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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 2

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 2 (12 Strange Days)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

This is Chris Wolvie, continuing "The 24 Sours of Christmas".  Well,
this next
segment have songs parodying the same song: "The Twelve Days of
Christmas".
Y'know...the song with patridges in pear trees, swans-a-swimming,
maids-a-
milking, golden rings, etc.  Lame-o by today's standards, correct?
Well,
fortunately, a lot of people felt an update was in need.  We start off
wit
the "Weird" Al of the 60s, Alan Sherman, with the "Twelve Gifts Of
Christmas"...

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(A: Alan   C: Chorus)

A: On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   A Japanese transistor radio.

C: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: Green polka-dot pajamas
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (It's a Nakashuma)

C: On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
C: Green polka-dot pajamas,
   And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (It's the Mark IV model;  that's the one that was discontinued)

C: On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A simulated alligator wallet
C: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man,
   Green polka-dot pajamas,
   And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (And it come in a leatherette case with holes in it so you can listen
   right through the case)

C: On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee...
C: A simulated alligator wallet
   A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
   Green polka-dot pajamas
   And a Japanese transistor radio.
A: (And it comes with a wire with one end that you can stick in your
ear, and
   the other end that you can't stick anywhere because it's bent)

C: On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A hammered aluminum nut cracker
   And all that other stuff...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it,
   And all that other stuff...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: An indoor plastic birdbath,
C: All that other stuff...
A: And a Japanese transistor radio.

C: On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: A chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

   On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A: An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on
television,
        but not when you get it home...
C: And a Japanese transistor radio.

A: On the twelfth day of Christmas, although it may seem strange...
   On the twelfth day of Christmas, I'm going to exchange...

   An automatic vegetable slicer that works when you see it on
television,
        but not when you get it home...
C: Chromium combination manicure scissors and cigarette lighter
A: A pair of teakwood shower clogs
C: Indoor plastic birdbath
A: A pink satin pillow that says, "San Diego" with fringe all around it
C: Hammered aluminum nut cracker
A: A statue of a lady with a clock where her stomach ought to beeeee...
C: A simulated alligator wallet
A: A calendar book with the name of my insurance man
C: Green polka-dot pajamas
A & C: AND A JAPANESE TRANSISTOR RA-DI-OOOOOO!
A: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!!

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- - -

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A knife with a very sharp blade.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Six Molotov cocktails
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Seven electric cattle prods
Six Molotov cocktails
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Eight bayonets
Seven electric cattle prods
Six Molotov cocktails
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Nine cans of mace
Eight bayonets
Seven electric cattle prods
Six Molotov cocktails
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Ten nuclear submarines
Nine cans of mace
Eight bayonets
Seven electric cattle prods
Six Molotov cocktails
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite
Four Tommy guns
Three M-16s
Two hand grenades
And a knife with a very sharp blade.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
Eleven tons of nerve of nerve gas,
Ten nuclear submarines                                          T-10
Nine cans of mace                                               T-09
Eight bayonets                                                  T-08
Seven electric cattle prods                                     T-07
Six Molotov cocktails                                           T-06
Five sticks of dy-no-miiiiiite                                  T-05
Four Tommy guns                                                 T-04
Three M-16s                                                     T-03
Two hand grenades                                               T-02
And a knife with a very sharp blade.                            T-01

ON THE TWELFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...     T-00

TWELVE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUSTS...

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"Terrorist's Christmas" by James & Cling...the perfect shopping list for
the
well-to-do global maniac like Milosevic, Hussein and Bush.  But what if
you
don't have the several billion dollars to get this stuff from the
Pentagon?
Well, you can always go to the Great White North.  Certainly Rick
Moranis and
Dave Thomas - aka Bob & Doug McKenzie - might have some canuck ideas for
the
"Twelve Days of Christmas", eh?  Let's listen in...

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- - -
(B: Bob   D: Doug   C: Chorus)

B: OK, good day.  This is our Christmas part of the album.  You can play
this
   at your Christmas parties, or to yourself on Christmas Eve, if
there's
   nothin' else to do.
D: Good day, eh?  In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part.
B: Oh, I guarantee ya you'd be on.  OK, so good day.  This is the
Christmas
   part, and we're gonna tell ya what to get..um...your true love for
   Christmas.
D: Look out the window!
B: Where? (chuckle) What are ya doin'?!?
D: Snow, hosehead!
B: Well, oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing 'cause it's
   Christmastime.  Hey, hoser!
D: What?
B: Here's a quiz. (chuckle) Quiz for Doug...
D: OK, I have my "thinking toque" on.
B: Yeah, right.  What are the "Twelve Days of Christmas"? 'Cause, figure
it
   out, right?  Christmas is when?
D: Um, the twenty-fifth...
B: Right.  And, what's the twenty-fourth...Christmas Eve, right?  So..
D: That's two.
B: That's two.  And, then what's after that? (pause) Boxing Day.
D: Wrestling Day.
B: Wrestl..get out!
D: Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.
B: That's three.  Then, what's after that?  Nothin'!
D: New Year's!
B: Four and what's...
D: New Year's Eve?
B: That's five.  Where do ya get twelve?
D: Uh, there's two Saturdays and Sundays in there;  that's four.  So,
that's
   nine.  And three other days which, I believe, are the "mystery" days.
(Music starts)
B: OK, this our Christmas song, just in case you don't know what to get
   somebody for Christmas.
D: There's lots of ideas in here, so listen and don't get stuck! (organ
   starts) By the way, that's ME on the organ.
B: Oh, geez.
D: You start...
B: OK...

   On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   A beer.

D: On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.

   On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: There should be more there, eh?
B: Where?  Oh, go!

D: Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Four pounds of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle-necks
B: And a beer.
D: ...in a tree.  See, you need more.

B: Oh..fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Five golden toques,
D: Four pound of back-bacon
B: Three French toast
D: Two turtle necks
B: And a beer...where?
D: (with Bob) In a tree.

B: OK, on the sixth...oo, go!
D: ..Christmas, my true love gave to me,
C: Six...
D: Six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden toques
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree. OK.

   On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
   Seven pack of smokes,
C: Nice gift!
D: Nice gift.  Oh...six packs of two-four
B & C: Five golden toques.
C: Four...
D: Four pounds of back-bacon
C: Three...
B: Three French toast
C: Two...
D: Two turtle-necks
C: And a beeeeeeeeer...
B: And a beer (with Doug) in a tree.  Keep forgetting.
D: Whew!  This should just be the "Two Days of Christmas";  it's too
hard for
   us!  Go, hoser.

B & D: On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
D: Eight comic books
(Chorus repeats right behind them, though one behind)
B & D: Seven packs of smokes
       Six pack of two-four
B: Five...
C: (catches up) Five golden toques
   Four pounds of back-bacon
   Three French toast
   Two turtle-necks
ALL: And a beer...
B & D: On my tree.
B: Yeah, that beer is empty.  OK, day, um...
C: TWELVE!
B: Twelve!
D: Good day, and welcome to day twelve..
(Chorus starts up and Bob and Doug join in)
ALL: Five golden toques
     Four pounds of back-bacon,
     Three French toast
     Two turtle-necks
     And a beer in a treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
D: Where'd you learn to do that?
B: Um, albums.
D: So, like, that's our song.  Merry Christmas...
B: Merry Christmas!
D: And good day!
B: Good day!  Ha-happy New Year, too.
D: Shhh!
B: OK, you know what you left out?
D: What?
B: Donuts!
D: Oh, no!
B: I told you to get me donuts.  Either on the ninth day, or the tenth
day
   or the eleventh day, but I want donuts!
D: OK, the song's over!  Merry Christmas, everybody!
B: ...or, on the twelfth day, you could've got me a DOZEN donuts...
D: So,..go out to the stores and get some presents!
B: You could've gone down to, like, the good donut shops where you buy a
   dozen, you get another one free, and then it'd be thirteen for the
   "Thirteen Days of Christmas"!
D: Next Christmas, you can get me a chain-saw!
B: Take off!
(As music fades:)
D: Boy, that song was a beauty.  It...it moved me.
B: Yeah, I think it ranks up there with "Stairway to Heaven".
D: What?

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- - -
(J: Jeff   F: Friend (also voiced by Jeff)   C: Chorus)

F: WHOH!  Somebody done been to the Wal-Mart!
J: No, man.  This is just the stuff I got for Christmas.
F: You cleaned up!  Whatcha get?
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four big mud tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: You s'pose you got gypped?  There's TWELVE days to Christmas!
J: I know that.  I got it covered.  Look over in the corner.
F: That's yours, too?!?
J: Yeah,...
C: (In background while last two lines were spoken) On the twelve days
of
   Christmas, my true love sent to me:
J: Twelve-pack of Bud
   Eleven rasslin' tickets
   "Ten" (tin) of "Copenhagen"
   Nine years probation
   Eight table dancers
   Seven packs of "Red Man"
   Six cans of Spam...(whew)
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four big mud tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: Man, them ain't normal Christmas presents.
J: Naw, they're "redneck" gifts.
F: "Redneck" gifts?
J: Yeah, you know.  Like if you buy your wife earrings that double as
   fishing lures.
   Or if you can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells".
   Perhaps if you think the "Nutcracker" is something you did off the
high
   dive.
   Or if you've ever misspelled anything in Christmas lights.
   Or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus.
F: What's wrong with that?
J: I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, but it's hard to
beat...
   Twelve-pack of Bud
   Eleven rasslin' tickets
   "Ten" of "Copenhagen"
   Nine years probation
   Eight table dancers
   Seven packs of "Red Man"
   Six cans of Spam...(whew)
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four big mud tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT
F: You know, you can't really consider it a Christmas 'less you go down
to
   the penitentiary and visit yer mama.
J: You're not listening to me...get the car key out of your ear.  That's
   where the "nine years probation" comes in.  I'm gonna do it for ya
   again;  now listen:

   Twelve-pack of Bud
   Eleven rasslin' tickets
   "Ten" of "Copenhagen"
   Nine years probation
   Eight table dancers
   Seven packs of "Red Man"
   Six cans of Spam...
C: Five flannel shirts...
J: Four big mud tires
   Three shotgun shells
   Two huntin' dogs
   And some parts to a Mustang GT

   Are you cryin'?
F: (sniff) No, it's just my allergies.
J: Happy Holidays, everybody.

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- - -

Jeff Foxworthy rounds out our "Twelve Days" set with "Redneck Twelve
Days of
Christmas".  Dunno about you but, if the "rasslin' tickets" are to
WrestleMania, I'll take 'em off your hands, Jeff.  Y'know, no one group
has
brought more to demented Christmas music then the guys whom the next
segment
is all about.  And we'll have that...NEXT!



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