any time after two, Joe.  Love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.  Well, I'll see.
Frank: Love ta have ya.
Joe: Um-hum.  Well, I'll see.
Frank: The missus always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot
sticks.
       Y'know, them little carrot sticks?
Joe: Um-hum.
Frank: Olives, pickles, scallions...
Joe: Um-hum.  Let's not go through that again.
Frank: Love ta have ya.  Go through what again, Joe?
Joe: How most folks call 'em "green onions", but they're really
scallions.
Frank: Oh,...you noticed that, too, huh, Joe?

DUM-DA-DUM!  DUM-DA-DUM!

(Phone rings)
Joe: (answering) Homicide, Wednesday.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.  Um-hum.
Um-hum.
     Um-hum.  Umm-humm. (hangs up)
Frank: What's the matter, Joe?  What's the MATTER, Joe?!?
Joe: They're bringing a guy in on a 4096325-096704!
Frank: (shocked) You-you mean...
Joe: Yeah,...guy don't believe in scallions...I mean, Santa Claus!

DUM-DA-DUM!  DUM-DA-DUM!  DUM-DA-DUMMMMMMMMM!

Joe: (narrating) 6:29pm.  We questioned the guy who didn't believe in
Santa
     Claus...a guy named "Grudge". (in story) Says here your name's
"Grudge",
     is that right?
Grudge: Yeah!
Joe: Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?
Frank: It's hard to believe what you said!  Did you really say that?
Grudge: Sure I said it!  How do you know there's a Santy Claus?  You
gotta
        picture of 'em?
Joe: No, no mugshot.
Grudge: Any fingerprints?
Joe: No, no leaving prints.  I just know, that's all.  It's like saying
there
     isn't an Easter Bunny.
Grudge: That's ANOTHER guy there ain't no of!
Joe: Um-hum.  Watch your story, Mister!
Frank: Joe, he just said that to make me fell bad, didn't he?  There
really
       IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there?  Joe?
Joe: Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you three years ago on a "1492", for
not
     believing in Columbus?
Grudge: Yeah!  I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either!
Joe: How about Toledo?
Grudge: I...I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.
Joe: OK, Mister, I get the picture now.  You don't believe in nothin',
do ya?
Grudge: Nuttin'.  And do you wanna know somethin' else?
Joe: What's that?
Grudge: I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna walk right out of this room.
'Cause
        you guys ain't got nothin' on me.  They ain't no law against not
        believing in Santy Claus!
Joe: There is in my book!  Let me tell you something, Mister, I'm gonna
PROVE
     there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night!
Grudge: Heh-heh!  Pretty funny!  The police department's got nuttin'
else to
        do!
Joe: Let me straighten you out, buddy;  this one's on Frank and me!
Right,
     Frank?  Right, Frank?!?
Frank: There really IS an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?  Y'know,
"hippity-
       hopping down the bunny trail"?!?

DUMMMM-DA-DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) I took Grudge over to the helicopter, got in, flew
around
     the city for hours...

DA-DUMM

     I showed him department stores...(in story) What's hurrying in and
out
     of those department stores, Grudge?
Grudge: Happy people!  But _I_ ain't impressed!

DA-DUMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) I showed him stockings...(in story) How are those
stockings
     hung, Grudge?
Grudge: By the chimney, with care, but _I_ didn't hang none up!!!

DA-DA-DUMMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) I showed him children, nestled, all snug in their
beds...
     (in story) What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?!?
Grudge: (sarcastically) Visions of sugar plums!  But you ain't sellin'
me!
        THERE AIN'T NO SANTY CLAUS!!!

DA-DA-DUM-DA-DUMMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) He still didn't believe!  There was only one thing left
to
     do.  My job:  get to the North Pole.

DADA-DUMMMMM

     11:45pm.  We arrived at the North Pole.  I set the plane down and
we
     walked over to Santa's Workshop and rang the bell...

(Doorbell: DIIIIING-DA-DING-DING.  Door opens)
Joe: (in story) Pardon me, sir.  Can I ask you a few questions?
Brownie: Why, shore.  Just tickle me 't de-yath.
Joe: What do you do for a living?
Brownie: I'm a brownie.
Joe: What are you doing at the North Pole with a _southern_ accent?
Brownie: Well, the bo-us sorta ran shore-et on hey-lp this ye-ah, so had
't
         ree-cruit a few of us brownies from the Sow-uth Po-el.
Joe: Um hum.  That figures.
Grudge: Heh-heh!  Whatta waste of time!
Joe: Could we talk to your boss, please?
Brownie: Oh, he's ow-et.  You WOULD come on the one night he's ow-et in
the
         whole ye-ah!
Joe: Um hum.  What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?
Brownie: My bo-us has eight tiny reinde-ya.  My job: feed 'em.
Joe: Hmm, yes, sir, what do you feed them?
Brownie: Well, most times, I fix up a little plate o' relish, olive,
pickles
         and carrot sticks.  You knew them li'l 'ol carrot sticks?
Joe: Um hum.
Brownie: And scallions. (Joe chimes in with the next sentence) Most
folks
         call 'em "green onions", but they're really scallions. (To Joe)
         How'd you know?!?
Joe: Just a stab in the dark.

DUM-DA-DUMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) The little man showed us through the workshop...
Brownie: My bo-us'll be back for his second load purty soon.  Say, would
         y'all like 't hear an inerestin' story?
Joe: (in story) Yes, sir.
Brownie: Well, you see that HUGE pile of presents ov-a the-ya?
Joe: Um hum.
Grudge: Man!  LOOK at all that stuff!
Brownie: Would you believe it;  they're all for the same ma-yan.  Been
pilin'
         up he-ya ye-ah afta ye-ah.
Joe: Why didn't the guy after get 'em?
Grudge: Yeah, why?
Brownie: 'Cause he didn't believe in my bo-us.  You know the ru-els.
Joe: Um hum.  We know.
Grudge: I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this...this guy can
        still...
Brownie: Get the presents?  Oh, shore.  He gets 'em all, the MINUTE he
         believes!  But I don't suppose he ev-a wi-ell.
Joe: Too bad about that guy.  What's his name?
Grudge: Don't say it.  I don't wanna hear it!
Joe: Come on, Mr. Brownie, what's his name?
Brownie: His name?  "Grudge".

DUM-DA-DA-DA-DA-DUMMMMM

Joe: (narrating) The brownie saw us to the door and wished us a Merry
     Christmas.  We were headed back to the plane.       Then it
happened...
Grudge: Hey!
Joe: (in story) Yeah, Grudge?
Grudge: You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?
Joe: Who's that?
Grudge: S-s-s-santy Claus?
Joe: Yes, sir?
Grudge: Do you think I'm too old to change my mind?
Joe: You're NEVER too old, Mr. Grudge.
Grudge: Well, then, I...I...I BELIEVE IN SANTY CLAUS!  AND Columbus!
Joe: How about Cleveland, Cincinnati and the Easter Bunny?
Grudge: Yeah!  Dem, too!
Joe: And Toledo?
Grudge: I...I _still_ ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!
(sleigh bells above)
Joe: Look, Grudge, up in the sky.  He's coming back for his second load.
Grudge: IT'S SANTY CLAUS!  IT'S SANTY CLAUS!!!!!
Joe: There's the only guy I know who can make everybody happy in one
night!
Grudge: Yeah!  He must have the biggest heart in the whole world!
Joe: That's about the size of it!

...DUM-DA-DA-DUMMMMMMMM!

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- - -

"Christmas Dragnet".  If you enjoyed listening half as much as I enjoyed
playing it,...well, I had twice the enjoyment, I guess.  We'll be back
with
the many faces of Santa Claus right after this...



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