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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 3

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 3 (Bob Rivers)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

Chris Wolvie back at ya, continuing these "24 Sours".  Who is the group
that
brought the most to demented Christmas music lately?  Why, Bob Rivers,
of
course.  Whether it's his Comedy Corps or Twisted Radio, the two albums
released - "Twisted Christmas" and "I Am Santa Claus" - are big sellers
every
Christmas and have practically become standards in the world of funny
holiday
music.  So, he are a number of songs made by Bob Rivers, starting with
the one
song we left out of the "Twelve Days" group: "The Twelve PAINS of
Christmas"...

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- - -

C: (Chorus)
   The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
   Is finding a Christmas tree

   The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
2: (Angry husband)
   Rigging up the lights
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
3: (Man getting over being drunk)
   Hangovers
2: Rigging up the lights
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
4: (Exhausted man)
   Sending Christmas cards
3: Hangovers
2: Rigging up the lights
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
   Five months of bills!
4: Sending Christmas cards
3: Hangovers
2: Rigging up the lights
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
6: (Nervous wife)
   Facing my in-laws
C: Five months of bills!
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
3: Hangovers
2: Rigging up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
7: (Number 6's husband)
   The Salvation Army
6: Facing my in-laws
C: Five months of bills!
4: Sending Christmas cards
3: Oh, geez!
2: I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
8: (Whining brat...er, kid)
   I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
7: Charities,
   And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
C: Five months of bills!
4: Oh, making out these cards
3: Honey, get me a beer, huh?
2: What, we have no extension cords?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
9: (A tired father, probably of number 8)
   Finding parking spaces
8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws
C: Five months of bills!
4: Writing out those Christmas cards
3: Hangovers!
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
0: (A mother)
   "Batteries Not Included"
9: No parking spaces.
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!
6: Oh, facing my in-laws!
C: Five months of bills!
4: Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
3: Oh, geez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
A: (A male couch potato)
   Stale TV specials
0: "Batteries Not Included"
9: No parking spaces
8: DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
7: Charities!
6: She's a witch; I hate her!
C: Five months of bills!
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
2: Get a flashlight;  I blew a fuse!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

   The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
B: (Two men)
   Singing Christmas carols
A: Stale TV specials
0: "Batteries Not Included"
9: No parking?!?
8: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
C: Five months of bills!
4: I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!  YOU'RE SO SMART, _YOU_ RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
C: And finding a Christmas tree.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all night long.
Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night
But he never came and it don't seem right.
And there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't make a sound,
But I wish you Merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all week long.
Well, the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
And we don't know what we're going to do.
Cause there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't move around,
And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all month long.
Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace
Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace.
That there's something in the chimney
And it doesn't talk at all,
And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney
And I don't know what it is,
But it's been there all year long.
I'll been waiting up for Santa like I did last year
But my brother says, "He's already here."
And he's stuck up in the chimney
And he doesn't say a word
And he'll be there every Christmas.
And we'll have him every Christmas.

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- - -

"The Chimney Song" by the Bob Rivers' Comedy Corps, a classic Christmas
song
that can be heard on many a radio station's morning programs nationwide,
regardless of the format.  Hell, I'm sure I heard a classical station
play it
when they thought no one was listening.  Now, thanks to Bozo100 on
deja.com
for getting me the idea for this Twisted Radio tune, "Walking 'Round In
Women's Underwear"...

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- - -

(Tune: "Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things the wife is missin'
Didn't ask for her permission
        I'm wearing her clothes
        Her silk pantyhose
Walking round in women's underwear

In the store there's a teddy
With little straps like spaghetti
        It holds me so tight
        Like handcuffs at night
Walking 'round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say "Whoa, man!
Let's wait until the wife is out of town"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress like Madonna
        Put on some eye shade
        And join the parade
Walking 'round in women's underwear

Lacy things...missin'
Didn't ask...permission
        Wearing her clothes...
        Silk pantyhose...
Walking 'round in women's underwear
Walking 'round in women's underwear
Walking 'round in women's underwear

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - -
(Tune: "Ironman" by Black Sabbath)

I AM SANTA CLAUS!
HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!

Flying through the snow
Can you hear him "Ho-ho-ho"?
He's so full of cheer
Only has to work one day a year

Children in their beds
Visions of sugar plums fill their heads
So many kids out there
Santa must be a billionaire

Red suits, boots of black
Big sack of toys hanging off his back
How much does he weigh?
How do the reindeer pull his sleigh?

        Nobody sees him
        As he travels the world
        Leaving his presents
        For the good boys and girls

HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!

Sees ev'ry move you make
Better be good for goodness sake
Leave him cookies and beer
He'll be back to your house first next year

I AM SANTA CLAUS!
HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!

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- - -

Uh, thank you.  Thank you very much!  This here is "The King"!  I know I
haven't been around much for a while, but I just want ya all to know
that,
up here in Rock'n'Roll Heaven, I'll be thinking of ya this Christmas.
And
I'd like to give ya all a special Christmas message.  A message of
peace...
like, uh, how about a little piece of that pie going by?  Uh, thank you.

Thank you very much! (slurp, slurp) Like I was sayin', Christmas is a
time
of hope, a time of joy, and a time for lovin'...and I sure would love a
big
slice of that pizza ya got there.  Uh, thank you.  Thank you very much!
(chomp, slurp) Now, where was I?  Oh, yeah, Christmas.  And Christmas,
to me,
means family, and family means friends, and friends means gettin'
together,
and gettin' together means...EATIN'!  Uh, pass me that drumstick, would
ya
please?  Uh, thank you.  Thank you very much! (chomp, chomp) Now, I just
wanna say to ya right now,...y'know, I may be a big star...maybe too
big...
But ain't nobody so big he can't reach out a helping hand...a
helping...uh,
hand...uh, would ya hand me a helping of those mashed taters over there,
would ya please?  Uh, thank you.  Thank you very much! (slurp, slurp)
Now,
like I was sayin', ain't nobody so big he can't stoop to help a friend
in
need over the holiday season...and, speakin' of seasonin', wanna pass me
that
salt sugar, when ya get the chance?  Uh, thank you.  Yeah, just unscrew
the
cover...that's right.  Uh, thank you.  Thank you very much.  So this
Christmas, why don't y'all take a tip from 'ol Elvis...no, no, leave
those
steak tips right where they are, know whatamean?  Uh, I appreciate it.
Thank you.  I want you to remember, we're all part of God's great big
family.
And, y'know, God made man into his own image.  And, lookin' in the
mirror,
I'd have 't say God must be a BIG, BIG son-of-a-gun, know whatamean?  I
think
ya do.  But I especially want y'all to remember this one last thing:
when
you're all at home this Christmas, stringing that popcorn up on the
tree,
save a BIG, BIG bowl for "The King"!...extra butter, know whatamean?  I
think
ya do!  Uh, thank you!  Thank you very much! (slurp, slurp, chomp)

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- - -

Elvis and Black Sabbath...does it get any better than that?!?  "I Am
Santa
Claus", the title track from Twisted Radio's album, and the final track
of
"Twisted Christmas" is "A Message From the King" by the Comedy Corps.
That
wraps up the tribute to Bob Rivers and...(sound of door crashing
open)...ut-
oh...guess who just showed up?  Yup, station producer Jan Hostowitz and
associate producer Mike Stalker, fresh from day ten of our annual
Christmas
party.  Sadly it ends tonight...just in time for the New Year's party to
commence.  Looks like they wanna do their annual song together.  I know
better
than to get in their way, so...the mike's yours, fellahs...

(Two drunken voices sing, LOUDLY:)

I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
EVERYBODY HANGS THEIR ORNAMENTS ON ME!

I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
I'M A CHRISTMAS TREE!
PEOPLE THROW ME OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE!

OH, SANTA CLAUS!
OH, SANTA CLAUS!
HE BREAKS LOTS OF LAWS!

HE TRESPASSES!
HE BREAKS-AND-ENTERS!
HE TRAVELS ALL AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT A VALID PASSPORT!

I'M A CHANNUKAH BUSH!
I'M A CHANNUKAH BUSH!
I'M LIKE A JEWISH CHRISTMAS TREE!
WHOH!

(sound of two limp bodies crashing to the floor)

Whew!  Jan Hostowitz and Mike Stalker, ladies and gentlemen.  A fine job
this
year as always.  HEY, SAL, DRAG THEM OUTTA HERE, OK?  THANKS!  While Sal
Divato here cleans up, we'll take a break and be back to bust up a
tradition...



Sent via Deja.com
http://www.deja.com/

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