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You are at the section Demented Christmas Specials

24 Sours Part 1

The 24 Sours of Christmas


"THE 24 SOURS OF CHRISTMAS"
Part 1 (Holiday Sex and Violence)

----------------------------------K R U
D------------------------------------
----------------Remember, if it's not K-RUD, it's
CRAP!----------------------

Good evening, ladies and germs, boys and jerks, nimrods of all ages.
This is
Chris Wolvie coming at ya plausably live from our pirate broadcast area
west
of the Mississippi (hence the "K" being first instead of "W").  Well,
it's
that festive time of year again: the time to jam yourself into crowded
malls
with zero parking spaces and buy stuff that'll put your credit card to
the
breaking point only to have them returned...the time for little kids to
be
placed on the lap of a makeshift fat guy in a red fur suit and have the
kid
wet the poor guys' leg while crying his eyes out...the time to sit in
front of
the tube and watch the endless repetition of stale "specials" (and
that's just
on the Fox Family Channel)...oh, yeah, and the time to celebrate the
birth of
a savior and/or reflect on what you have in your life, depending on your
religion.  But, in any case, this is our annual tribute to the funny
side of
the holidays: "The 24 Sours of Christmas".  Actually, there are MUCH
more than
24 songs we're playing here, but, hey, 24 SOUNDS good, OK?  This year,
we
present these songs in various categoies.  This first segment presents a
little bit of sex and a LOT of violence.  We start with the violence as
the
Twang tell us to prepare for China nuking us and to "Buy War Toys For
Christmas"...

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- - -

Little Johnny Johnson wants an M-16
Sister Suzie wants an Uzi and a sub-machine
Kids are making wishes and war-time strategies
Singing "Happy Happy Birthday to the Prince of Peace"

        Buy war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday
        Santa's traded in his red cap for a Green Beret
        Teach those happy little children to be hell-cats when they play
        And have a very merry military day

Jamie wants the latest deadly laser gun
Little Tommy asked his mommy for his own B-1
Kids are droppin' napalm on their Christmas trees
Singing "Happy Happy Birthday to the Prince of Peace"

        Buy war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday
        Santa knows the missile-tows the line in every way
        Teach those happy little children to be hell-cats when they play
        And have a very merry military day

(BRIDGE: music + toy laser gun sounds)

We all have our fingers crossed
For another Cold War frost
Singing, "Oh, by golly,
Let's be jolly
Deck---the holocaust (pronounced like "holly-caust")!"

Darlin' Danny Simpson armed his own brigade
Staged a coup and over threw the Christmas day parade
Kids are roastin' chestnuts and burning effigies
Singing "Happy Happy Birthday to the Prince of Peace"

        Buy war toys for Christmas; have a happy holiday
        Santa's fired his reindeer; now, he flies the "Enola Gay"
        Teach those happy little children to be hell-cats when they play
        And have a very merry military day

        And have a very merry military day

        Singing "Happy Happy Birthday to the
Prince....of....Peeeee-eace"

(Toy-ish sound effect of bomb dropping)

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- - -
I've got some presents for Santa
And he's got a big one for me
    Outside, it snows
    I take off all my clothes
And wait for Santa underneath my tree

He squeezes into my hot chimney
Where it's oh so warm and tight
    On the roof, I hear his reindeer
    I'm so very glad he came here
It's only once a year but, what a night!

        Santa Claus takes a pause from his long night of delivering
        His big "North Pole" can sure get cold, his jolly butt's all
shivering

I offer Santa my...cookies
He loves to put them into his mouth
    His long beard tickles
    He gives me the giggles
He finishes his snack and then flies south

        Santa Claus takes a pause from his long night of delivering
        His big "North Pole" can sure get cold, his jolly butt's all
shivering
        (Ooo...Santa...I love my present...what else is in that big bag
of
         yours?)

Santa and I share a "ciggie"
Then I help him back into his red suit
    I know he has to go
    He just says, "Ho ho ho"
I can't help it; he's so cute

        Santa Claus takes a pause from his long night of delivering
        His big "North Pole" can sure get cold, his jolly butt's all
shivering

I've got some presents for Santa
And he's got a big one for me
    Outside, it snows
    I take off all my clothes
And wait for Santa...I take off all my clothes
I'm waiting for Santa underneath my tree

(Merry Christmas)

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- - -

Oh, behave...'tis the season to be shagging, baby.  Oh, uh, *ahem* that
was
Sarah Taylor & Bill Mumy, otherwise known as "Barnes & Nibble" (since
Mumy is
actually Art Barnes of "Barnes & Barnes" of "Fish Heads" fame), with "I
Got
Some Presents For Santa".  Hmm...if she's sleeping with a fat guy, he
MUST
have a sizable "North Pole".  Well, anyhow, back to the violence.
Here's a
paor from the master parodist "Weird" Al Yankovic.  The first is from
the
album "Polka Party".  Here's "Christmas at Ground Zero"...

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- - -

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's music in the air
The sleigh bells are ringing
And the carolers are singing
While the air raid sirens blare

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
The button has been pressed
The radio
Just let us know
That this is not a test

        Everywhere the atom bombs are droppin'
        It's the end of all humanity
        No more time for last minute shoppin'
        It's time to face your final destiny

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
There's panic in the crowd
We can dodge debris
While we trim the tree
Underneath a mushroom cloud

(BRIDGE: music with air raid siren in the background)

        You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop
        Or Jack Frost on your windowsill
        But if someone's climbing down your chimney
        You better load your gun and shoot to kill!

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
And, if the radiation level's OK,
I'll go out with you
To see all the new
Mutations on New Year's Day

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Just seconds left to go
I'll "duck-and-cover"
With my Yule-tide lover
Underneath the mistletoe

It's Christmas at Ground Zero
Now the missiles are on their way
What a crazy fluke;
We're gonna get nuked
On this jolly holiday

What a crazy fluke;
We're gonna get nuked
On this jol-ly hol-i-dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

(FADE OUT with air raid siren blaring)
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- - -

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgrunted Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

        The night Santa went crazy
        The night St. Nick went insane
        Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
        Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

        The night Santa went crazy
        The night Kris Kringle went nuts
        Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
        Without steppin' in reindeer guts

    There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
    There's a van from the Eyewitness News
    and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
    And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
    And everyone's dyin' to know,
    Oh Santa, why?
    My my my my my my
    You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the S.W.A.T. Team blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, now, that's his brains on the floor
I guess they won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore
But, now, there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line and file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

        They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
        The night St. Nicholas flipped
        Broke his back for some milk and cookies
        Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

        Wo, the night Santa went crazy
        The night St. Nick went insane
        Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
        Something finally must have snapped in his brain
        Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
        Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain.

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- - -

That was the "extra gory" version of "The Night Santa Went Crazy".  You
can
only find THAT version on the "Amish Paradise" CD single.  The "regular
strength" version (the one where he's only arrested) is on the "Bad Hair
Day"
album.  But, hey, why WOULDN'T Santa be cheesed?!?  Lugging all those
toys
around, shoving himself down those little chimneys, hauling his fat ass
around
all night with a break...and for what?!?  Stale cookies, warm milk or
egg nog
and a poorly-written thank-you note?  I'm surprised he DOESN'T snap.  Of
course, other people think he'll take it out on those he delivers to
rather
than those who work for him.  The Arrogant Worms think so, anyway...

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- - -

(punk rock tempo)

Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'Cause you've always been a rotten little brat

Reindeer coming and they're gonna bite your wreath
They're gonna chew your welcome mat
Swallow your kitty cat
Reindeer coming and they're gonna eat your begonias
'Cause Santa hasn't fed them in a month

Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'Cause he's sick of shoveling snow and reindeer poo

Elves are coming and they're gonna steal your turkey
Wreck your TV
Burn down your Christmas tree
Elves are coming and they're gonna trash your home
'Cause they ain't got nothing else to do

        (To "Hark! The Hearld Angels Sing")
        Santa's loaded with attitude
        He's loud and drunk and smelly and rude
        His workshop's been closed by an auditor
        And Mrs. Claus ran off with her chiropractor

Oh, Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
He's gonna kick your ass
Santa's coming and he's gonna kick your ass
'Cause he's had a really crappy year

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- - -

Haji was a punk Just like any other boy
And he never had no trouble 'til he started up his Oi band
Safe in the garage or singing in the tub
Till Haji went too far and he plugged in at the pub
'Twas a cold Christmas Eve when Trevor and the skins
Popped in for a pint and to nick a back of crisps
Trevor liked the music but not the unity
He unwound Haji's turban and he knocked him to his knees

        If God came down on Christmas Day
        I know exactly what He'd say
        He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
        But Oi to the world and everybody wins!"

Haji was a bloody mess he ran out thru the crowd
He said "We'll meet again, we are bloody, not unbowed"
Trevor called his bluff and told him where to meet
Christmas day on the roof down at 20 Oxford street

        If God came down on Christmas Day
        I know exactly what He'd say
        He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
        But Oi to the world and everybody wins!"

On the roof with the nunchucks;  Trevor broke a lot of bones
But Haji had a sword like that guy in Indiana Jones
Police sirens wailing, a bloody dying man
Haji was alone and abandoned by his band
Trevor was there fading and still so full of hate
When the skins left him there and went down the fire escape (Oi! Oi!)
But then Haji saw the north star shining more then ever
So he made a tourniquet from his turban saving Trevor
Then repelled down the roof with the rest of the turban
And went back to the pub where they bought each other bourbon

        If God came down on Christmas Day
        I know exactly what He'd say
        He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
        But Oi to the world and everybody wins!"
        If God came down on Christmas Day
        I know exactly what He'd say
        He'd say "Oi to the punks and Oi to the skins
        But Oi to the world and everybody wins!"

        Oi! Oi!

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- - -

If you absolutely MUST get ANY of the "A Very Special Christmas" CDs,
get the
third one with the gold cover.  This song ALONE is worth the price.  No
Doubt
with "Oi! To The World".  Before that, "Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass" by
the
Arrogant Worms from THEIR CD titled, "Christmas Turkey".  There are a
few
other cool songs on that CD, like, "Oh God, I'm Santa Claus!" and
"Vincent The
Christmas Virus".  When we come back, we have a bunch of songs about the
main
CAUSE of the violence...



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